The Scale of Pretension

A rather enjoyable hillbilly once sang "I ain't big on social graces". I tend to live by that. I can't stand certain societal practices, especially anything that can be traced back to the Victorian era. I don't know if that's where the idea of a three-forked table setting where I'm supposed to start on the outside and work myself in originated or not, but nonsense like that just fills up what I assume is a finite capacity for knowledge. Remember your table-setting etiquette, forget how to change a tire. Or something like that.

I'm also not big on "Bless You". I think well-wishes and blessings should be reserved for severe illnesses and hardships, not allergies. And can we all agree buttoning the top button on dress shirts is not needed? It's awkward and uncomfortable, and it if everybody refused to do it, then it wouldn't look "sloppy". Don't believe me? Look at how every man under the age of 30 all of a sudden decided not to comb their hair anymore. It's no longer trashy looking, but rather the norm. 

I don't mean to be rude and I certainly appreciate the value of being polite. If your invited to somebody's house, you bring them food or drink. Excuse yourself when you burp. Or fart. I've never really seen an old lady struggle to cross the road, but if I did, I'd like to believe I'd help her. Though I ask, what makes crossing the street at a red light any more difficult than navigating a sidewalk with other pedestrians, pets, or bicyclists? Don't bore people. You want to hear about my fantasy football team as much as I want to hear about your kid's art project.

Then there's Pretentiousness. It's something that we're all guilty of. Sometimes we can't help it. Nobody's really immune to being being pretentious. Certainly not me. But if I can channel my inner Emily Post, maybe I can make a contribution to society by laying the groundwork for a Universal Scale of Pretension. (Which yeah, the irony of such a statement is not lost on me, thanks for asking).

For what it's worth, the context is not necessarily that one enjoys these items, activities or beliefs, it's that when one openly and/or frequently discusses them that they warrant consideration on the list. 

1.0 The Flight of the Conchords. Ever get into a conversation with someone who watches this show? Then you tell them that you gave it a chance but it didn't really do it for you? They look at you as if you'd be better of spending your time playing the banjo on a dilapidated porch in Appalachia. Newsflash: This Show Sucks. Freaks and Geeks may also be substituted. 


2.0 Cause Ribbons. I can appreciate - to a degree - somebody who literally dons a legitimate ribbon. Your still probably an asshole, but I admire the effort of actually pinning the ribbon to your lapel, dress, shirt, whatever. Magnetic ones? Stickers, hats and clothing that has the image of a ribbon? Spare us all, please? "I love Children/Soldiers/Insert-Disease-Here Awareness so much that to help support/eradicate it I'm going to wear this shirt or spend $5 on a made-in-china magnet for my made-in-China car." Would that $5 not be better spent being donated to a charity for said designated issue? I thought so.

3.0 Ani DiFranco. I'm not too proud to admit I enjoy some of Ani DiFranco's work. Be you didn't know that. Know why you didn't know that? Cause I'm the one person who enjoys it that doesn't shove it down your throat and end every musical conversation with "Oh without a doubt, Ani DiFranco".

4.0 Aging Sex Symbols. Can we start treating people who talk about how sexy they find Sean Connery or Raquel Welch as what they really are: Borderline Necrophiliacs? Sure, Connery may exude a certain grace or dignity about him and all, but you know how you can cure these feelings? Get your physician drunk and ask him what an 80 year old man looks like naked.

5.0 Being Agnostic. Here's the ultimate irony about people who are agnostic: They're basically telling you they don't prescribe to any religious dogma while confirming in their statement that they in fact do. Agnosticism has gone from a theory to basically Buddhism without the rock gardens. What's wrong with the following answer: "I believe in God, I'm just not religious."

6.0 The Independent Film Channel. As soon as someone begins a sentence with "I saw this movie on IFC last night..." I immediately start thinking about what I'm going to make for dinner for the rest of the month. I'm a film buff to a degree. I like to think I have a pretty good idea of what's a good movie, what's useless junk, and what's a guilty pleasure. But I can't psych myself up for 3 hours of black and white footage of a man in a ladies' nightgown drinking table wine and smoking cigarettes while pacing across a room. In Estonian, with German subtitles.  

7.0 Your Blog. What? You think the rest of the world cares what you consider to be Pretentious?

8.0 Serving Only Hummus. It might be 2010, we all might be trying to eat a little healthier, but for crying out loud, some of us still prefer some onion dip or spreadable cheese product! I'm not saying hummus doesn't have a place on your snack table when you're entertaining guests. I know many people all of a sudden enjoy it. But some, if not most of us, still have a 2009 mentality. We like cheese with our crackers. Dips with our chips. Salsa. Spare me the chickpeas. I'll watch what I eat on my own time, it's not your job to worry about my cholesterol.

9.0 Having More than 1 CD Tower on display. Having one CD Tower says "I like to have my limited music collection easily accessible and near my home entertainment system. I have no need for an mp3 player when I only own 1G of music". Perfectly fine and normal. Having 2 or more says "Look at me! Look at how much music I have! Sure I could condense all of this into binders and books and tuck them away but then you wouldn't be able to see it!" On the same note, if you're under 40, you shouldn't even have a CD collection displayed anywhere except in a box in your closet in case your computer crashes.

10.0 White People using Chopsticks. In no way, shape, or form are chopsticks more utilitarian or easier than the standard fork, knife and spoon. None at all. People love to show it off as if they've won some culinary decathlon. In reality, it's the dining equivalent of being able to make fart noises with your armpits. You look like an ass and it's a useless skill.

Rage For The Machine

I'm one of those fortunate 3 million Cablevision subscribers who's had the honor and privilege of getting caught in the middle of a pissing contest between two little pricks, Rupert Murdoch of News Corp. and Charles Dolan of Cablevision. Going on a week now, I've lost the freedom to watch 2 NFL Games (one of which was the Giants) and all five games of the National League Championship Series, not to mention a ton of useless juvenile programs like Glee and the possibility of seeing local news anchor Ernie Anastos telling folks to enjoy bestiality. Not that I ever watch Glee or any brand - be it local or national - of Fox News. But damnit I pay for the right to do so if I so chose. Almost $200 a month.

Truth be told, I'm pretty friggin livid at the whole situation. I know the "easy" answer is "Well you can go get DirecTv" and be all set. And that's true. However, not only is that rewarding Fox (whom I actually tend to blame a little more in this situation), but it's also forcing unnecessary inconveniences down my throat, be it locking into a long term contract with a company with a reputation for miserable customer service, or drilling holes in my roof, or placing an unsightly satellite dish on the log cabin that I live in, or taking time off from work to schedule service, installation and all that fun stuff that falls within a customer friendly 12 hour window. Just because a couple of billionaires are fighting over each others' millions, I have to be put out? F that.

All in all this just another version of the regular guy taking it on the chin from corporations, a glorious American tradition. I realize that puts me in the corner of about 75% of Americans who are fed up and have had it up to here with the fat cats, corporatists, and other powers that shit on our lives and leave us holding the pooper scooper. America right now is a nation of angry bastards. And not for nothing, we've got every right to be.

But here's the problem: By and large they're backing the same goddamn assholes who are making their lives miserable. It's no secret that in the coming weeks, our government is facing a radical takeover. Fueled by "Tea Parties", the Republican party's on the verge of taking over the House, and at the very least, cutting deeply into the Democrats' once solid majority in the Senate. I shed no tear for the unfortunately large sample of D's that have compromised their principles or sold out to the lobbies and special interests that have in turn soiled their brand and derailed an agenda that was more successful than any other electoral campaign in a generation just 2 short years ago.

Nor does my heart break for President Obama, who spent about 75% of his time in office trying to work with people who don't like him, think he's a Muslim and don't believe he was born in the United States. Could you imagine if George W Bush devoted such time and effort to the working class? Or science? Sorry Barry, tens of millions of young people and first time voters came out in 2008 because they wanted change. Not Bush Light.

The Democratic Culpability however is small potatoes compared to the pending surge of lunatics poised to be sworn in next January. The whole notion of these Tea Parties is both inherently flawed in their representation, and contradictory in what they stand for:

• Disguised as a people's uprising, what's consistently missed in their mainstream media portrayal is that they were organized and funded by the same corporate lobbyists that they pretend to so firmly against.
• Despite claims that their foundation lies in deficit reduction, per a NYT/CBS poll, 57% hold George W Bush in a favorable light, the complete opposite of how us civilians feel about him. And we all know how Dubya felt about deficits.
• They appear to hate big government but they insist that the President better keep his government hands off their medicare.
• The Teabaggers love them some liberty. As long as you're straight. 
• Worst of all, most of these stooges think that Obama raised their taxes!

Also, let's not act like this was some organic people's movement that arose from bailouts and healthcare spending. This was brewing since the moment it became obvious that Obama was going to be President. I can't help but think of an encounter I had in the parking lot of my local pharmacy with an older white woman, say, maybe 65 years old. The car I had at the time had a "New Jersey for Obama" sticker on it, and as I was walking out of it, she approached me. Let's call her "Crusty Old White Bitch". The conversation went like this:

COWB: What does Obama stand for? 
ME: A welcome change domestically and abroad for starters. Economically he says..
COWB: (Cutting me off) What does Change Mean?
ME: In what regard do you want to know? Economics? Health Care? Iraq? Afghanistan? Education? 
COWB: He's no good
ME: Excuse Me? As opposed to the asshole in office now?
COWB: He'll raise your taxes
ME: Yes, if I'm fortunate to somehow make 250G next year, he will. But I don't think that's happening. 
COWB: No, that's a lie. He'll raise all of our taxes
ME: Thats a lie? How many troops did Bush kill with his lies about Weapons of Mass Destruction?
COWB: Your wrong 
ME: Fuck you.

I could go on and on about the inaccuracies in their foundations and beliefs, or talk about how they're basically a sheetless Klan, but that's not the point and what's been done, or is about to be done can't be changed. What we need to think about is why working class Americans appear to have the same psychology of battered spouses. Kick the shit out of us, we like it and we want more. That's the basic message of the Tea Party.

They want a return to the same rules and regulations that allowed corporate America, foreign interests, defense contractors and Big Religion to run rampant over America since 1981. This recession must not have been deep enough. The disparity of wealth must not be wide enough. Wall Street must not be rogue enough. Let's give our corporations even more power over us. 

And I'll still have no reasonable recourse against Fox and Cablevision. 












 

Eddie "Sez": Do The Right Thing Yanks

Tough season in Yankeeland. We lost long time Public Address announcer Bob Sheppard- the Voice of God who only happened to introduce every Yankee Great (and not so great) from the Mantle/DiMaggio era through the Jeter days. Immediately following Mr. Sheppard, George M. Steinbrenner III - he who's made all of this possible - passed away as well. For good measure, a few weeks later Ralph Houk, immortalized by the dude who played D-Day in Animal House in 61* also died. After the extravagant memorials and remembrances for Sheppard and the Boss, the Yanks really had no choice but to throw a black armband on the sleeve for Houk. (But where was the love for Oscar Azocar?)

And just this week, while the pinstripes are trying to figure out how to hit Cliff Lee (or hit anything for that matter) as their World Series title defense is about to come to an untimely end if things don't turn around quickly, we learn of the passing of Freddy Schuman, better known across Yankees Universe (and anyone that's ever seen the "Jump Around" video) as "Freddy Sez". 

Each death impacted the franchise and fans in it's own way. None was easier to absorb than any other (OK, sorry, I can't keep pretending Houk's was the equivalent of the other men, armband or no armband). But there's something about Freddy's passing that touched me, and many others. 

We heard Sheppard. His voice was comforting. It brought us back to our earliest visits to The Stadium, a stadium that doesn't exist anymore. 

We appreciated Steinbrenner. Depending on your age, you either marveled at his transformation from tyrant to patriarch, or you've only known him as the latter. 

But we knew Freddy. Everybody's got a story about "banging Freddy's pan", meeting Freddy in the upper deck, taking a picture with him, or countless other types of memories. I myself have more than I can count at the moment. Freddy was us. Devoted. Knowledgeable. Determined.

It's no secret that over past decade and a half, the Yankees have grown into a global empire: a corporate beast that prints money and fields a competitive, championship caliber team year in and year out. For the most part, we accept it and we like it. If you're over 30 years old, you remember a much bleaker time - the Stump Merrill Days of Andy Hawkins and Wayne Tolleson and a whole bunch of mismatched parts fighting to win 70 games. You much prefer the Empire. 

The trade-off though lies in what we sacrifice. The Old Stadium, where in 1996, you could drive up the day of the game and purchase a Main Outfield seat for $18 has been replaced by an extravagant, magnificent Taj Mahal across the street, where $18 doesn't even get you a parking spot six blocks away. Unless you're doing extremely well for yourself, you're not sitting too close to the action. More than likely, you need a Sherpa to bring you to your seats. A generation of kids from working class families have no shot to watch batting practice and collect autographs, as I did from the likes of Joel Skinner and Mike Pagliarulo. (And David Cone but jeez, looking back I was probably too old to be doing that).

I love the new Stadium. It's fascinating. I think it's an architectural achievement. I think it does a fantastic job blending tradition and modernity. I think it's a welcome escape from the 15 or so new ballparks with generic green walls and seats that tried to replicate Camden Yards and in the process made the retro-park a more aesthetically pleasing version of the 70's dual-use cookie cutter. But it's not my stadium. This stadium, and all that it offers, belongs to the fat cats. 

And that's why  Freddy was so important in these first two seasons of the new joint. Freddy was ours. Our spiritual leader. Our icon. Our memories. Most of all, he knew no income limitations. As Freddy himself said on his own website, "The first three innings I start in the Upper Deck because the fans are so enthusiastic up there."

For Game 3 of the 2010 American League Championship Series - the first home game since Freddy passed away, the Yankees honored him by displaying his pan & spoon, and observing a moment of silence before the first pitch. True class from an organization that is rarely anything but. However, the franchise should take it one step further. Freddy "Sez" Schuman should be honored with a plaque in Monument Park, as a tribute to not only his devotion and loyalty, but as a tribute to all Yankee fans, whom without our financial support and emotional investment, the Yankees would not exist. George Steinbrenner himself had said so on many occasions.

Make no mistake: It doesn't cheapen the legacy of any of the great men in Monument Park if the Yankees do right by Mr. Schuman and dedicate a plaque to him. Aside from the men who have taken the field in pinstripes, there are dedications to Mr. Sheppard, Steinbrenner, owner Jacob Rupert, and broadcaster Mel Allen. 

On top of that, three Popes who have said Mass at all three incarnations of The Stadium are memorialized. 

What's one more Spiritual Leader?

The Legacy of "Freddy Sez" should die with this current generation of fans. If the Yankees can sell a #4 T-Shirt with "S.Carter" on the back to commemorate a recent Jay-Z concert, surely they can find room in their cherished legacy to represent their greatest fan of all time.

-Ed

Let's make sure we get him 1 last ticket.