It doesn't take that much to amaze me it seems, none of these are on par with the wheel, manned spacecraft or the forward pass, but all made my life easier and/or more enjoyable...
#15. ONLINE MINISTRIES. Yup. I'm a minister. But instead of toiling away at a bible school or spooning with a mentor at a seminary, I ran a google search, signed up and bam! I'm ordained. Freedom of Religion's a wonderful thing, the gub'ment has no right to say my spiritual credentials are any less meaningful than Pope Benedict's.
#14. TWITTER. Initially I thought Twitter was a stupid concept, I mean, I don't give a shit that Stephon Marbury ordered a Grand-Slam Breakfast at the Waffle House. But after getting in with it, holy cow, why did it take so long? If you're into sports, I don't know how you live without this. Cut through the BS, get the jist of everything instantly, no more searching through unreliable updates from yahoo news, or waiting for a report to be edited and verified on espn or si.com. Fascinating stuff, and it provided us with "Shit My Dad Says" to top it all off.
#13. WIKIPEDIA. God, I'd hate to be in charge of grading papers in college these days. Wikipedia didn't exist when I was in school and if it did, boy life woulda been easier. Obviously you can't just copy and paste from it, but as a condensed launching point? With sources? Regardless of the academic benefits, the idea of having everything you need to know about anything neatly organized in one place is almost impossible to comprehend. I remember doing elementary school projects using my father's 1963 World Encyclopedia, which I'm pretty sure only had one country on the African Continent: "Africa". (Sarah Palin must still be using these). Not anymore. A list of Friday Night Lights episodes? Done. Glen Danzig's bio? Check. As The Office's Michael Scott said, "It can be edited by anyone in the world so you know you're getting the best information".
#12. AUTOMATIC SANDWICH ORDERING BOARDS. So far I've seen them at Quick Check and WaWa and my only question is: What's taking the rest of the food service world so long to catch up? No more special requests verbalized to someone who doesn't use the same verbs as you. No more answering questions about what you want or dont want, and relying on the stoner making your grub to remember it, cause now it's all there on a screen for them. And I've recently discovered a nifty trick: Quick Check has their Buffalo Chicken Sandwich on sale for $4.99 (footlong). But if you want a chicken parm, just switch "No Cheese" to "Fresh Mozzarella" and "Buffalo Sauce" to "Marinara". And instead of the $7 Chicken Parm, you're paying $5. Little victories baby, they make getting out of bed that much easier.
#11. THE MUSIC GENOME PRODUCT. I don't know much about the specifics and technology behind it, but I do know it's the technological backbone behind "Pandora" and iTunes "Genius" - both of which have made amazing contributions to how we listen to music. The basic point is the songs are mapped out to direct them to similar artists and songs, so instead of using a Neanderthal method like "Shuffle" that will quickly send you from "The Way You Look Tonight" to "Welcome to the Jungle", Genius/Pandora will transition Sinatra to Dean Martin or some other standard. Furthermore, it's the best possible way to expose yourself to new music in genres you're interested in.
#10. THE NEW YANKEE STADIUM. Would rank higher if not for the $10 beer. I don't care about the class-based "Legends Seats". I couldn't afford them at $350 in the old stadium, why should I give a fuck if they're $2500 now, I still can't afford them. The bottom line is, the new Grandstand is 100 times more fan friendly than the old Tier Reserved - where I pretty much sat in every post A-Rod trade game anyway. However, the entire lower bowl is open-aired and friendly to fans of all seating areas, the bleachers now serve alcohol again, there's actually a visible area listing all 26, er, TWENTY FUCKING SEVEN World Series Titles, the food and drink selection is much better (and really not much more expensive than the old digs) and most importantly, it kept the classic look of it's two predecessors. The House that George Built, Steinbrenner's personal pyramid, is an outstanding tribute to the greatest owner in sports history.
#9. MLB REVENUE SHARING. Speaking of baseball. I'm not one to give credit to Bud Selig or Don Fehr, but the 2002 agreement has turned every team into a potential contender. With the greatest diversity of all four sports in terms of placing teams in their respective finals and more different champions than any sport this decade (8 teams, compared to the NHL's 7, NFL's 6 and NBA's 5) the plan has taken economics out of the way as a hurdle to being competitive. With the smallest playoff field of any sport (6 teams) all but 7 teams qualified for the playoffs, and of those 7, mismanagement can be credited in each case. Sorry Baltimore and Toronto, but Tampa proved you can win the AL East and not be named Boston or New York. So those of you in Pittsburgh, stop complaining about NY/BOS spending cause you're starting the year off with house money thanks to revenue sharing. It aint our fault your management sucks.
#8. THE DO NOT CALL LIST. George W. Bush's greatest (and only) accomplishment. When my wife and I first moved in together we got nothing but soliciting phone calls it was miserable. Buy a car and every bank in the country's offering you a credit card. Buy sheets at Target and someone wants to sell you a bed. Pay off a loan and someone wants to offer you a new one. But Bush stepped up and banned this practice. For that, while he's still the worst president ever, it moves him above Stalin in terms of "Historically Disastrous Leaders"
#7. YOUTUBE. Star Wars Kid. Fat People Falling. Virginia Republican Senators making racist comments. Bon Jovi's "Living in Sin" video. Joe Namath's "I Wanna Kiss You" moment. And my personal favorite, this hysterical interpretation of Pearl Jam's "Yellow Ledbetter", You name, Youtube's got it. I remember as the last decade came to a close, ESPN ran a chilling "Images of the Century" package set to Aerosmith's "Dream On". I was emailing everyone who had a @espn.com email address looking to a actually purchase it, it was that incredible. But thanks to this fantastic development, it's now at my fingertips whenever I want it.
#6. FANTASTY SPORTS LIVE SCORING. Gone are the days of waiting for the Monday "USA Today". Fantasy Baseball and Basketball are now eminently possible. And you can be stuck at a funeral and still see the up to the minute live score of your fantasy football game. An industry is born, and life hasn't been the same since.
#5. HDTV. Technically the technology's been around forever, but this is the decade where demand met supply and we're all better off for it. I can't remember what football used to look like in SD. And I never knew how unattractive some people really were.
#4. NETFLIX. Racket: Broken. No more late fees. No more drives to the rental place only to find there's nothing there. Instead, you select your movie at your convenience with full previews and reviews at your disposal and it shows up in your mailbox. If you watch 3 movies per month, it pays for itself and thats assuming you never paid late charges. Basically free and with an extremely impressive list of titles to chose from, Netflix's contribution to The History of Man can not be understated.
#3. FACEBOOK. Remember that strange kid in high school that smelled like boiled turnips, sat to your right in biology and you never said a word to him? Well it's 15 years later, you've still never said a word to him, yet you know that his two year old has an ear infection and he just got an oil change. Wanna "become a fan of doing a chick in a football jersey"? Want to buy imaginary pigs? Want to make a quiz about yourself? Wanna spend the month of December offering your opinion on everything you remember from the previous decade? Are you extremely interested in the life of toddlers? Are you a stalker? Facebook's your place.
#2. THE DVR. Think back 10 years. If you watched TV you were a slave. A slave to commercials. A slave to time slots. A slave to the network's decision to use instant replay. Not anymore. The DVR/TiVo has revolutionized the way we watch television. For next to nothing per month, you get to decide when you want to watch something. You get to skip through commercials. You can rewind live television when you miss something because the phone rang, the dog barked, the girl scouts knocked on your door, you got a sudden case of dysentery or any reason whatsoever. Best of all, you can rock two shows at the same time. No longer must you chose when you're favorite show gets lined up against something else. And when you catch Dudley getting molested at the Bicycle Shop on the TV Land "Diff'rent Strokes" marathon, you can keep it forever. I don't really remember television without the DVR. And I don't want to.
#1. THE IPOD. I'll admit it. I was a flat-earther when I first learned of the iPod. "That sounds like an awful lot of work", or "Why do I need that when I have a CD player in my car?" I couldn't have been more wrong. I spent my entire music-listening life making mixed tapes, and then briefly, mixed CDs. Restricted by what I physically had in my collection, and limited to 45 minutes per side/80 MB per tape. The iPod freed me from that. When I wanted to hear a specific song, I had to dig through everything, find it, stop the current tape/disc, put in a new one, cue it up. That now takes less than 5 seconds. From anywhere in my house. Before I got in the car, I would have to chose what music I wanted for the journey. Not anymore. When I went for a walk, or took a plane, I had to make sure I had enough batteries and decide before packing what I wanted to hear. Those days are over.
If I ever wanted to watch the Greatest Super Bowl in the History of Super Bowls, I had to buy a DVD and be on my couch. Now, I have Bob Papa calling "Manning to Tyree" in my pocket. Every picture I own is with me 24 hours a day. I can play games on the toilet. I don't have to go looking for the Christmas music ever November or the St Patrick's Day music ever January. I'm reminded of the biblical verse where, upon Christ's death following the Crucifixion, one of the Roman Centurions standing guard said to his fellow guard: Clearly This Was The Son Of Man.
Sums up my reaction about 10 minutes after finally giving in and purchasing one.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
The 15 Worst Inventions & Innovations of the Decade
Here are fifteen things we'd be better off as a whole with had they never been created...
#15. HEINEKEN LIGHT. Great, just what douchebags needed: Their own beer to chase Jaegerbombs with. But kudos to Heineken. First, they convince the common beer purchaser that their brand is high quality and enjoyable. Second, they water that shitty product down and market it towards the only people dumb enough to spend premium prices on it.
#14. PARKING FOR EXPECTANT MOTHERS ONLY. I don't have a problem with this in theory, but sooner or later we're not going to have any good parking spots left. At the very least, stores should also consider "Parking for the Hungover Only".
#13. EVITES. If you can't count how many of the 9 people you invited over for fondue and wine spritzers without having to log onto an internet page, that’s your problem. The reality is, an email's just fine, and it's not going to steal your friends email addresses and sell them to spam-marketers.
#12. LIVESTRONG BRACELETS. I hate cancer as much as the next dude. But there's something so off-putting about wearing an "awareness" bracelet. It's lilke people who wear them stare at your naked wrist like "What, you don't care about autism?" or "So you're not doing anything to prevent Child Abuse?"
#11. SMOKE FREE CAMPUSES. Three best times for a cigarette: With a beer, With a coffee, and after having relations. Three activities widely practiced in college: Beer, Coffee, Sex. I'm not saying smoking should be allowed in the dorm rooms (though God it was fucking awesome going to school in the 90s) but at least allow a poor fella to duck outside with a red solo cup and a Marlboro light after hooking up.
#10. MANDATORY AMERICAN FLAG LAPEL PINS. Newsflash: If you have to show your patriotic by flaunting the flag, you miss the entire point.
#9. FREECREDITREPORT.COM. There's a lot of competition for worst commercial campaigns of the century: Anything be Geico (how'd that caveman sitcom work out), the Yogurt Loving Women (This is first-kiss-good. No, it's Indigo Girls-Concert-Good), and of course, The Gap. However, nothing's been more annoying than the Free Credit Report jackass and his catchy jingles. What makes matters worse, at the end of each annoying commercial, they say "Requires Enrollment in Triple Advantage". So it's not even fucking FREE. But that’s America in the Aughts: We believe something just because you say it: Clean Air Act, Leave No Child Behind, Iraqi Freedom, Free Credit Report.
#8. DOWNLOADABLE INTERNET JUKEBOXES. Loving music and drinking the way I do, you'd think I'd love this idea. But alas, not a chance in hell. First off, it's completely undemocratic (and uniquely American) - for extra money, you can leapfrog people who requested a song before you. So much for throwing a $5 in, selecting 18 songs and anxiously awaiting "You Give Love a Bad Name" to tell you that the next hour's on you. Secondly, a bar's jukebox used to be part of it's character. Certain songs remind me of times spent at certain bars, like the Marshall Tucker Band's "Can't You See" or the Allmans "Melissa" at the Mountain Valley Brew Pub, or anything off of "Who's Better, Who's Best" at Andy's Corner Bar but that’s all gone now, cause if I have $2 I can play the Canadian National Anthem wherever I want, and if I double down, I can play it before you're request.
#7. TEA PARTIES. Look, I'm as populist in nature as they come, and I distrust ALL authority. I think the founding fathers were the REAL Greatest Generation and the American Constitution is the most beautiful document in history. But what you've seen this past summer was nothing more than a glorified Klan rally. A bunch of wackadoos who 5 years earlier were all about deficit spending and nation building looking for an excuse to protest the fact that The President of the United States has a funny name and doesnt look like them. Don't believe me? 3/4 of them didn't believe that the President was born in the United States and they thought he was a Muslim.
#6. TAILGATE BANS. It's begun. Our last bastion of liberty is under siege. The only public place where it's acceptable to enjoy an adult beverage in an open container, grill over an open fire, and pee on the side of an Escalade is the target of college and professional parking lots. On the university front, it's the same minges who brought you smoke free campuses and required that you asked permission to get to second base. On the pro level, surprise, it's all about money. They're realizing that you're drinking a $10 twelve pack outside and not a $12 pint inside. And your flame broiled cheeseburger cost you a buck instead of a cold microwaved one left over from last week's game. You wanna protest something Teabaggers? Here's your chance.
#5. CROCS. Those plastic shoes with holes in them. I can see how they make life easier for a parent. No laces, safer than a flip flop and cheap. But that should end with enrollment in kindergarten, not your 50th birthday party. Note to adults who wear these things (and I'm using the movie theater definition of adults: Over 12): You look like a jackass. And we're laughing at you.
#4. THE COLOR-CODED TERROR ALERT CHART. Really? If you ever once fell for this shit and took it seriously, or said to yourself "Oh no, we've moved up to Red", do us a favor: Get a vasectomy, get your tubes tied, whatever. Just PLEASE, for the love of humanity, DO NOT PROCREATE! America, the world, can not possibly afford you in the gene pool anymore, we have enough problems.
#3. UNCONVENTIONAL MORTGAGES. Yup. I got one. Nope, I never should have been able to buy a house with $300 in my checking account. Lucky for us, we've been able to make our payments on a vastly overpriced house. But many Americans haven’t been, and that pretty much brought us to the brink of a depression. Greedy, sniveling cocksucking banks.
#2. MAGNETIC RIBBONS. Like rubber bracelets on steroids. Turning the interstate into one massive shitpile of causes. Alright, we get it, you adopted a pet. What’s your fucking point? Do you think that the person in the car behind you is going to make the decision to rescue a mutt from the pound because of the ribbon magnet on your Honda Pilot? Do you think somebody's going to walk past your car in the mall parking lot and think "Shit, we're in a war. I guess I should support our troops." Furthermore, do you think just throwing a magnet on your car is going to provide armor to the troops, stop stray cats from being put down or end terminal illnesses as we know it?
#1. REALITY TELEVISION. I know we've had reality television before the decade began, most notably rubbish like "The Real World" and "Survivor" (A giant tip of the cap for those of you who tuned into those, inspiring network execs to green light everything else). But this is the decade where (like everything else, thanks to money) reality television took off. We watched Flava Flav court Drago's girlfriend. We watched fat people exercise. Sometimes they were famous fat people. We saw Mini-Me pee in the closet of the bedroom he shared with Peter Brady. We are now tuning into see a glorious cadre of douchebags litter the Jersey shore.
But the worst of the worst, without a doubt, is the abomination known as American Idol. When I was a kid, we didn't crown our champions of music by sending a text message about who we thought won a karaoke contest. It would be one thing if these cover-bands would just win, get paid, and go away but that’s not the case. They invade every aspect of our culture. They're in our movies. They date our overrated quarterbacks that can't perform in December. We hear them in the supermarket. They simply won't go away!
For all of these turdlings on our television screen, I can't help but declare that Reality TV was the worst innovation of the decade.
#15. HEINEKEN LIGHT. Great, just what douchebags needed: Their own beer to chase Jaegerbombs with. But kudos to Heineken. First, they convince the common beer purchaser that their brand is high quality and enjoyable. Second, they water that shitty product down and market it towards the only people dumb enough to spend premium prices on it.
#14. PARKING FOR EXPECTANT MOTHERS ONLY. I don't have a problem with this in theory, but sooner or later we're not going to have any good parking spots left. At the very least, stores should also consider "Parking for the Hungover Only".
#13. EVITES. If you can't count how many of the 9 people you invited over for fondue and wine spritzers without having to log onto an internet page, that’s your problem. The reality is, an email's just fine, and it's not going to steal your friends email addresses and sell them to spam-marketers.
#12. LIVESTRONG BRACELETS. I hate cancer as much as the next dude. But there's something so off-putting about wearing an "awareness" bracelet. It's lilke people who wear them stare at your naked wrist like "What, you don't care about autism?" or "So you're not doing anything to prevent Child Abuse?"
#11. SMOKE FREE CAMPUSES. Three best times for a cigarette: With a beer, With a coffee, and after having relations. Three activities widely practiced in college: Beer, Coffee, Sex. I'm not saying smoking should be allowed in the dorm rooms (though God it was fucking awesome going to school in the 90s) but at least allow a poor fella to duck outside with a red solo cup and a Marlboro light after hooking up.
#10. MANDATORY AMERICAN FLAG LAPEL PINS. Newsflash: If you have to show your patriotic by flaunting the flag, you miss the entire point.
#9. FREECREDITREPORT.COM. There's a lot of competition for worst commercial campaigns of the century: Anything be Geico (how'd that caveman sitcom work out), the Yogurt Loving Women (This is first-kiss-good. No, it's Indigo Girls-Concert-Good), and of course, The Gap. However, nothing's been more annoying than the Free Credit Report jackass and his catchy jingles. What makes matters worse, at the end of each annoying commercial, they say "Requires Enrollment in Triple Advantage". So it's not even fucking FREE. But that’s America in the Aughts: We believe something just because you say it: Clean Air Act, Leave No Child Behind, Iraqi Freedom, Free Credit Report.
#8. DOWNLOADABLE INTERNET JUKEBOXES. Loving music and drinking the way I do, you'd think I'd love this idea. But alas, not a chance in hell. First off, it's completely undemocratic (and uniquely American) - for extra money, you can leapfrog people who requested a song before you. So much for throwing a $5 in, selecting 18 songs and anxiously awaiting "You Give Love a Bad Name" to tell you that the next hour's on you. Secondly, a bar's jukebox used to be part of it's character. Certain songs remind me of times spent at certain bars, like the Marshall Tucker Band's "Can't You See" or the Allmans "Melissa" at the Mountain Valley Brew Pub, or anything off of "Who's Better, Who's Best" at Andy's Corner Bar but that’s all gone now, cause if I have $2 I can play the Canadian National Anthem wherever I want, and if I double down, I can play it before you're request.
#7. TEA PARTIES. Look, I'm as populist in nature as they come, and I distrust ALL authority. I think the founding fathers were the REAL Greatest Generation and the American Constitution is the most beautiful document in history. But what you've seen this past summer was nothing more than a glorified Klan rally. A bunch of wackadoos who 5 years earlier were all about deficit spending and nation building looking for an excuse to protest the fact that The President of the United States has a funny name and doesnt look like them. Don't believe me? 3/4 of them didn't believe that the President was born in the United States and they thought he was a Muslim.
#6. TAILGATE BANS. It's begun. Our last bastion of liberty is under siege. The only public place where it's acceptable to enjoy an adult beverage in an open container, grill over an open fire, and pee on the side of an Escalade is the target of college and professional parking lots. On the university front, it's the same minges who brought you smoke free campuses and required that you asked permission to get to second base. On the pro level, surprise, it's all about money. They're realizing that you're drinking a $10 twelve pack outside and not a $12 pint inside. And your flame broiled cheeseburger cost you a buck instead of a cold microwaved one left over from last week's game. You wanna protest something Teabaggers? Here's your chance.
#5. CROCS. Those plastic shoes with holes in them. I can see how they make life easier for a parent. No laces, safer than a flip flop and cheap. But that should end with enrollment in kindergarten, not your 50th birthday party. Note to adults who wear these things (and I'm using the movie theater definition of adults: Over 12): You look like a jackass. And we're laughing at you.
#4. THE COLOR-CODED TERROR ALERT CHART. Really? If you ever once fell for this shit and took it seriously, or said to yourself "Oh no, we've moved up to Red", do us a favor: Get a vasectomy, get your tubes tied, whatever. Just PLEASE, for the love of humanity, DO NOT PROCREATE! America, the world, can not possibly afford you in the gene pool anymore, we have enough problems.
#3. UNCONVENTIONAL MORTGAGES. Yup. I got one. Nope, I never should have been able to buy a house with $300 in my checking account. Lucky for us, we've been able to make our payments on a vastly overpriced house. But many Americans haven’t been, and that pretty much brought us to the brink of a depression. Greedy, sniveling cocksucking banks.
#2. MAGNETIC RIBBONS. Like rubber bracelets on steroids. Turning the interstate into one massive shitpile of causes. Alright, we get it, you adopted a pet. What’s your fucking point? Do you think that the person in the car behind you is going to make the decision to rescue a mutt from the pound because of the ribbon magnet on your Honda Pilot? Do you think somebody's going to walk past your car in the mall parking lot and think "Shit, we're in a war. I guess I should support our troops." Furthermore, do you think just throwing a magnet on your car is going to provide armor to the troops, stop stray cats from being put down or end terminal illnesses as we know it?
#1. REALITY TELEVISION. I know we've had reality television before the decade began, most notably rubbish like "The Real World" and "Survivor" (A giant tip of the cap for those of you who tuned into those, inspiring network execs to green light everything else). But this is the decade where (like everything else, thanks to money) reality television took off. We watched Flava Flav court Drago's girlfriend. We watched fat people exercise. Sometimes they were famous fat people. We saw Mini-Me pee in the closet of the bedroom he shared with Peter Brady. We are now tuning into see a glorious cadre of douchebags litter the Jersey shore.
But the worst of the worst, without a doubt, is the abomination known as American Idol. When I was a kid, we didn't crown our champions of music by sending a text message about who we thought won a karaoke contest. It would be one thing if these cover-bands would just win, get paid, and go away but that’s not the case. They invade every aspect of our culture. They're in our movies. They date our overrated quarterbacks that can't perform in December. We hear them in the supermarket. They simply won't go away!
For all of these turdlings on our television screen, I can't help but declare that Reality TV was the worst innovation of the decade.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
The 10 Worst Movies Of The Decade
I've wasted many an hour this decade. The hours spent watching these were tedious and painful, so let Internet History record that I was most displeased by these productions.
#10. RADIO. Yeah, I got sucked in to the cliche premise. A retarded African-American gets a special place on a Southern white football team. Don't know why I expected "A Time To Kill" but this useless waste of time was 100% pure trash. Cuba Gooding's "Radio" character wasn't even good enough to make fun of like Rainman or Corky or the thing from "Mask".
#9. THE LORD OF THE RINGS: FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING. Christ, I tried. I tried twice to get into this 3 hour critically acclaimed abomination. Yes, I'm a Star Wars junky. No, this is nothing like Star Wars at all. Men on horses, quasi-midgets with big feet, ghosts, mountains, waterfalls. Thats all I took from it. I don't care how good you claim the sequels were, I gave 6 hours to this and it couldn't reel me in. It's not you, it's me. No, that's a lie.
#8. MICHAEL CLAYTON. Here's where I feel like I'm missing something. The premise, the cast, it sounded interesting. The reviews were nothing short of stellar. But while watching it, I was longing for past experiences like teenage pregnancy scares, Saturday detentions, being arrested, going to the dentist and church.
#7. DREAMCATCHER. One of these days I'll stop being roped in by "Based on the Novel by Stephen King". I took two hours out of my life to learn about how a mentally challenged boy named Dudditz knew that aliens were coming all along. Compelling shit.
#6. THE HOURS. Dear Women: We're Even. Love, Ed. I don't know what experience was worse: Reading the Cliff's Notes to Virginia Wolf's "Mrs Dalloway", or watching this adaptation about 3 different women in a 125 year period impacted by the novel. The fact that I sat threw this rubbish should clearly absolve me of all past and some future use of the "C" word. Move over "Legends of the Fall", you're no longer the worst movie to ever be nominated for Best Picture.
#5. THE BREAKUP. Holy false advertising Batman! During the peak of Vince Vaughn's tolerability we had this gem, marketed as some sort of War of the Roses type anti-romantic comedy. And the first 20 minutes were just that. But then a serious drama about love and loss and heartbreak broke out. I was duped! And it wasn't even good! Even my wife, who loves a good tearjerker thought it was crap.
#4. THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. Alright, Alright, we get it. Per biblical accounts, the Romans beat the living shit out of Jesus Christ before his crucifixion. Yes, I bought into the hype and went to see it to check out what all the rage was about. What I saw was a 126 minute sadistic borderline-snuff film that wasn't even in English. And therein lies another problem. If you want to be historically acurate with the language, shouldn't Mel Gibson found an actor who looked like what Jesus likely looked like? Funny how the same people who bitch and whine about movies being too violent were taking their kids out of school to sit through this.
#3. THE BROTHERS SOLOMON. Oh good heavens. This was bad. So unbelivably bad. Walking through Blockbuster one day I saw this on the shelf and figured, hey, it might be a hidden gem. Will Forte (an integral part in SNL's mid-decade resurgence) and Will Arnet (Gob from Arrested Development) with Rip Torn thrown in for good measure. Holy shit was I wrong. This disaster set comedy back 30 years. Not a single redeeming quality, nothing worthwhile whatsoever. I'd rather be waterboarded than sit through this again.
#2. THE VILLAGE. While it was ruined for me about 6 minutes in when my wife completely figured out the entire premise of the story, that doesnt change the fact that this abomination was painful to sit through. I'd have been better off taking the $12 we spent on admission, cutting it up into tiny pieces, burning it and flushing it down the toilet. It's only contribution to humanity was making the phrase "Those We Don't Speak Of" a nice insult to family you don't want to deal witrh.
#1. I KNOW WHO KILLED ME. Wow. Somebody put this in very safe, very deep storage so anthropologists in the year 3000 can learn all they need to know about Lindsay Lohan. The only reason I picked this up at Blockbuster was because I can respect a really bad and really cheesey horror movie. It's an art, actually. I long for old slasher films like "April Fool's Day" or the "Sleepaway Camp Massacre" trilogy. Even the really bad supernatural ones like "Rumplestilskin" or "Jack Frost". But this was nothing of the sort. Filmed with a budget of about 37 dollars, it was still a waste of money. With a plot more ridiculous than the previous 9 films on this list combined, not once did it make the slightest attempt at being remotely interesting. Not once was there a hint of suspense. And not once was there anything to make you think Lohan's not ending up in cheap hardcore porn if she lives to be 35.
#10. RADIO. Yeah, I got sucked in to the cliche premise. A retarded African-American gets a special place on a Southern white football team. Don't know why I expected "A Time To Kill" but this useless waste of time was 100% pure trash. Cuba Gooding's "Radio" character wasn't even good enough to make fun of like Rainman or Corky or the thing from "Mask".
#9. THE LORD OF THE RINGS: FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING. Christ, I tried. I tried twice to get into this 3 hour critically acclaimed abomination. Yes, I'm a Star Wars junky. No, this is nothing like Star Wars at all. Men on horses, quasi-midgets with big feet, ghosts, mountains, waterfalls. Thats all I took from it. I don't care how good you claim the sequels were, I gave 6 hours to this and it couldn't reel me in. It's not you, it's me. No, that's a lie.
#8. MICHAEL CLAYTON. Here's where I feel like I'm missing something. The premise, the cast, it sounded interesting. The reviews were nothing short of stellar. But while watching it, I was longing for past experiences like teenage pregnancy scares, Saturday detentions, being arrested, going to the dentist and church.
#7. DREAMCATCHER. One of these days I'll stop being roped in by "Based on the Novel by Stephen King". I took two hours out of my life to learn about how a mentally challenged boy named Dudditz knew that aliens were coming all along. Compelling shit.
#6. THE HOURS. Dear Women: We're Even. Love, Ed. I don't know what experience was worse: Reading the Cliff's Notes to Virginia Wolf's "Mrs Dalloway", or watching this adaptation about 3 different women in a 125 year period impacted by the novel. The fact that I sat threw this rubbish should clearly absolve me of all past and some future use of the "C" word. Move over "Legends of the Fall", you're no longer the worst movie to ever be nominated for Best Picture.
#5. THE BREAKUP. Holy false advertising Batman! During the peak of Vince Vaughn's tolerability we had this gem, marketed as some sort of War of the Roses type anti-romantic comedy. And the first 20 minutes were just that. But then a serious drama about love and loss and heartbreak broke out. I was duped! And it wasn't even good! Even my wife, who loves a good tearjerker thought it was crap.
#4. THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. Alright, Alright, we get it. Per biblical accounts, the Romans beat the living shit out of Jesus Christ before his crucifixion. Yes, I bought into the hype and went to see it to check out what all the rage was about. What I saw was a 126 minute sadistic borderline-snuff film that wasn't even in English. And therein lies another problem. If you want to be historically acurate with the language, shouldn't Mel Gibson found an actor who looked like what Jesus likely looked like? Funny how the same people who bitch and whine about movies being too violent were taking their kids out of school to sit through this.
#3. THE BROTHERS SOLOMON. Oh good heavens. This was bad. So unbelivably bad. Walking through Blockbuster one day I saw this on the shelf and figured, hey, it might be a hidden gem. Will Forte (an integral part in SNL's mid-decade resurgence) and Will Arnet (Gob from Arrested Development) with Rip Torn thrown in for good measure. Holy shit was I wrong. This disaster set comedy back 30 years. Not a single redeeming quality, nothing worthwhile whatsoever. I'd rather be waterboarded than sit through this again.
#2. THE VILLAGE. While it was ruined for me about 6 minutes in when my wife completely figured out the entire premise of the story, that doesnt change the fact that this abomination was painful to sit through. I'd have been better off taking the $12 we spent on admission, cutting it up into tiny pieces, burning it and flushing it down the toilet. It's only contribution to humanity was making the phrase "Those We Don't Speak Of" a nice insult to family you don't want to deal witrh.
#1. I KNOW WHO KILLED ME. Wow. Somebody put this in very safe, very deep storage so anthropologists in the year 3000 can learn all they need to know about Lindsay Lohan. The only reason I picked this up at Blockbuster was because I can respect a really bad and really cheesey horror movie. It's an art, actually. I long for old slasher films like "April Fool's Day" or the "Sleepaway Camp Massacre" trilogy. Even the really bad supernatural ones like "Rumplestilskin" or "Jack Frost". But this was nothing of the sort. Filmed with a budget of about 37 dollars, it was still a waste of money. With a plot more ridiculous than the previous 9 films on this list combined, not once did it make the slightest attempt at being remotely interesting. Not once was there a hint of suspense. And not once was there anything to make you think Lohan's not ending up in cheap hardcore porn if she lives to be 35.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
My Top 100 Movies of the Decade
Obviously it's a borderline impossible task to intertwine different genres of movies into one massive countdown. I did my best to line up a film based off where it stands within it's genre or subdivision and tried to rank accordingly. My basic criteria was: How much did I like it. Actually, that was my only criteria, prevented me from going crazy you know? Special thanks to Netflix and my overall lack of energy for their massive contribution to this list...
100. RED DRAGON – Original Lechter. Good shit.
99. STATE OF PLAY – Love me a good political thriller
98. COLD MOUNTAIN – Renee Zelwegger at her ugliest. No small feat.
97. THE PATRIOT – Bravehart, only set in South Carolina.
96. MEAN GIRLS – The first hint of Tina Fey’s genius
95. THE OTHERS – And I’ve hit my Nicole Kidman quota.
94. DISTURBIA – Surprisingly good, had extremely low expectations
93. SHREK – Only animated film I saw all decade. Had its moments.
92. A BEAUTIFUL MIND – Overhyped tremendously but quality nonetheless
91. ACROSS THE UNIVERSE – Tells the stories of the late 60s as sung by the Beatles. Duh.
90. EASTERN PROMISES – Unique, engaging, twisted. Great formula.
89. UNBREAKABLE – Before M. Night Shamilan went to shit
88. THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU – Top notch dry humor.
87. THE RING – Gotta respect a quality horror flick
86. WE WERE SOLDIERS – Before Mel went off the deep end, covers a period of the Vietnam War often overlooked. Bonus points for being the first movie I saw at a drive in, in the serial killer area of northern California.
85. ABOUT SCHMIDT – Yeah, nothing really to add
84. PINEAPPLE EXPRESS – Gets better with each viewing
83. MASTER AND COMMANDER – Darwin. Respect.
82. IDIOCRACY – You got it or you didn’t. If you didn’t, you proved its point.
81. WE ARE MARSHALL – Most “based on a true story” movies blow. This one didn’t.
80. GI JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA – Ain’t afraid to admit it, I thoroughly enjoyed this throwback.
79. ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGANDY – Eminently quotable. Whale’s Vagina.
78. BAD SANTA – Tis the season to laugh your friggin ass off.
77. CINDERALLA MAN – Why are boxing movies so easy to do right?
76. SYRIANNA – What a wonderful world we live in.
75. MIRACLE – Like “We Are Marshall” only better cause Soviets are involved.
74. THE GOOD GIRL – Unheralded but probably John C Reilly’s best work ever.
73. THE KINGDOM – I’m glad I never held hands with a Saudi Prince
72. CAPOTE – PSH at his best.
71. BLOOD DIAMOND – Kind of a disappointment based off cast/premise. But a good watch anyway.
70. BEST IN SHOW – I will NEVER tire of Christopher Guest movies. Never.
69. STAR WARS: EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES - I always have a hell of a time ranking a SW movie. Empire it wasn’t, but it was sure better than Menace.
68. I AM SAM - Sean Penn plays an austic man who likes ponies and the Beatles. Oscars for all!
67. ENEMY AT THE GATES – Soviets, Nazis, snipers. Only missing midgets.
66. MINORITY REPORT - Personally think Tom Cruise only had like 3 great roles: A Few Good Men, Born on the 4th of July, and this.
65. GOODNIGHT AND GOOD LUCK - Dry and bland but tells a great story and captures the time perfectly.
64. VERONICA GUERIN - Irish. Sold.
63. NATIONAL TREASURE - A guilty pleasure that I’ve enjoyed thoroughly through many airings on TNT or USA.
62. BATMAN BEGINS - Finally broke the funk of bad and predictable comic book movies.
61. AMERICAN PSYCHO - The part Christian Bale was born to play. Literally.
60. DOUBT - An absolutely shitty ending knocks this otherwise incredible film down about 50 spots.
59. ANGELS AND DEMONS – Perfect cast, perfect adaptation.
58. TROPIC THUNDER – Did not expect to laugh as much as I did.
57. A MIGHT WIND – E A Oe’s. Another Chris Guest classic.
56. MONSTERS BALL – One hot woman with issues.
55. RESCUE DAWN – Another incredible performance by Christopher Bale and Steve Zahn shows a side you’d never have thought possible.
54. DODGEBALL – I found it funnier than most.
53. FOG OF WAR – Stunning McNamara memoir.
52. AMERICAN GANGSTER – Makes me wonder why I never heard of Frank Lucas before this film. By the end, you’d have thought he was Al Capone.
51. OCEANS ELEVEN – A lotta remakes suck. This didn’t. Thoroughly entertaining. I don’t care how low you set the bar.
50. ANGELS IN AMERICA – Technically a mini-series but whatever, my list, my rules. Pacino’s finest work in ages as Roy Cohn.
49. A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE – Mind-bending.
48. EUROTRIP – Don’t even think the director would rank it this high but making a great “bad movie” is an art form.
47. SAVED! – Little know film makes a mockery of evangelical hypocrisy. Don’t take much more than that to make me happy.
46. THE QUEEN – Pisses on the house of Windsor. Score!
45. KNOCKED UP – So THAT’S how you get Pink Eye.
44. RENDITION – This is why the Constitution matters folks.
43. RELIGOULOUS – With George Carlin having left us, Bill Maher is my new spiritual guru.
42. BORAT – Disturbing, gross, offensive, hysterical.
41. FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL – Moves up 5 notches every time I see it.
40. THE STRANGERS – A great thriller. On the edge of your seat 5 minutes in and you’re there all the way through. The most disturbing part is probably the final quote. “Because you were home”.
39. BIG FISH – A bit cheesy but one of those movies you think about for days and days after you see it.
38. THE GOOD SHEPPARD – Over 3 hours long, but a great retelling about the formation of the CIA and the intelligence aftermath of the Bay of Pigs.
37. RAY – A perfectly cast, well produced biopic.
36. GARDEN STATE – From underrated to overrated and back again, settles nicely around the 36th percentile.
35. THANK YOU FOR SMOKING – You’re quite welcome.
34. SLUMDOG MILLIONARE – Was never going to meet the hype and expectation, but it was a fascinating tale nonetheless.
33. 61* - Thomas Jane’s Mickey Mantle was one of the best played roles I’ve ever seen.
32. SIGNS – M Night’s last hurrah before finally going down the crapper.
31. OLD SCHOOL – Possibly the funniest cast of the decade, Frank the Tank’s “Streaking” Moment might be one of the 5 funniest of these 10 years.
30. THE WRESTLER – I still can’t believe that was Mickey Rourke. Gotta respect 2 people doing shots and listening to Ratt in the middle of the afternoon.
29. IN BRUGES – 180 degrees different than what I was expecting, makes you appreciate films free from the Hollywood constrictions for story arcs. Also, Dwarves. Racist Dwarves with coke problems!
28. CRASH – Clever, intelligent and thought provoking.
27. LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE – Over the top a bit, but very well done.
26. RAT RACE – Christ, my ribs were hurting after watching this, laughed non-stop for the entire movie. Highlighted by the trip to the Barbie Museum.
25. THE WACKNESS – I forgive it for making 1994 seem like it was 40 years ago, this little known Ben Kingsley movie was shockingly good.
24. FAHRENHEIT 9/11 – Really, do I need to explain why I loved this?
23. ROAD TO PERDITION – Outside of Forrest Gump, possibly Tom Hanks’ best work.
22. THE WIND THAT SHAKES THE BARLEY – Tragic tale of the Irish Civil War. Done very well.
21. HOTEL RWANDA – Finally, Don Cheadle was no longer “That Guy from the Golden Girls Spin-Off”
20. IN AMERICA – Classic story about immigrant life, the decades may change but the fundamentals never do.
19. MAGDELENE SISTERS – Anyone else find it ironic that there’s likely a very special room in hell for Nuns?
18. MOTORCYCLE DIARIES – I hate subtitles but the highest compliment I can pay a subtitled film is that you didn’t notice them. Fascinating tale about the early life of Che Guevera (the dude with the Star beret on red T-Shirts that the kids wear). Also the last movie I saw at The Rialto Theater in RP. Pour Some Out.
17. WALK THE LINE – I don’t care if it was “Ray For White People”, it was done better, and cast just as well. Reese Witherspoon’s “June Carter Cash” might be the surprise performance of the decade.
16. 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN – A role that couldn’t be played by anyone other than Steve Carrell.
15. ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND – Extremely interesting premise, and Jim Carrey’s least annoying role since ever.
14. FROST/NIXON – Well cast, well produced and with an incredibly authentic feel. A bit dry but if you love politics and history that obviously doesn’t bother you.
13. SUPERBAD – Coming of Age Done Right. My ribs were sore for days after seeing it for the first time. McLovin enters the Pantheon.
12. THE DEPARTED – Odd that Scorcese finally won the Oscar for this but that’s besides the point. Jack and Damon carry a ridiculously impressive cast in an unpredictable and bloody masterpiece.
11. THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS – You either love it or hate it. I’m with the former. Not exactly action packed or fast moving at all but a deeper “dramedy” that’ll have you thinking about it for days.
10. O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU – Why suffer through 600 pages of Homer’s “Odyssey” when you can watch the Cohen Brothers’ interpretation, set in the depression era South, in a little more than 2 hours. A vision you could only expect from them, the clever dialogue and adventurous journey ranks right there with the best of their work.
9. THE DARK KNIGHT – Throw out the fact that Heath Ledger died before its release, naturally over-hyping the movie and the reviews. This movie is THAT good, and Ledger’s role is THAT impressive. Can’t quite say the late brokebacker carried the movie, not with the performance that Christian Bale turned in, but he did what I thought was impossible: Out-Jokered Nicholson’s Joker.
8. THE HANGOVER – There’s got to be a spot in the top 10 for the best slapstick comedy of the decade, right? Instantaneously, The Hangover enters the Comedy Hall of Fame on a level with “American Pie” and “Dumb and Dumber”. With the release of the DVD just in time for the holidays, expect to hear a lot more about Tigers loving Pepper and how Rainman was “A Ra Tard”.
7. MYSTIC RIVER – Deep, sick, and an impressive cast of characters. Sleepers with a Southie twist and Tim Robbins’ finest work since Bull Durham.
6. JUNO – It’s like “For Keeps” only with a better cast, better dialogue, better soundtrack, better looking expecting mom, better storyline, more realistic and a better overall movie. Any movie that can cast Vern Schillinger as a sympathetic working class father doing his best to help his pregnant teenage daughter is worthy of all the accolades and praise that comes his way.
5. “V” FOR VENDETTA. And thus begins the Natalie Portman portion of the top 10. A movie you’ll either get or hate, this adaptation of an old comic book was nothing short of captivating. Part 1984, Part Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Part Red Dawn.
4. STAR WARS: EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH. Yeah it’s a bias pick. Whatever. Sith had the unenviable task of wrapping up the first trilogy and setting the scene for the original, more beloved trilogy and it exceeded all expectations. Seeing the rise/birth of Darth Vader on screen after 30 years was a treat for all moviegoers, SW Heads or not. And it kept to most sacred formula of all Star Wars films: Make sure the acting kind of sucks.
3. MILK. Tells a tale that needs to be told. Harvey Milk was a genuine American martyr and almost nobody had heard his name before this movie was released. Imagine that being the case with other American icons, be it Susan B Anthony or Martin Luther King? But simply retelling a story doesn’t make a movie great. Sean Penn delivered the performance of a lifetime and James Brolin turned in a solid one as well. The movie blended actual footage from the time into its cut production more seamlessly than any film before hand. Tremendous production, an all time great film.
2. ALMOST FAMOUS. While it has the best soundtrack of the decade, Almost Famous doesn’t get nearly as much credit as it deserves. Possibly the greatest Rock’N Roll movie ever, it’s completely rewatchable, stands the test of time, extremely quotable, and has women traded for beer. What’s not to love? Bonus points for PSH’s “Lester Bangs”, arguably one of the most interesting movie characters of the decade.
1. GANGS OF NEW YORK. I find nothing more fascinating than the history of New York City. How did this new world trading post grow to become indisputably the greatest city in the history of mankind? Why New York and not Boston or Philadelphia or Richmond? Who were the people that built this metropolis? Gangs covers (while taking some historical liberties) one of the more interesting eras in New York history (and lets face it, they’re all interesting). More of a composite than a rundown of actual events, Martin Scorcese does an impeccable job of capturing the mood and culture of both the “Natvie” Americans (as in, immigrants who’ve been ashore since the Revolution) and the more recent wave of predominantly Irish immigrants, who were arriving in lower Manhattan in droves in the mid-nineteenth century. It’s a story of their backbone, it’s a story of how they built the City and it’s a story of how they stuck together through thick and thin. With a cast anchored by Leo DiCaprio and the untouchable Daniel Day Lewis, Gangs of New York is Marty Scorcese’s finest hour, and the best movie of the 2000s.
100. RED DRAGON – Original Lechter. Good shit.
99. STATE OF PLAY – Love me a good political thriller
98. COLD MOUNTAIN – Renee Zelwegger at her ugliest. No small feat.
97. THE PATRIOT – Bravehart, only set in South Carolina.
96. MEAN GIRLS – The first hint of Tina Fey’s genius
95. THE OTHERS – And I’ve hit my Nicole Kidman quota.
94. DISTURBIA – Surprisingly good, had extremely low expectations
93. SHREK – Only animated film I saw all decade. Had its moments.
92. A BEAUTIFUL MIND – Overhyped tremendously but quality nonetheless
91. ACROSS THE UNIVERSE – Tells the stories of the late 60s as sung by the Beatles. Duh.
90. EASTERN PROMISES – Unique, engaging, twisted. Great formula.
89. UNBREAKABLE – Before M. Night Shamilan went to shit
88. THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU – Top notch dry humor.
87. THE RING – Gotta respect a quality horror flick
86. WE WERE SOLDIERS – Before Mel went off the deep end, covers a period of the Vietnam War often overlooked. Bonus points for being the first movie I saw at a drive in, in the serial killer area of northern California.
85. ABOUT SCHMIDT – Yeah, nothing really to add
84. PINEAPPLE EXPRESS – Gets better with each viewing
83. MASTER AND COMMANDER – Darwin. Respect.
82. IDIOCRACY – You got it or you didn’t. If you didn’t, you proved its point.
81. WE ARE MARSHALL – Most “based on a true story” movies blow. This one didn’t.
80. GI JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA – Ain’t afraid to admit it, I thoroughly enjoyed this throwback.
79. ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGANDY – Eminently quotable. Whale’s Vagina.
78. BAD SANTA – Tis the season to laugh your friggin ass off.
77. CINDERALLA MAN – Why are boxing movies so easy to do right?
76. SYRIANNA – What a wonderful world we live in.
75. MIRACLE – Like “We Are Marshall” only better cause Soviets are involved.
74. THE GOOD GIRL – Unheralded but probably John C Reilly’s best work ever.
73. THE KINGDOM – I’m glad I never held hands with a Saudi Prince
72. CAPOTE – PSH at his best.
71. BLOOD DIAMOND – Kind of a disappointment based off cast/premise. But a good watch anyway.
70. BEST IN SHOW – I will NEVER tire of Christopher Guest movies. Never.
69. STAR WARS: EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES - I always have a hell of a time ranking a SW movie. Empire it wasn’t, but it was sure better than Menace.
68. I AM SAM - Sean Penn plays an austic man who likes ponies and the Beatles. Oscars for all!
67. ENEMY AT THE GATES – Soviets, Nazis, snipers. Only missing midgets.
66. MINORITY REPORT - Personally think Tom Cruise only had like 3 great roles: A Few Good Men, Born on the 4th of July, and this.
65. GOODNIGHT AND GOOD LUCK - Dry and bland but tells a great story and captures the time perfectly.
64. VERONICA GUERIN - Irish. Sold.
63. NATIONAL TREASURE - A guilty pleasure that I’ve enjoyed thoroughly through many airings on TNT or USA.
62. BATMAN BEGINS - Finally broke the funk of bad and predictable comic book movies.
61. AMERICAN PSYCHO - The part Christian Bale was born to play. Literally.
60. DOUBT - An absolutely shitty ending knocks this otherwise incredible film down about 50 spots.
59. ANGELS AND DEMONS – Perfect cast, perfect adaptation.
58. TROPIC THUNDER – Did not expect to laugh as much as I did.
57. A MIGHT WIND – E A Oe’s. Another Chris Guest classic.
56. MONSTERS BALL – One hot woman with issues.
55. RESCUE DAWN – Another incredible performance by Christopher Bale and Steve Zahn shows a side you’d never have thought possible.
54. DODGEBALL – I found it funnier than most.
53. FOG OF WAR – Stunning McNamara memoir.
52. AMERICAN GANGSTER – Makes me wonder why I never heard of Frank Lucas before this film. By the end, you’d have thought he was Al Capone.
51. OCEANS ELEVEN – A lotta remakes suck. This didn’t. Thoroughly entertaining. I don’t care how low you set the bar.
50. ANGELS IN AMERICA – Technically a mini-series but whatever, my list, my rules. Pacino’s finest work in ages as Roy Cohn.
49. A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE – Mind-bending.
48. EUROTRIP – Don’t even think the director would rank it this high but making a great “bad movie” is an art form.
47. SAVED! – Little know film makes a mockery of evangelical hypocrisy. Don’t take much more than that to make me happy.
46. THE QUEEN – Pisses on the house of Windsor. Score!
45. KNOCKED UP – So THAT’S how you get Pink Eye.
44. RENDITION – This is why the Constitution matters folks.
43. RELIGOULOUS – With George Carlin having left us, Bill Maher is my new spiritual guru.
42. BORAT – Disturbing, gross, offensive, hysterical.
41. FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL – Moves up 5 notches every time I see it.
40. THE STRANGERS – A great thriller. On the edge of your seat 5 minutes in and you’re there all the way through. The most disturbing part is probably the final quote. “Because you were home”.
39. BIG FISH – A bit cheesy but one of those movies you think about for days and days after you see it.
38. THE GOOD SHEPPARD – Over 3 hours long, but a great retelling about the formation of the CIA and the intelligence aftermath of the Bay of Pigs.
37. RAY – A perfectly cast, well produced biopic.
36. GARDEN STATE – From underrated to overrated and back again, settles nicely around the 36th percentile.
35. THANK YOU FOR SMOKING – You’re quite welcome.
34. SLUMDOG MILLIONARE – Was never going to meet the hype and expectation, but it was a fascinating tale nonetheless.
33. 61* - Thomas Jane’s Mickey Mantle was one of the best played roles I’ve ever seen.
32. SIGNS – M Night’s last hurrah before finally going down the crapper.
31. OLD SCHOOL – Possibly the funniest cast of the decade, Frank the Tank’s “Streaking” Moment might be one of the 5 funniest of these 10 years.
30. THE WRESTLER – I still can’t believe that was Mickey Rourke. Gotta respect 2 people doing shots and listening to Ratt in the middle of the afternoon.
29. IN BRUGES – 180 degrees different than what I was expecting, makes you appreciate films free from the Hollywood constrictions for story arcs. Also, Dwarves. Racist Dwarves with coke problems!
28. CRASH – Clever, intelligent and thought provoking.
27. LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE – Over the top a bit, but very well done.
26. RAT RACE – Christ, my ribs were hurting after watching this, laughed non-stop for the entire movie. Highlighted by the trip to the Barbie Museum.
25. THE WACKNESS – I forgive it for making 1994 seem like it was 40 years ago, this little known Ben Kingsley movie was shockingly good.
24. FAHRENHEIT 9/11 – Really, do I need to explain why I loved this?
23. ROAD TO PERDITION – Outside of Forrest Gump, possibly Tom Hanks’ best work.
22. THE WIND THAT SHAKES THE BARLEY – Tragic tale of the Irish Civil War. Done very well.
21. HOTEL RWANDA – Finally, Don Cheadle was no longer “That Guy from the Golden Girls Spin-Off”
20. IN AMERICA – Classic story about immigrant life, the decades may change but the fundamentals never do.
19. MAGDELENE SISTERS – Anyone else find it ironic that there’s likely a very special room in hell for Nuns?
18. MOTORCYCLE DIARIES – I hate subtitles but the highest compliment I can pay a subtitled film is that you didn’t notice them. Fascinating tale about the early life of Che Guevera (the dude with the Star beret on red T-Shirts that the kids wear). Also the last movie I saw at The Rialto Theater in RP. Pour Some Out.
17. WALK THE LINE – I don’t care if it was “Ray For White People”, it was done better, and cast just as well. Reese Witherspoon’s “June Carter Cash” might be the surprise performance of the decade.
16. 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN – A role that couldn’t be played by anyone other than Steve Carrell.
15. ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND – Extremely interesting premise, and Jim Carrey’s least annoying role since ever.
14. FROST/NIXON – Well cast, well produced and with an incredibly authentic feel. A bit dry but if you love politics and history that obviously doesn’t bother you.
13. SUPERBAD – Coming of Age Done Right. My ribs were sore for days after seeing it for the first time. McLovin enters the Pantheon.
12. THE DEPARTED – Odd that Scorcese finally won the Oscar for this but that’s besides the point. Jack and Damon carry a ridiculously impressive cast in an unpredictable and bloody masterpiece.
11. THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS – You either love it or hate it. I’m with the former. Not exactly action packed or fast moving at all but a deeper “dramedy” that’ll have you thinking about it for days.
10. O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU – Why suffer through 600 pages of Homer’s “Odyssey” when you can watch the Cohen Brothers’ interpretation, set in the depression era South, in a little more than 2 hours. A vision you could only expect from them, the clever dialogue and adventurous journey ranks right there with the best of their work.
9. THE DARK KNIGHT – Throw out the fact that Heath Ledger died before its release, naturally over-hyping the movie and the reviews. This movie is THAT good, and Ledger’s role is THAT impressive. Can’t quite say the late brokebacker carried the movie, not with the performance that Christian Bale turned in, but he did what I thought was impossible: Out-Jokered Nicholson’s Joker.
8. THE HANGOVER – There’s got to be a spot in the top 10 for the best slapstick comedy of the decade, right? Instantaneously, The Hangover enters the Comedy Hall of Fame on a level with “American Pie” and “Dumb and Dumber”. With the release of the DVD just in time for the holidays, expect to hear a lot more about Tigers loving Pepper and how Rainman was “A Ra Tard”.
7. MYSTIC RIVER – Deep, sick, and an impressive cast of characters. Sleepers with a Southie twist and Tim Robbins’ finest work since Bull Durham.
6. JUNO – It’s like “For Keeps” only with a better cast, better dialogue, better soundtrack, better looking expecting mom, better storyline, more realistic and a better overall movie. Any movie that can cast Vern Schillinger as a sympathetic working class father doing his best to help his pregnant teenage daughter is worthy of all the accolades and praise that comes his way.
5. “V” FOR VENDETTA. And thus begins the Natalie Portman portion of the top 10. A movie you’ll either get or hate, this adaptation of an old comic book was nothing short of captivating. Part 1984, Part Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Part Red Dawn.
4. STAR WARS: EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH. Yeah it’s a bias pick. Whatever. Sith had the unenviable task of wrapping up the first trilogy and setting the scene for the original, more beloved trilogy and it exceeded all expectations. Seeing the rise/birth of Darth Vader on screen after 30 years was a treat for all moviegoers, SW Heads or not. And it kept to most sacred formula of all Star Wars films: Make sure the acting kind of sucks.
3. MILK. Tells a tale that needs to be told. Harvey Milk was a genuine American martyr and almost nobody had heard his name before this movie was released. Imagine that being the case with other American icons, be it Susan B Anthony or Martin Luther King? But simply retelling a story doesn’t make a movie great. Sean Penn delivered the performance of a lifetime and James Brolin turned in a solid one as well. The movie blended actual footage from the time into its cut production more seamlessly than any film before hand. Tremendous production, an all time great film.
2. ALMOST FAMOUS. While it has the best soundtrack of the decade, Almost Famous doesn’t get nearly as much credit as it deserves. Possibly the greatest Rock’N Roll movie ever, it’s completely rewatchable, stands the test of time, extremely quotable, and has women traded for beer. What’s not to love? Bonus points for PSH’s “Lester Bangs”, arguably one of the most interesting movie characters of the decade.
1. GANGS OF NEW YORK. I find nothing more fascinating than the history of New York City. How did this new world trading post grow to become indisputably the greatest city in the history of mankind? Why New York and not Boston or Philadelphia or Richmond? Who were the people that built this metropolis? Gangs covers (while taking some historical liberties) one of the more interesting eras in New York history (and lets face it, they’re all interesting). More of a composite than a rundown of actual events, Martin Scorcese does an impeccable job of capturing the mood and culture of both the “Natvie” Americans (as in, immigrants who’ve been ashore since the Revolution) and the more recent wave of predominantly Irish immigrants, who were arriving in lower Manhattan in droves in the mid-nineteenth century. It’s a story of their backbone, it’s a story of how they built the City and it’s a story of how they stuck together through thick and thin. With a cast anchored by Leo DiCaprio and the untouchable Daniel Day Lewis, Gangs of New York is Marty Scorcese’s finest hour, and the best movie of the 2000s.
Top 20 TV Shows of the Decade: #5 - #1
And this is a wrap on what was a surprisingly good decade of television. Of course, thanks to technology like the DVR and having real responsibilities prohibiting me from spending each night partying, I've also watch a ton more than I did in the previous decade.
#5. THE SOPRANOS. The show that changed television. Think back to what was considered a “TV Drama” in 1999. ER? Please. JAG? Spare Me. Party of Five? Eff Off. Before the Sopranos, our serial television shows were formulaic and the lead character was almost always a heroic, upstanding citizen who in the end would do the right thing. That all changed with the North Jersey Drama. Throw out the inevitable bonus points for being filmed in Jersey, at places we all knew and sometimes frequented. Even if you were from Greenboro, Alabama, the Sopranos was compelling television.
At its peak, Sopranomania was unlike any other phenomena in TV history. At its end, millions of people worldwide were stunned, shocked and confused by its conclusion (brilliant in retrospect). In between we were introduced to a collection of characters that rarely disappointed. Some of the plots were drawn out, and too often the public was clamoring for some Godfather-like score settling while missing the bigger message about humanity: We live in gray areas. People you assume to be good can have deviant intentions, while folks you’d think were vile, hardened criminals could have many a redeeming quality. Messages and character development aside, the lasting influence of David Chase’s vision is that television changed forever – and for better – not long after the 1999 debut of this series.
#4. RESCUE ME. A beneficiary of the Sopranos impact and the result of real world events, Rescue Me may be the defining series of the 2000s. The only thing to overcome is the occasional outlandish storyline (and the fact that every season ends with a significant character dying). No show has catalogued the American response to 9/11 better than Rescue Me (which has the obvious advantage of being based on members of the FDNY). After the dust settled, after the last frayed flag flew off an antenna on the highway, America had to figure out how to move on with their lives, which were suddenly turned upside down. And Rescue Me’s conduit for that experience is Dennis Leary’s Tommy Gavin – a man who can be a better father than Ward Cleaver and a bigger douchebag than Tony Soprano on his worst day.
Since it’s 2004 debut, we’ve seen real-life issues that those impacted by 9/11, along with the country as a whole, dissected and portrayed in a fashion that’s not quite simple to pull off. When you’re not on the verge of tears, you’re laughing your ass off. We see the dangers of being an alcoholic, a workaholic, blind patriotism and devotion. Conversely, we see the redeeming qualities of managing stress, breaking your back to provide for a family, and putting your life on the line for the greater good. “Hero” is a word that was thrown around way too liberally this decade, but nobody’s done a better job of portraying the dichotomy of a Hero than Rescue Me – this morning’s villain is this evening’s savior. Be ware of jading a man on either his greatest accomplishments or his worst moment.
We see in Tommy Gavin what we see in ourselves: the man has many flaws, but that doesn’t prevent him from rising to the occasion and doing the right thing.
#3. MAD MEN. It’s only been three seasons but this period piece has already made its mark on television, and has been a homerun for the little known AMC that carries it. Never before in TV history has a character been as intriguing as Don Draper. And never before has a time frame seem so real and authentic as 1960-1963 have appeared in the first three seasons. Admit it – of all the subjects you’d be interested in watching a television series about, the life of an advertising executive in the 1960s probably would rank right above the life of a mute Scottish goat herder in the 1740s. But the results of the show have been nothing short of fascinating. The dynamics that each character brings to the table work in such a fluid motion that you don’t even realize it. Unlike past period shows, “Mad Men” isn’t ABOUT the early 1960s, it just HAPPENS TO BE in the 1960s. The events, innovation and popular opinions of the time are just a backdrop. It’s not a parody in the vein of “That 70’s Show” and it’s not an historical examination like “The Tudors” or “Rome”. I can’t stress enough how unique this makes “Made Men”.
All that being said, Jesus Christ, how awesome must it have been to have regularly drank and smoke at work and come home to a fresh hot meal and a stiff Scotch every night?
#2. THE WEST WING. I’m gonna save the long, drawn out soapbox rant about how the WW provided my wife and I one hour of sanity in a world full of bullshit terror alerts, illiterate presidents, trumped up phony wars, mass CD burnings, tax cuts for the uber rich, congressional debate on a woman who was comatose for 20 years, and Donald Rumsfeld. Who wants to hear that. No, the “West Wing”, aside from being an oasis in a shitty world, was probably the wittiest, most well written show ever. The dialogue, sharp and quick, was intelligent without being dry. The messages were uplifting without being condescending. And above all else, it had the courage to speak to its audience like adults – no minor accomplishment for a prime time network television show.
While it sometimes mirrored real life events too closely (possible presidential impeachment over insignificant issues and tax rebate stimulus checks) the bigger point to the WW wasn’t the policy or issues per say, it was how they were handled. It was about showing America how our government works in an honest and optimistic fashion. The Presidency of Josiah Bartlett was one that any American of any stripe would have been proud of, and the staff around him was even more impressive. We admired Toby Ziegler’s defiance, Josh Lymon’s intolerance towards bullshit (a character based on current White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, who held Lymon’s position in the real-life Clinton White House), CJ Craigg’s moral compass, Sam Seborn’s zeal and prose, and most of all, Chief of Staff Leo McGarry’s battle scars, patriotism, and pragmatism. The secondary characters all brought something special to the show as well but after 7 seasons they’re too numerous to cite.
President Bartlett is in a most special tier of television characters, of this decade, only Tony Soprano and Don Draper can even challenge him. And maybe the show was too optimistic, too rosy and too impractical. Maybe it made us believe that inspiration in the public sector is possible when the reality is, it’s likely a lost art.
However, I remember the show’s final rundown, which focused on the search for Bartlett’s successor. Lymon left the White House to run an upstart campaign of a little known, inexperienced Presidential Candidate who was historic in the fact that he wasn’t a privileged white dude like the 40-something who proceeded him. After a long, tough and drawn out campaign that actually ran the distance on the primaries, that candidate won, and that candidate inspired the people to elect him to lead the country into a new era. And then I think, maybe the West Wing knew something about us Americans that we didn’t even know about ourselves.
#1. SIX FEET UNDER. Best Show Ever. Best Ending Ever. Most Interesting Cast Ever. Just some of the terms I’ve used to describe Six Feet Under, and 3 years after it’s perfect conclusion, I don’t take any of them back. The reality is, much like “Mad Men”, the premise doesn’t really suck you in to watch it – a family drama about a family run funeral parlor. Outside of the necrophiliacs and the morbid, it’s not as if it comes across as “Must See TV”. But 6FU debuted in the golden era of HBO – after the initial successes of The Sopranos, OZ, and (even though it aint my cup of tea) Sex and the City.
This platform and the publicity that came along with being on HBO allowed 6FU to flourish. From the vision of “American Beauty” director Allan Ball (which by the way, was my favorite movie of the 90s) we met the Fisher family and television was never the same again. When you speak about 6FU to someone who’s watched it, you’re preaching to the converted. Nobody who’s seen the entire series would argue that it’s among the best shows ever. When you speak to someone who hasn’t, they can’t fathom that from what they know about the show, that it’s as good as you say it is. But no show has ever covered the great taboo the way that 6FU did: Our mortality.
Nobody likes to broach the subject, few are comfortable even thinking about it. But 6FU tackled it head on. We aren’t going to live forever but its not our death that should concern us, it’s what we do with our time on earth that should. No character brought that fact home better than oldest son Nate Fisher. Who’s only real hiccup was getting his 10 year old sister stoned when he was 30 and Kurt Cobain killed himself for being too pure.
If you want to speak to the depth of the characters, look no further than Nate’s on-again-off-again-girlfriend/wife Brenda Chenowith. Talk to most men who watch the show and they hold a disdain for her on par with the likes of Terrell Owens and Hitler. It’s easy to dislike a character, but it takes some very special development over time to inspire such vitriol.
I don’t want to shortchange the rest of the cast be it the Matriarch Ruth, Middle child David, his partner Keith, youngest daughter Claire or any of the many others who drew prominent roles over the course of the show, but it would take too much time.
The most outstanding achievement of the show, however, was knowing when it was time to say goodbye. Many a show has gone off the air too late, and some couldn’t muster the staying power to last long enough. 6FU was a perfectly arced series from start to finish, not an episode too short nor an episode too long, and it delivered the single greatest finale in television history.
For all of these reasons listed above, and for the countless others I’m leaving off, I say without any hesitation, doubt, or disrespect to competitors that Six Feet Under is the Best Television Show of the 2000s.
And then some.
#5. THE SOPRANOS. The show that changed television. Think back to what was considered a “TV Drama” in 1999. ER? Please. JAG? Spare Me. Party of Five? Eff Off. Before the Sopranos, our serial television shows were formulaic and the lead character was almost always a heroic, upstanding citizen who in the end would do the right thing. That all changed with the North Jersey Drama. Throw out the inevitable bonus points for being filmed in Jersey, at places we all knew and sometimes frequented. Even if you were from Greenboro, Alabama, the Sopranos was compelling television.
At its peak, Sopranomania was unlike any other phenomena in TV history. At its end, millions of people worldwide were stunned, shocked and confused by its conclusion (brilliant in retrospect). In between we were introduced to a collection of characters that rarely disappointed. Some of the plots were drawn out, and too often the public was clamoring for some Godfather-like score settling while missing the bigger message about humanity: We live in gray areas. People you assume to be good can have deviant intentions, while folks you’d think were vile, hardened criminals could have many a redeeming quality. Messages and character development aside, the lasting influence of David Chase’s vision is that television changed forever – and for better – not long after the 1999 debut of this series.
#4. RESCUE ME. A beneficiary of the Sopranos impact and the result of real world events, Rescue Me may be the defining series of the 2000s. The only thing to overcome is the occasional outlandish storyline (and the fact that every season ends with a significant character dying). No show has catalogued the American response to 9/11 better than Rescue Me (which has the obvious advantage of being based on members of the FDNY). After the dust settled, after the last frayed flag flew off an antenna on the highway, America had to figure out how to move on with their lives, which were suddenly turned upside down. And Rescue Me’s conduit for that experience is Dennis Leary’s Tommy Gavin – a man who can be a better father than Ward Cleaver and a bigger douchebag than Tony Soprano on his worst day.
Since it’s 2004 debut, we’ve seen real-life issues that those impacted by 9/11, along with the country as a whole, dissected and portrayed in a fashion that’s not quite simple to pull off. When you’re not on the verge of tears, you’re laughing your ass off. We see the dangers of being an alcoholic, a workaholic, blind patriotism and devotion. Conversely, we see the redeeming qualities of managing stress, breaking your back to provide for a family, and putting your life on the line for the greater good. “Hero” is a word that was thrown around way too liberally this decade, but nobody’s done a better job of portraying the dichotomy of a Hero than Rescue Me – this morning’s villain is this evening’s savior. Be ware of jading a man on either his greatest accomplishments or his worst moment.
We see in Tommy Gavin what we see in ourselves: the man has many flaws, but that doesn’t prevent him from rising to the occasion and doing the right thing.
#3. MAD MEN. It’s only been three seasons but this period piece has already made its mark on television, and has been a homerun for the little known AMC that carries it. Never before in TV history has a character been as intriguing as Don Draper. And never before has a time frame seem so real and authentic as 1960-1963 have appeared in the first three seasons. Admit it – of all the subjects you’d be interested in watching a television series about, the life of an advertising executive in the 1960s probably would rank right above the life of a mute Scottish goat herder in the 1740s. But the results of the show have been nothing short of fascinating. The dynamics that each character brings to the table work in such a fluid motion that you don’t even realize it. Unlike past period shows, “Mad Men” isn’t ABOUT the early 1960s, it just HAPPENS TO BE in the 1960s. The events, innovation and popular opinions of the time are just a backdrop. It’s not a parody in the vein of “That 70’s Show” and it’s not an historical examination like “The Tudors” or “Rome”. I can’t stress enough how unique this makes “Made Men”.
All that being said, Jesus Christ, how awesome must it have been to have regularly drank and smoke at work and come home to a fresh hot meal and a stiff Scotch every night?
#2. THE WEST WING. I’m gonna save the long, drawn out soapbox rant about how the WW provided my wife and I one hour of sanity in a world full of bullshit terror alerts, illiterate presidents, trumped up phony wars, mass CD burnings, tax cuts for the uber rich, congressional debate on a woman who was comatose for 20 years, and Donald Rumsfeld. Who wants to hear that. No, the “West Wing”, aside from being an oasis in a shitty world, was probably the wittiest, most well written show ever. The dialogue, sharp and quick, was intelligent without being dry. The messages were uplifting without being condescending. And above all else, it had the courage to speak to its audience like adults – no minor accomplishment for a prime time network television show.
While it sometimes mirrored real life events too closely (possible presidential impeachment over insignificant issues and tax rebate stimulus checks) the bigger point to the WW wasn’t the policy or issues per say, it was how they were handled. It was about showing America how our government works in an honest and optimistic fashion. The Presidency of Josiah Bartlett was one that any American of any stripe would have been proud of, and the staff around him was even more impressive. We admired Toby Ziegler’s defiance, Josh Lymon’s intolerance towards bullshit (a character based on current White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, who held Lymon’s position in the real-life Clinton White House), CJ Craigg’s moral compass, Sam Seborn’s zeal and prose, and most of all, Chief of Staff Leo McGarry’s battle scars, patriotism, and pragmatism. The secondary characters all brought something special to the show as well but after 7 seasons they’re too numerous to cite.
President Bartlett is in a most special tier of television characters, of this decade, only Tony Soprano and Don Draper can even challenge him. And maybe the show was too optimistic, too rosy and too impractical. Maybe it made us believe that inspiration in the public sector is possible when the reality is, it’s likely a lost art.
However, I remember the show’s final rundown, which focused on the search for Bartlett’s successor. Lymon left the White House to run an upstart campaign of a little known, inexperienced Presidential Candidate who was historic in the fact that he wasn’t a privileged white dude like the 40-something who proceeded him. After a long, tough and drawn out campaign that actually ran the distance on the primaries, that candidate won, and that candidate inspired the people to elect him to lead the country into a new era. And then I think, maybe the West Wing knew something about us Americans that we didn’t even know about ourselves.
#1. SIX FEET UNDER. Best Show Ever. Best Ending Ever. Most Interesting Cast Ever. Just some of the terms I’ve used to describe Six Feet Under, and 3 years after it’s perfect conclusion, I don’t take any of them back. The reality is, much like “Mad Men”, the premise doesn’t really suck you in to watch it – a family drama about a family run funeral parlor. Outside of the necrophiliacs and the morbid, it’s not as if it comes across as “Must See TV”. But 6FU debuted in the golden era of HBO – after the initial successes of The Sopranos, OZ, and (even though it aint my cup of tea) Sex and the City.
This platform and the publicity that came along with being on HBO allowed 6FU to flourish. From the vision of “American Beauty” director Allan Ball (which by the way, was my favorite movie of the 90s) we met the Fisher family and television was never the same again. When you speak about 6FU to someone who’s watched it, you’re preaching to the converted. Nobody who’s seen the entire series would argue that it’s among the best shows ever. When you speak to someone who hasn’t, they can’t fathom that from what they know about the show, that it’s as good as you say it is. But no show has ever covered the great taboo the way that 6FU did: Our mortality.
Nobody likes to broach the subject, few are comfortable even thinking about it. But 6FU tackled it head on. We aren’t going to live forever but its not our death that should concern us, it’s what we do with our time on earth that should. No character brought that fact home better than oldest son Nate Fisher. Who’s only real hiccup was getting his 10 year old sister stoned when he was 30 and Kurt Cobain killed himself for being too pure.
If you want to speak to the depth of the characters, look no further than Nate’s on-again-off-again-girlfriend/wife Brenda Chenowith. Talk to most men who watch the show and they hold a disdain for her on par with the likes of Terrell Owens and Hitler. It’s easy to dislike a character, but it takes some very special development over time to inspire such vitriol.
I don’t want to shortchange the rest of the cast be it the Matriarch Ruth, Middle child David, his partner Keith, youngest daughter Claire or any of the many others who drew prominent roles over the course of the show, but it would take too much time.
The most outstanding achievement of the show, however, was knowing when it was time to say goodbye. Many a show has gone off the air too late, and some couldn’t muster the staying power to last long enough. 6FU was a perfectly arced series from start to finish, not an episode too short nor an episode too long, and it delivered the single greatest finale in television history.
For all of these reasons listed above, and for the countless others I’m leaving off, I say without any hesitation, doubt, or disrespect to competitors that Six Feet Under is the Best Television Show of the 2000s.
And then some.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Top 20 TV Shows of the Decade: #10 - #6
The top 5 are extremely close, but these five were the hardest of all to seperate for me. I thoroughly enjoyed each and every one of these shows, and still do for the ones that we're lucky enough to still get new material from...
#10. ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. If you want to sum up the state of the American Intellect with one fact, it’s that American Idol became a runaway ratings bonanza while Arrested Development could only muster up about 37 people a week to tune in. Luckily for me, I think I know about 23 of those 37 people. While many shows have followed suit, AD was the one of the first to abandon the laugh track and go documentary/single camera POV style. And if you go back now and watch a show with a laugh track it seems so contrived and forced, a stunning development coming just as the sitcom was saying goodbye to Friends, Frazier, Seinfeld and everything else that used to make NBC not a laughing stock.
#9. LOST. Nobody hates Lost more than the people who love it. But no show in television history has ever inspired so much chatter and speculation as this island mystery. Not it’s ancestors “Twin Peaks” or “The X-Files”. Not it’s rip-offs like “Fringe”. From the minute we saw the polar bear or heard the island monster, every scene, every character, every detail has been overanalyzed and broken down to whatever conclusion you’d prefer to assign to it. I think the defining moment of the show came off-camera. After Season 3 the network and staff decided to give the show a finite end date (Spring 2010 season) which in retrospect was absolutely brilliant. Free from concern over ratings or dangling just enough info to keep people tuning in each week or each season, the writers charted a time specific course to bring the show to it’s long awaited conclusion. Some people have been disappointed with the direction the show has taken – yet they still tune in on a weekly basis. Which means Lost is still doing its job.
#8. 30 ROCK. I’ll say it right now: Liz Lemon is the best lead female character in television history. Now that that’s out of the way, if you’re not watching 30 Rock every week, you’re living a deprived life. Every character is so integral and perfectly cast that you’re really not going to be left disappointed on a weekly basis. The satirical commentary on Fortune 100 Executive life, portrayed through Alec Baldwin’s Jack Donaghee is one of the greater signs of the times this decade. Tracy Morgan’s Tracy Jordan (do I have that right?) is possibly the funniest character on TV. Just last night he let us know that reason Catholics can’t eat meat on Friday is because the Pope owns Long John Silver. And that might not even be one of his 20 funniest moments in 4 seasons or so.
#7. FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS. The television graveyard has its share of shows that attempted to tap into the American obsession with sports. Most are forgettable, few make it past mid-season (“Coach” is the only show I can recall with some success). But FNL finally got it right. The reality of the show is, football is just a very small part of the action. However, it serves as the launching pad for everything else on the program, and in a more macro sense, in life. My first reaction to the program was great, it’s going to be 90210 with jocks and cheerleaders, thanks but I’ll pass I couldn’t have been more wrong. I’m eternally grateful that I watched beyond the first episode - where the star QB heading to Notre Dame becomes paralyzed, seemingly right out of the Official Cliché Playbook.
And while some storylines seem a tad bit over-the-top, at its absolute core, the show is a genuine tale of the American livelihood. Sure, it’s Texas-centric but remove the cowboy hats and television coverage of high school athletics and the struggles and relationships can be found in any old American town. The ultimate irony is, a show which my first impressions pointed me towards believing it was a run-of-the-mill typical high school “drama” turned out to be completely incomparable to anything else on television. And a big shout-out to Buddy Garrity – one of the more uniquely entertaining characters on screen.
#6. THE OFFICE. I have to admit how close this batch of shows from #10 down to #6 really was. Some are similar, some are unique, but I love them all. The deciding factor for me was to take a breath, step back, and ask myself “How much do I look forward to seeing X”. And in the narrowest of decisions, The Office wins. While it’s hard to call an adaptation of a foreign program “Original”, The Office hit a homerun in conveying the last frontier of American Life on television: mundane cubicle white collar work. We’ve covered the changing family dynamic from “Leave it to Beaver” to “Modern Family”. We’ve done the Blue Collar thing over and over again, be it “Taxi” or “Roseanne”. We’ve been to the inner city, suburbs and tax brackets we can only dream of. But a large segment of the population works in a boring, repetitive office and “The Office” exploits the ridiculous nature of the humdrum work day in a manner that millions of Americans can relate to.
Not every boss is Michael Scott per say, with his questionable decision making and apparent intellectual defect. But most people probably think that they, like the cast, are eminently more qualified for the leadership position than their boss is. One could spend hours recapping the funniest moments of the series on an episode-by-episode basis, but that’s not what makes “The Office” great. No, what makes it great is its ability to hit home for millions of Americans across all lines: gender, orientation, race, ethnicity, education and values. If you haven’t tuned in it’s your loss.
You HAVE to see this.
Thats what she said.
#10. ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. If you want to sum up the state of the American Intellect with one fact, it’s that American Idol became a runaway ratings bonanza while Arrested Development could only muster up about 37 people a week to tune in. Luckily for me, I think I know about 23 of those 37 people. While many shows have followed suit, AD was the one of the first to abandon the laugh track and go documentary/single camera POV style. And if you go back now and watch a show with a laugh track it seems so contrived and forced, a stunning development coming just as the sitcom was saying goodbye to Friends, Frazier, Seinfeld and everything else that used to make NBC not a laughing stock.
#9. LOST. Nobody hates Lost more than the people who love it. But no show in television history has ever inspired so much chatter and speculation as this island mystery. Not it’s ancestors “Twin Peaks” or “The X-Files”. Not it’s rip-offs like “Fringe”. From the minute we saw the polar bear or heard the island monster, every scene, every character, every detail has been overanalyzed and broken down to whatever conclusion you’d prefer to assign to it. I think the defining moment of the show came off-camera. After Season 3 the network and staff decided to give the show a finite end date (Spring 2010 season) which in retrospect was absolutely brilliant. Free from concern over ratings or dangling just enough info to keep people tuning in each week or each season, the writers charted a time specific course to bring the show to it’s long awaited conclusion. Some people have been disappointed with the direction the show has taken – yet they still tune in on a weekly basis. Which means Lost is still doing its job.
#8. 30 ROCK. I’ll say it right now: Liz Lemon is the best lead female character in television history. Now that that’s out of the way, if you’re not watching 30 Rock every week, you’re living a deprived life. Every character is so integral and perfectly cast that you’re really not going to be left disappointed on a weekly basis. The satirical commentary on Fortune 100 Executive life, portrayed through Alec Baldwin’s Jack Donaghee is one of the greater signs of the times this decade. Tracy Morgan’s Tracy Jordan (do I have that right?) is possibly the funniest character on TV. Just last night he let us know that reason Catholics can’t eat meat on Friday is because the Pope owns Long John Silver. And that might not even be one of his 20 funniest moments in 4 seasons or so.
#7. FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS. The television graveyard has its share of shows that attempted to tap into the American obsession with sports. Most are forgettable, few make it past mid-season (“Coach” is the only show I can recall with some success). But FNL finally got it right. The reality of the show is, football is just a very small part of the action. However, it serves as the launching pad for everything else on the program, and in a more macro sense, in life. My first reaction to the program was great, it’s going to be 90210 with jocks and cheerleaders, thanks but I’ll pass I couldn’t have been more wrong. I’m eternally grateful that I watched beyond the first episode - where the star QB heading to Notre Dame becomes paralyzed, seemingly right out of the Official Cliché Playbook.
And while some storylines seem a tad bit over-the-top, at its absolute core, the show is a genuine tale of the American livelihood. Sure, it’s Texas-centric but remove the cowboy hats and television coverage of high school athletics and the struggles and relationships can be found in any old American town. The ultimate irony is, a show which my first impressions pointed me towards believing it was a run-of-the-mill typical high school “drama” turned out to be completely incomparable to anything else on television. And a big shout-out to Buddy Garrity – one of the more uniquely entertaining characters on screen.
#6. THE OFFICE. I have to admit how close this batch of shows from #10 down to #6 really was. Some are similar, some are unique, but I love them all. The deciding factor for me was to take a breath, step back, and ask myself “How much do I look forward to seeing X”. And in the narrowest of decisions, The Office wins. While it’s hard to call an adaptation of a foreign program “Original”, The Office hit a homerun in conveying the last frontier of American Life on television: mundane cubicle white collar work. We’ve covered the changing family dynamic from “Leave it to Beaver” to “Modern Family”. We’ve done the Blue Collar thing over and over again, be it “Taxi” or “Roseanne”. We’ve been to the inner city, suburbs and tax brackets we can only dream of. But a large segment of the population works in a boring, repetitive office and “The Office” exploits the ridiculous nature of the humdrum work day in a manner that millions of Americans can relate to.
Not every boss is Michael Scott per say, with his questionable decision making and apparent intellectual defect. But most people probably think that they, like the cast, are eminently more qualified for the leadership position than their boss is. One could spend hours recapping the funniest moments of the series on an episode-by-episode basis, but that’s not what makes “The Office” great. No, what makes it great is its ability to hit home for millions of Americans across all lines: gender, orientation, race, ethnicity, education and values. If you haven’t tuned in it’s your loss.
You HAVE to see this.
Thats what she said.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Top 20 TV Shows of the Decade: #15 - #11
#15. HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER. By reading the concept, it sounds pretty weak and lame. But catching on a weekly basis? This show is brilliant: Take your standard weekly sitcom and add the serial nature of a "quest" which seems to be all the rage these days. A slightly more realistic version of “Friends”, I admit there’s probably some bias because the main cast of characters are of the same age as me so in terms of flashbacks and experiences, I get it. Still, featuring a Canadian is always a plus, and the contributions to popular culture have been outstanding: Awesomeness, Slap Bets, Suit Up, The Hot/Crazy Scale, Woo-Girls, Legen…wait for it…Dary. Also, without HIMYM the rest of us wouldn't be aware that Canadians are afraid of the dark.
#14. CRIMINAL MINDS. Any doubts about this show were squelched with the shocking 100th Episode 2 weeks ago. Can’t quite call it original – crime procedurals have been around since TV was invented. But the subject matter and methodology separate this from the flotsam and jetsam like CSI: Dumont, NCIS and Law and Order: Building Permits Bureau Enforcement. Can’t tell you how many times someone said to me “Did you see Criminal Minds last week? It gave me nightmares”. Side note after last night: It was pretty messed up that Gideon didn’t go to the funeral.
#13. DEADWOOD. Al Swearengen might have been the best anti-hero of the decade and the first two seasons were among the best of any HBO Show. But the lackluster directionless wind down of the show left a pretty sour taste. All that being said, it’s not easy to make a Western/Frontier interesting these days. As a culture we’ve kind of outgrown it. That didn’t stop Deadwood though. Probably responsible for the greatest quote of the decade: “Won’t You Let Me Go To Hell the way I want to?”
#12. CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM. There’s two questions about my likes and dislikes that I’ve heard hundreds of times. First is “How can you love Bill Clinton and hate Hillary Clinton?” The second: “How can you hate Seinfeld and love Curb Your Enthusiasm?” The answer to both is simple: Cause I do. I don’t think I laughed as hard at a television show ever as I did when LD’s obituary for Cheryl’s “Beloved Aunt” had a typo replacing the “A” with a “C”.
#11. SCRUBS. The show that just won’t die. 2 cancellations, a few extended hiatuses, and a network switch, yet it’s still kicking and is one of the longest running shows on television now. Some of the characters can be annoying at times, but the balance between severity and hilarity is perfectly stricken. With characters like Bob Kelso, Perry Cox, and of course, Jan I Tor, rarely does Scrubs swing and miss. Not since Webster were we so graciously taught a new life lesson on a weekly basis.
#14. CRIMINAL MINDS. Any doubts about this show were squelched with the shocking 100th Episode 2 weeks ago. Can’t quite call it original – crime procedurals have been around since TV was invented. But the subject matter and methodology separate this from the flotsam and jetsam like CSI: Dumont, NCIS and Law and Order: Building Permits Bureau Enforcement. Can’t tell you how many times someone said to me “Did you see Criminal Minds last week? It gave me nightmares”. Side note after last night: It was pretty messed up that Gideon didn’t go to the funeral.
#13. DEADWOOD. Al Swearengen might have been the best anti-hero of the decade and the first two seasons were among the best of any HBO Show. But the lackluster directionless wind down of the show left a pretty sour taste. All that being said, it’s not easy to make a Western/Frontier interesting these days. As a culture we’ve kind of outgrown it. That didn’t stop Deadwood though. Probably responsible for the greatest quote of the decade: “Won’t You Let Me Go To Hell the way I want to?”
#12. CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM. There’s two questions about my likes and dislikes that I’ve heard hundreds of times. First is “How can you love Bill Clinton and hate Hillary Clinton?” The second: “How can you hate Seinfeld and love Curb Your Enthusiasm?” The answer to both is simple: Cause I do. I don’t think I laughed as hard at a television show ever as I did when LD’s obituary for Cheryl’s “Beloved Aunt” had a typo replacing the “A” with a “C”.
#11. SCRUBS. The show that just won’t die. 2 cancellations, a few extended hiatuses, and a network switch, yet it’s still kicking and is one of the longest running shows on television now. Some of the characters can be annoying at times, but the balance between severity and hilarity is perfectly stricken. With characters like Bob Kelso, Perry Cox, and of course, Jan I Tor, rarely does Scrubs swing and miss. Not since Webster were we so graciously taught a new life lesson on a weekly basis.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Top 20 TV Shows of the Decade: #20 - #16
Smell that? The Teens are rapidly approaching. Now I quickly turn the page to television in my attempt to entertain myself and mark my territory in cyberspace to remind 50 year old me what 30 year me thought of society way back when Tiger Woods was getting the snot beat out of him by his wife.
Three simple disclaimers here:
1. To qualify, a show must not have had more than 1 full season completed by June 1, 2000. (Arbitrary date close to where a majority of seasons end). So such staples as The Simpsons and Family Guy will not be listed here.
2. It’s a pox on my house but I did not complete The Wire. Everyone I know that has claims it’s one of the best shows ever, so take that for what it’s worth.
3. Reality TV doesn’t qualify. Partly because it’s contributed so greatly to the Fall of the American Empire, partly because I don’t want to go on record with how awesome I thought Newlyweds was at the time.
So with that out of the way…
#20. BOSTON PUBLIC. Yes it was over the top. Yes it was very, very bad. But it was a pioneer. Think of all the bad TV these days: Grey’s Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, 24. There’s none of that without Boston Public. Sure, it was a guilty pleasure. One week, a kid was bringing a human hand to school, the next week there was a school shooting, later a terrorist plot. All at the same Boston High School. But this Degrassi-With-A-Hotter-Teacher did just enough to keep me captivated each week. And you can’t tell me that Harvey Lipschultz wasn’t one of the best characters this decade.
#19. ENTOURAGE. One season away from dropping off the list completely as this show has become less and less stellar over time. However, it’s a testament to how good it once was that it still makes the cut. Ari Gold was one of the more fascinating and entertaining characters on TV in a long time – possibly the most enjoyable dickhead since Archie Bunker.
#18. MODERN FAMILY. While it’s only been 8 or 9 episodes so far, that’s more than enough time to declare this a home run. A unique and authentic sitcom, it’s like Roseanne minus the trailer trash. There hasn’t been a quality family-based sitcom since Roseanne it seems, and the likely reason for the high rate of failure for the family sitcoms is that there aint many families that mimic the Seavers, Keatons, or Cosbys anymore. MF doesn’t attempt to. It’s not going out on a limb to say the modern American family is diverse and hard to define, but to do so in such a hysterical but legitimate manner ain’t easy. Many have failed. This hasn’t.
#17. TRUE BLOOD. Yeah, um, I’m into a show about Vampires, Shape-shifters, Southerners, Werewolves and other freaky types. And I swear, it has very little to do with Ana Paquin’s boobs. Seriously. HBO just has a habit of hooking you in, and plus, it’s from the vision of Alan Ball, the man responsible for “Six Feet Under” and “American Beauty”. Christ, I’d trust him making a mini-series about snow shoveling in Hawaii with French subtitles.
#16. WEEDS. Much like Entourage, this hit its peak a while ago and keeps dropping, but Mary Louise Parker one of the most underrated actresses out there and the core cast of characters is one of the better ensembles currently on the tube. There’s no denying that the plots and story arcs have gotten more ludicrous and unbelievable as the seasons have gone on. However, what seems to be a recurring theme this decade is the “tragic hero” and Parker’s Nancy Botwin can hang with the best of them.
Three simple disclaimers here:
1. To qualify, a show must not have had more than 1 full season completed by June 1, 2000. (Arbitrary date close to where a majority of seasons end). So such staples as The Simpsons and Family Guy will not be listed here.
2. It’s a pox on my house but I did not complete The Wire. Everyone I know that has claims it’s one of the best shows ever, so take that for what it’s worth.
3. Reality TV doesn’t qualify. Partly because it’s contributed so greatly to the Fall of the American Empire, partly because I don’t want to go on record with how awesome I thought Newlyweds was at the time.
So with that out of the way…
#20. BOSTON PUBLIC. Yes it was over the top. Yes it was very, very bad. But it was a pioneer. Think of all the bad TV these days: Grey’s Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, 24. There’s none of that without Boston Public. Sure, it was a guilty pleasure. One week, a kid was bringing a human hand to school, the next week there was a school shooting, later a terrorist plot. All at the same Boston High School. But this Degrassi-With-A-Hotter-Teacher did just enough to keep me captivated each week. And you can’t tell me that Harvey Lipschultz wasn’t one of the best characters this decade.
#19. ENTOURAGE. One season away from dropping off the list completely as this show has become less and less stellar over time. However, it’s a testament to how good it once was that it still makes the cut. Ari Gold was one of the more fascinating and entertaining characters on TV in a long time – possibly the most enjoyable dickhead since Archie Bunker.
#18. MODERN FAMILY. While it’s only been 8 or 9 episodes so far, that’s more than enough time to declare this a home run. A unique and authentic sitcom, it’s like Roseanne minus the trailer trash. There hasn’t been a quality family-based sitcom since Roseanne it seems, and the likely reason for the high rate of failure for the family sitcoms is that there aint many families that mimic the Seavers, Keatons, or Cosbys anymore. MF doesn’t attempt to. It’s not going out on a limb to say the modern American family is diverse and hard to define, but to do so in such a hysterical but legitimate manner ain’t easy. Many have failed. This hasn’t.
#17. TRUE BLOOD. Yeah, um, I’m into a show about Vampires, Shape-shifters, Southerners, Werewolves and other freaky types. And I swear, it has very little to do with Ana Paquin’s boobs. Seriously. HBO just has a habit of hooking you in, and plus, it’s from the vision of Alan Ball, the man responsible for “Six Feet Under” and “American Beauty”. Christ, I’d trust him making a mini-series about snow shoveling in Hawaii with French subtitles.
#16. WEEDS. Much like Entourage, this hit its peak a while ago and keeps dropping, but Mary Louise Parker one of the most underrated actresses out there and the core cast of characters is one of the better ensembles currently on the tube. There’s no denying that the plots and story arcs have gotten more ludicrous and unbelievable as the seasons have gone on. However, what seems to be a recurring theme this decade is the “tragic hero” and Parker’s Nancy Botwin can hang with the best of them.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
The 15 Worst Songs of the Decade
I’m generally more negative than positive - that’s your fault society – so it would only be fair to recognize the artists that raped my ears this decade. Most, if not all of these, were widely played everywhere: in stores, commercials and even on that archaic medium I only listen to on occasion: FM Radio. Some I had to google the actual name for, some I just guessed, and admittedly, some I kind of like. But liking something does not mean it’s not miserable (White Castle comes to mind). One more note: If I knew anything that Taylor Swift sang, it would be on this list. Away we go....
(Alright, it’s technically 16 but I didn’t feel like extending to 20)
#15 A. Toxicity - System of a Down. I believe this song hit it’s peak the same time that the Stacker 2 phenomena did. That’s not a coincidence.
#15 B. Crazy – Gnarls Barkley. I remember when, I remember when this song was everywheeeeeere. And I don’t miss it.
#14. Umbrella – Rihanna. This song is a living hella, hella, hella, hella. I’m not letting Chris Brown off the hook at all, but jeez, if I had to listen to this over and over again I don’t know that I could be responsible for my actions.
#13. Thank You – Dido. Eminem sampled it in “Stan”, and that was the perfect use of it. A touch of the chorus. We don’t need to hear the rest of your whining. And your “L” is missing.
#12. Hot In Here – Nelly. I don’t know what aggravates me more: The worst pickup line in history, or the hooker that concurs.
#11. Hey Ya – Outkast. My wife LOVES this song. It’s catchy, I can admit that. Doesn’t mean it’s not god awful.
#10. Cry Me a River – Justin Timberlake. While I can totally respect how the video turned Brittney Spears from rising diva to WT Joke, there’s three things this decade had too much of: George Bush, Natural Disasters, and Justin Timberlake. Even if he was the best SNL host since Ever.
#9. Where Is The Love – Black Eyed Peas. I might be making this up but I think Timberlake was involved in this musical stool softener.
#8. Since You’ve Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson. If I had avoided the “Live Earth” concert back in 2007 I probably wouldn’t even know this song. But they strategically placed this talentless bum in between Kanye West (who my wife wanted to see) and Dave Matthews Band (why I was there). And I’ve heard the song a million times since. Kurt Cobain’s dead. This woman sings on. Life aint fair at all.
#7. Your Body is a Wonderland – John Mayer. Melt all the teenage girls you want to John, but this is the most pathetic tripe tossed a woman’s way since Oz said “Suck Me, Beautiful” to that college chick.
#6. Before He Cheats – Carrie Underwood. To find out the name (and artist) of this song I googles “Lyrics + Key + Four Wheel Drive + Smash + Louisville Slugger”. Seriously folks, that aint cool at all. Imagine if some hillbilly like Tim McGraw wrote a song about his revenge on a cheating girlfriend that involved skinning her cat?
#5.Yellow – Coldplay. Take 2 parts cheese, 1 part whining, a dash of acoustic guitar and add piss-poor lyrics to taste, and you have Coldplay’s breakthrough single. I once read somebody compare these dudes to U2. That’s fine, if you don't mind me comparing my basketball abilities to LeBron James just because I'm from North America too.
#4. You’re Beautiful – James Blunt. Now take the worst parts of “Yellow”, line them up with “Your Body is a Wonderland, reduce it to its lowest common denominator and you have this abomination. Enough to make you hemorrhage from your ear drums. A good way to keep deer out of your yard though.
#3. Single Ladies – Beyonce. A moment of silence for Aretha Franklin. No longer is “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” the staple song at weddings and karaoke bars for the single, desperate and dejected. It was a hell of a run Aretha, but it’s time to pass the crown to Mrs. Z. The many bridesmaids over the years who brought their gay friend or coworker to weddings thank you for your years of service.
#2. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue – Toby Keith. “Time” just wrote a very long, 5 page cover story on everything that was wrong with this decade. They could have saved a tree and summed it up in two words: Toby Keith. Some people enlisted. Some gave blood. Some devoted their resources to finding renewable resources. Toby Keith was so outraged by what those Iraqis did on 9/11 that he wrote a song. I didn’t think the national discourse could be lowered after “Smoke’em outta their holes…dead or alive”. Well, that was before I heard “We’ll stick a boot in your ass, it’s the American Way”. FUTK.
#1. Hey There Delilah – The Plain White T’s. I follow congress pretty closely, but I admit, I missed that law they passed a few years ago that said if you were a girl between the ages of 15 and 25 that this had to be the profile song on your myspace page.
Easiest way to get me to hate your tune is to put it in a GAP commercial. But when that only accounts for 3% of the times I hear it, the blood starts to boil. Say this about James Blunt and Coldplay – they can squeal, but at least they know how to squeal. The screeching, scathing whines are brought to new heights by these song-molesters. And it’s now stuck in my head. Ooooooooooooooooooooh what you dooooooooooo to meeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Put me out of my misery.
(Alright, it’s technically 16 but I didn’t feel like extending to 20)
#15 A. Toxicity - System of a Down. I believe this song hit it’s peak the same time that the Stacker 2 phenomena did. That’s not a coincidence.
#15 B. Crazy – Gnarls Barkley. I remember when, I remember when this song was everywheeeeeere. And I don’t miss it.
#14. Umbrella – Rihanna. This song is a living hella, hella, hella, hella. I’m not letting Chris Brown off the hook at all, but jeez, if I had to listen to this over and over again I don’t know that I could be responsible for my actions.
#13. Thank You – Dido. Eminem sampled it in “Stan”, and that was the perfect use of it. A touch of the chorus. We don’t need to hear the rest of your whining. And your “L” is missing.
#12. Hot In Here – Nelly. I don’t know what aggravates me more: The worst pickup line in history, or the hooker that concurs.
#11. Hey Ya – Outkast. My wife LOVES this song. It’s catchy, I can admit that. Doesn’t mean it’s not god awful.
#10. Cry Me a River – Justin Timberlake. While I can totally respect how the video turned Brittney Spears from rising diva to WT Joke, there’s three things this decade had too much of: George Bush, Natural Disasters, and Justin Timberlake. Even if he was the best SNL host since Ever.
#9. Where Is The Love – Black Eyed Peas. I might be making this up but I think Timberlake was involved in this musical stool softener.
#8. Since You’ve Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson. If I had avoided the “Live Earth” concert back in 2007 I probably wouldn’t even know this song. But they strategically placed this talentless bum in between Kanye West (who my wife wanted to see) and Dave Matthews Band (why I was there). And I’ve heard the song a million times since. Kurt Cobain’s dead. This woman sings on. Life aint fair at all.
#7. Your Body is a Wonderland – John Mayer. Melt all the teenage girls you want to John, but this is the most pathetic tripe tossed a woman’s way since Oz said “Suck Me, Beautiful” to that college chick.
#6. Before He Cheats – Carrie Underwood. To find out the name (and artist) of this song I googles “Lyrics + Key + Four Wheel Drive + Smash + Louisville Slugger”. Seriously folks, that aint cool at all. Imagine if some hillbilly like Tim McGraw wrote a song about his revenge on a cheating girlfriend that involved skinning her cat?
#5.Yellow – Coldplay. Take 2 parts cheese, 1 part whining, a dash of acoustic guitar and add piss-poor lyrics to taste, and you have Coldplay’s breakthrough single. I once read somebody compare these dudes to U2. That’s fine, if you don't mind me comparing my basketball abilities to LeBron James just because I'm from North America too.
#4. You’re Beautiful – James Blunt. Now take the worst parts of “Yellow”, line them up with “Your Body is a Wonderland, reduce it to its lowest common denominator and you have this abomination. Enough to make you hemorrhage from your ear drums. A good way to keep deer out of your yard though.
#3. Single Ladies – Beyonce. A moment of silence for Aretha Franklin. No longer is “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” the staple song at weddings and karaoke bars for the single, desperate and dejected. It was a hell of a run Aretha, but it’s time to pass the crown to Mrs. Z. The many bridesmaids over the years who brought their gay friend or coworker to weddings thank you for your years of service.
#2. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue – Toby Keith. “Time” just wrote a very long, 5 page cover story on everything that was wrong with this decade. They could have saved a tree and summed it up in two words: Toby Keith. Some people enlisted. Some gave blood. Some devoted their resources to finding renewable resources. Toby Keith was so outraged by what those Iraqis did on 9/11 that he wrote a song. I didn’t think the national discourse could be lowered after “Smoke’em outta their holes…dead or alive”. Well, that was before I heard “We’ll stick a boot in your ass, it’s the American Way”. FUTK.
#1. Hey There Delilah – The Plain White T’s. I follow congress pretty closely, but I admit, I missed that law they passed a few years ago that said if you were a girl between the ages of 15 and 25 that this had to be the profile song on your myspace page.
Easiest way to get me to hate your tune is to put it in a GAP commercial. But when that only accounts for 3% of the times I hear it, the blood starts to boil. Say this about James Blunt and Coldplay – they can squeal, but at least they know how to squeal. The screeching, scathing whines are brought to new heights by these song-molesters. And it’s now stuck in my head. Ooooooooooooooooooooh what you dooooooooooo to meeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Put me out of my misery.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
