Up to the minute US Scenarios.

Here we go Yo! Here we go Yo! Just figured out the scenarios for he US to advance to the Knock Out Round of the FIFAo 2010 World Cup. All scenarios assume either a Yanks win or tie against Algeria. Also take into consideration all 3 possible outcomes of the UK/Algeria match about to kick-off. So in 3 hours, this will be reduced by 66%.

If the chart below makes your eyes hurt, you can see a full size chart right here. (Or just click on the chart below)

In a nut-shell, it looks very, very, very good for us obnoxious Americans with a win. A tie and we're going to need a lot of help, likely impossible help since we'll have a goal differential of Zero. And I didn't even bother figuring out a loss cause we'd be done:

Music Madness: Liverpool - Sweet 16

Forgive me if I'm a little disheveled this morning. I'm still coming to grips with what I will heretofore refer to as The Great Hanson Riots of 2010. I've been slacking a bit of late, but I want to make the nuns proud and follow the words of wisdom laid out by Sammy Hagar and Eddie Van Halen - Finish What Ya Started.

Today's region brings what should be a blowout on paper as the 1 seed takes on Cinderella, and a very, very intriguing 2 v 3 match up.

Confused? Here's all you need to know 
Box Score Keys: EC (Entire Collection - 3 pts), DA (Defining Album - 2), PC (Personal Connection - 2), DS (Defining Song -1), HI (Historical Impact -1)

(1) Beatles v (12) Sublime

How They Got Here:
BEATLES: def (16) Kings of Leon 9-0, (8) Wolffe tones 9-0
SUBLIME: def (5) Jimi Hendrix 5-4, (4) Johnny Cash 5-4
Box Score:
EC: Sublime is yet to win this category, which makes it even more impressive that they've advanced, as this is the most valuable one. And for the third straight time, they fail to win it. Does it mean good things ahead? ADV: BEATLES
PC: This is where the upstarts have made their noise, as I've mentioned the youthful, fun, illicit, illegal and bizarre memories set to their soundtrack. But that ends here. We're talking about the Beatles here. The one cool band my parents liked. The Babe Ruth of 101.1 CBS FM. Like most, I had a strong Beatles foundation to begin with, but going off to school, discovering each album on an individual basis, it was a whole new experience some 25, 30 years after their release. You can't just write off something like that. ADV: BEATLES
DA: This is officially in the books. Now it's just a matter of seeing if the Liverpudlians can match Dylan's 27-0 categorical start. Of the 16 teams to advance to the regional semi-finals, Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band ranks 6th among all albums. 40 oz to Freedom, though I love it so, comes in 16th. ADV: BEATLES
DS: "Hey Jude" you're number 11. If you're "Waiting for My Ruca", you'll find her at thirteen. ADV: BEATLES
HI: Like comparing Thomas Jefferson and George W. Bush. Yeah, they were both Presidents and all, but...ADV: BEATLES

The fairytale is over, it's down to the big boys now. And John, George, Paul and Ringo carry their undefeated streak into the Elite 8.

FINAL SCORE: BEATLES 9 - SUBLIME 0

(2) Led Zeppelin v (3) Pearl Jam
How They Got Here:
ZEPPELIN: Def (15) Raconteurs 9-0, (10) Willie Nelson 9-0
PEARL JAM: Def (14) Radiohead 9-0, (6) Rolling Stones 8-1
Box Score:
EC: What a battle of heavyweights we have going on right now. With the release of Backspacer, Pearl Jam has expanded their resume into some rarefied air. 9 albums. 18 years. Many classics among them. Most impressive, in my opinion, is that they're best 5 consist of their first 3 and last 2. Could it be that I was into other things in the middle? Maybe. Zeppelin likewise has 9 major releases to their name. And maybe it's because of the aforementioned middle-gap with Pearl Jam, but I have to declare this one to be property of Led Zeppelin. ADV: LZ
DA: On that chart I just mentioned, Zeppelin's Houses of the Holy comes in at a very respectable #9. That's eight spots behind Ten. You can do the math on that one. ADV: PJ
DS: I felt there was no choice but to name "Stairway" the defining Zeppelin songs. Some artists, I can make the choice. Sometimes, the choice makes itself despite what I may think. Bob Dylan's "Like a Rolling Stone" may be his most popular tune, but it's not the song that the masses define him by. The only other comp I can come with here is the relationship between Lynrd Skynrd and "Free Bird". I may prefer "Going to California" or "The Immigrant Song" personally, but "Stairway" it is, and that's ranked #10. Regardless of which song I went with though, it wasn't touching the fabled sheets of empty canvas. ADV: PJ 
HI: Hitting the homestretch at a 3-3 tie, could one expect any less? I struggled with this one and here's why: I grew up with the notion that Led Zeppelin was already classic rock. By the time I was buying music on my own, they were done making it, about 18 years after their debut. However, now we're 18 years into Pearl Jam's popular existence. Is it not time that they enter the same pantheon? I think it is. But some states of mind are impossible to exit. I still view the two in completely different ways. Maybe I'm holding on to the idea of youth, but I have to call this one for Zep. ADV: LZ 
PC: My favorite category. And I've probably made it clear already. I'll explain more in the Elite Eight how strong the bond is as they go head-to-head with the Undefeated Beatles - a connection match up that I have no idea how it may shake out. But Pearl Jam's going to be a tough beat in this category. For all comers. ADV: PJ 
FINAL SCORE: PEARL JAM 5 - LED ZEPPELIN 4 

REMAINING SCHEDULE
Charlottesville Sweet 16
(1) Dave Matthews Band v (5) Billy Joel
(2) The Doors v (3) Pink Floyd
San Francisco Sweet 16
(1) Grateful Dead v (4) Bob Marley
(2) Bruce Springsteen v (3) Simon & Garfunkel
The Village Regional Final
(1) Bob Dylan v (2) Guns N Roses
Liverpool Regional Final
(1) Beatles v (3) Pearl Jam.

  

World Cup 2010: The (Un-PC) Rooting Scale

The more I read, the more it seems that it's highly unlikely the Yanks are going to take South Africa by storm and emerge victorious. Call it American Hubris, this idea that we the people are entitled to the Cup, when the reality is, all we've won since Japan surrendered was the Miracle on Ice in 1980 and the Coolest Invention Ever with the iPod. So in the event that The Star Spangled Banner isn't played at the conclusion of the World Cup Final (Do they do that? Or is it Olympics only), I've concocted a list of all 32 teams ranked in the order in which I'd like to see them win. It's not quite sensitive to all cultures and history, but whatever, we're grown men here, right? Feel free to adopt this as your own guide to who to cheer on and who to dismiss...


(and yes, almost all cultural references and statistics are courtesy of wikipedia)


1. The United States. Yeah, a rather obvious one but I gotta admit, it would make a great story and we could use one right now.
2. Mexico. Solely because it would drive the Teabaggers and the entire state of Arizona absolutely crazy. Also, rich people would have to watch their own kids and water their own lawns for a week. I'd like to see that.
3. The Netherlands. They settled New  York. But more importantly: The Netherlands is one of the most secular countries in Western Europe, with only 39% being religiously affiliated (31% for those aged under 35), and fewer than 20% visiting church regularly. I want to go to there. And the cool thing is, they're intolerant of all religions. Not like the phony left in America that only wants to take on the Christian Establishment.
4. South Africa. I think it's fantastic that the event takes place on the continent of Africa. So might as well root root root for the home team. Not that me rooting for Bafana Bafana makes up for the extension of Apartheid at the hands of Ronald Reagan, but it's an olive branch. Also, I look forward to Invictus II: We Got Game.
5. Ivory Coast. They fly the Irish Flag.
6. North Korea. Too bad Iran didn't qualify because an Iran vs. North Korea final would be just enough to have the House Minority leader in the US draft a constitutional amendment banning soccer in the US. But I'll settle for a NK win and the inevitable batshit crazy reaction of Kim Shady.
7. Australia. Do if for Claire! And the rest of Oceanic 815.
8. Nigeria. Imperialized by the British. Go Africa.
9. Cameroon. Imperialized by the French, treated better than the Nigerians were. Go Africa.
10. Denmark. I love Scandinavia. Without them, there's no Minnesota. And Minnesotans are the closest thing we have to Canadians.
11. Chile. Comparatively speaking, there's no drama in Chile. Things have been relatively quiet since the Pinochet era. I applaud them for that.
12. Slovenia. Talk about a well-played hand. They saw Hurricane Milošević coming a mile away and they got the F outta Dodge. That's all I know about that.
13. Ghana.  White Guilt strikes again. The last time I have to type "Go Africa" on this list.
14. New Zealand. While I didn't much care for the Lord of the Rings I don't hold it against New Zealanders.
15. Greece. No truth to the rumor that the official logo on their uniforms will be a canary in a coal mine.
16. Uruguay. A very left leaning country without the stigma or lunacy of a Hugo Chavez. I can get with that.
17. South Korea. Learning to Fly.
18. Slovakia. Totally got the short end of the stick on the dismantling of Czechoslovakia. At least in terms of perception.
19. Algeria. The pros: Booted the French. The cons: Extremely religious country. Still technically Africa though. Well, more than technically.
20. Honduras. Ever notice that Americans refer to all Central Americans as "Guatemalans"? Here's proof that there's other nations in Central America.
21. Spain. Never forget the Spanish Inquisition. Side note: a relative told me that she caught a segment on that crazy Catholic channel, EWTN, where the flying nun was pretty much denying the Inquisition took place. Right. And the fact that the Pope covered up a child sex ring is just some New York Times conspiracy. Still, I love me some Spanish food.
22. Paraguay. So they don't have the Inquisition. They still have a wacky religious right controlling their congress.
23. Portugal. They make good rolls, I'll give them that. Other than that, they don't share enough of the blame for their imperialism, even if they were basically relegated to the scraps of England, France and Spain.
24. Argentina. Just think of all those former officers of the Third Reich celebrating Argentina's World Cup Wins in 1978 and 1986. I'm sure there's not as many now, but still. There might be some. Also, I'm not as familiar with Juan Peron and his wife as I should be, but I hold that against them. If for nothing else than that deplorable Madonna movie.
25. Switzerland. Two historical facts that are really false: George Bush won the 2000 Election, and Switzerland is Neutral. Yes, they shot down a couple of Luftwaffe planes that invaded their airspace. While they were underwriting and financing the Nazis. Furthermore, "Privacy of Swiss Banking Laws" is just a fancy way of saying "A legal way for the ruling classes to bend you over". Yay on Cheese, Nay on neutrality. 
26. Italy. Alright, technically Vatican City is it's own entity. And technically not all Jersey Shore douchebags are of Italian descent. But rooting against Italy gives me a chance to root against two large segments of the population that cause me massive heartburn. 
27. Serbia. Two words: Slobodan Milošević
28: Japan. Three Words: Bataan Death March. Even after "The Pacific", Japan fails to take it's fair share of blame for WWII and acknowledgement of it's atrocities.
29. Germany. Then again... 
30. Brazil. I've got nothing against Brazil. Other than the fact that they've won 2 of the 4 World Cups I've watched, and were in 3 of the finals. I guess this is why people hate the Yankees.
31. England. Oh, where to begin? We can start with the fabrication that is The Royal Family, and the useless infatuation that useless people have with it. I can play the "I'm Irish Card". I can play the "I'm American Card". I can play the "The only thing more pathetic than your leader being George Bush is your leader being George Bush's lapdog Card". I can play the "Simon Cowell Card". But I won't. I'll kindly say "Thank you for the Beatles" and move on.
32. France. F*ck you Thierry Henry and F*ck your uncalled handball you f*cking thief.

Music Madness: The Village - Sweet 16

It's regional finals time. Finally. Getting down to the nitty gritty and the developing story in this region is simple: Can anybody put a chink in Bob Dylan's armor? Two matchups. 5 Categories each. In those 10 categories, nobody's come close to registering a point.

Our other matchup should be closer. Party like it's 1988 and the top selling records are New Jersey and Appetite for Destruction.

For the curious among you, all rules, criteria and regulations can be found right here.

Going to switch up the format a tad, provide a bit more background since we're down to 2 matchups in the region.

Box Score Keys: EC (Entire Collection - 3 pts), DA (Defining Album - 2), PC (Personal Connection - 2), DS (Defining Song -1), HI (Historical Impact -1)

On to the action:

(1) Bob Dylan v (5) Red Hot Chili Peppers

How They Got Here:
DYLAN: def. (16) Skid Row 9-0; (9) Jack Johnson 9-0
RHCP: def. (12) Aerosmith 8-1; (4) White Stripes 8-1

BOX SCORE:
EC: RCHP have a vast and impressive one. They're still going strong. Bob Dylan's collection is 100 times better. And he's still kicking. ADVANTAGE: DYLAN
DA: Of the remaining 16, Dylan's Blood on the Tracks ranks 3. Blood Sugar Sex Magik is 13. ADV: DYLAN
PC: I haven't ranked these 1-16 yet, partially because I don't want to ruin my own personal suspense, but also because I think more than any other category, this needs to be a direct Head to Head. I have many memories shared with the Peppers contributions to my life's soundtrack. The summer of 2006 was underwritten by "Snow". But being "into Dylan" is life defining. I can't say that I look down upon people who don't get Bob Dylan. Unless they also profess to love music. Then it's inexplicable. Being into Bob Dylan is part of one's character. It doesn't get more personal than that. ADV: DYLAN
DS: "Hurricane" ranks #3. "Under the Bridge" #16. Not even close. ADV: DYLAN
HI: Does not even need to be discussed. ADV: DYLAN

FINAL SCORE: BOB DYLAN 9 - RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS 0

(2) Guns N Roses v (3) Bon Jovi

How They Got Here:
GNR: def (15) Weezer 9-0; (7) Stevie Wonder 5-4
JOVI: def (14) Counting Crows 9-0; (11) Metallica 7-2
 
BOX SCORE:
EC: No real room for debate here, unless you were to argue that proportionately, the Guns' is better. And if not for most of Use Your Illusions I  and The Spaghetti Incident and technically, Chinese Democracy, that might be the case. But the Jersey boys have been cutting quality work for almost 30 years now. Wow. 30 fucking years. That's longer than the Beatles work had existed when I first got into them. ADV: BON JOVI
DA: Slippery When Wet was the first album I ever loved. I had three albums before that: Thriller, Born in the USA, and A Different Light. (Use the google for that one). But Slippery was the first one I truly got into. I remember coming home in 4th grade and putting the record (yes, vinyl) on and listening to it all the way through. But about 2 years later, there was Appetite For Destruction. I remember being amazed that you could say "Fuck" in a song. There was something so rebellious about the album at the time. Just as I was coming into my own. Just as I was beginning to define myself and formulating my own opinions. I still listen to both of the albums. Slippery is nostalgic. Appetite still resonates today. Slippery is #8 of all remaining albums. Appetite is 3. ADV: GNR
PC: Much like what I said about Dylan, there's a special class of us who still revere the Guns some 25 years later. Don't matter that Axl's batshit crazy. Don't matter that we're never seeing a reunion. Don't matter that Slash is becoming a bigger pitchman than Billy Mays. There's a sum of 3 albums for the Guns: All of Appetite, all of Illusions II, 1/2 of Illusions I and side B of Lies. If you've been listening to them for the last quarter century, it's impacted you.
Bon Jovi's done the same. When you're from Jersey, you feel a certain ownership of Bon Jovi. Like Springsteen, "The Sopranos", Diners and Joe Piscopo. Interesting (not really) trivia: I danced with my wife to "Never Say Goodbye" at our 8th Grade Graduation Dance, our Senior Prom, and our Wedding. And it was a "focal" song at all three. Not some generic "Chicken Dance". That's not some random occurrance. That's staying power. That's a contribution to my life, to our lives. That is a personal connection. But it's a different connection. Bon Jovi is where you're from. Guns N Roses is who you are. ADV: GNR
HI: Guns N Roses needs 1 more point to move to the Elite Eight. They won't find it here. Their moment was fleeting, while Bon Jovi carries on. They've seen a million faces. And they've rocked them all. ADV: BON JOVI
DS: So it comes down to the defining song. One fluke category for the right to call yourself a "VILLAGE REGIONAL FINALIST IN A MAKE BELIEVE TOURNAMENT OF ONE MAN'S 64 FAVORITE MUSICIANS". Can you feel the pressure building? The tension? The drama? "Living on a Prayer" checks in at number 8. "Estranged" checks in at number 5. And that might be an insult to it. ADV: GNR 
 
A very close matchup. Probably the closest yet. But we keep to seed here. Bob Dylan, "Welcome to the Jungle". 
 
FINAL SCORE: GUNS N ROSES 5 - BON JOVI 4.