Back in the fall of 1996 - my sophomore year in college - I had some anger issues. Actually, they never went away. How I've dealt with them over the years has changed from time to time: Ignore them, take them out on religious people, drink them away and occasionally (but quite rarely) attack them in a constructive nature. Back in the glory days of Pine Hall, in my true to form passive-aggressive nature, I developed what I called "The Timberland List": A weekly rundown of the 10 or so people, places or things that were driving me nuts. The main concept was that an appearance on this list entitled you to one swift kick to the head with my Timberland Boots.
Normally the honorees were affiliated with the school. The Director of Residence Life. Frat Boys. The creepy guy with the Perm in charge of planning the meals at the cafeteria. And usually Oprah Winfrey made her way on there.
After one or two Lists, the trend caught on. My friends would submit their own lists, and we'd calculate the Official Timberland List the same way the Associated Press would calculate college basketball rankings: A first place vote was 10 points, a 10th place vote was 1. Since we shared the same interests (cheap beer, a hatred of the Chicago Bulls and Dallas Cowboys, disdain for Collegiate Greeks buying their friends), the Official List usually worked out quite well. The biggest insult within our circle those days was being "Listed". To this day, when someone causes any of us grief, it's not uncommon to hear them referred to as Being Listed.
Having lay dormant in an official capacity for so long, i think it's time to finally resurrect The Timberland List. Allow me to "kick" it off...
#10. Congresswoman Michelle Bachman. Batshit Crazy lunatic is mulling a run for President in 2012. I actually think it's a good thing. What this field is missing is a bible thumping, gun loving middle aged woman with no concept of reality or 21st Century America. Oh Wait. Nevermind.
#9. Brett Favre. I used to love the guy. He was a thrill to watch, and an even bigger thrill to listen to John Madden's unyielding love and devotion to the man. Maybe it's because he missed Madden, but his act over the last three seasons was among the most irritating experiences a sports fan, even the most casual of ones, has had to endure. It made me yearn for the days of congressional steroid investigations, canceled NHL seasons and even OJ. The bipolar retirements. The sexting. The penis. Too much Brett. Don't go away mad. Just go away.
#8. Dick Clark. By comparison, Brett would have to un-retire every year until 2055 to match this guy. Give up the ghost Dick. Do you know what kind of a buzzkill it is to be hanging out with 20 of your closest friends and relatives, about 15 beers deep, all happy and jolly, and then all of a sudden The Ghost of New Years Past makes his annual awkward appearance on a 54 inch HD LCD television? This is how we're supposed to start our new year?
#7. Congressman Steve King. The Iowa Republican just introduced a bill intended to strip Americans of their most fundamental right: CITIZENSHIP.The 14th Amendment states "All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside". You don't need to be a legal scholar to interpret that. These friggin people run on "restoring the constitution" yet have an open disdain for every word in the document outside of the 2nd Amendment.
#6. Tim Tebow. I don't like this preachy guy one bit. And his new biggest fan is John Elway. Never really cared for him either.
#5. Oprah Winfrey. The Babe Ruth of the Timberland list just launched her own television network. Great! As if being told by the television that you're a crappy husband for one hour a day wasn't enough, you can multiply that by 24.
#4. Pennsylvania State Police. Recently it was brought to my attention that they wrote about 750 citations for verbal obscenities during traffic stops in 2010. So much for Freedom of Speech. It's bad enough that you pull someone over for going 70 in a 65, write them up to the tune of $300 or so, plus a likely spike in insurance premiums, but when they say "Shit" you tack on another hundred dollars? If you don't mind me saying so, that's completely fucking bullshit.
#3. Our Lady of Lourdes Church. There's many different theories about Jesus Christ out there. Some believe he was married. Some think he fathered children. I've even heard allegations that he was gay. But according to the Massapequa, New York church, the Body of Christ is infected with Hepatitis. I can honestly say I've never heard that one before.
#2. Captain Owen Honors. Hear about this guy? Making provocative, homophobic closed-circuit videos to show aboard the USS Enterprise? Freedom of Speech and Expression is fine. Everybody's got the right to be a racist/homophobic asshole if they wish. But not in the official capacity of a representative of the United States Government or Armed Forces. Borderline Treason if you ask me.
#1. Speaker of the House John Boehner. You cry a lot and you're orange. Welcome to the Top Spot.
No comments:
Post a Comment