The 10 Worst Movies Of The Decade

I've wasted many an hour this decade. The hours spent watching these were tedious and painful, so let Internet History record that I was most displeased by these productions.

#10. RADIO. Yeah, I got sucked in to the cliche premise. A retarded African-American gets a special place on a Southern white football team. Don't know why I expected "A Time To Kill" but this useless waste of time was 100% pure trash. Cuba Gooding's "Radio" character wasn't even good enough to make fun of like Rainman or Corky or the thing from "Mask".

#9. THE LORD OF THE RINGS: FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING. Christ, I tried. I tried twice to get into this 3 hour critically acclaimed abomination. Yes, I'm a Star Wars junky. No, this is nothing like Star Wars at all. Men on horses, quasi-midgets with big feet, ghosts, mountains, waterfalls. Thats all I took from it. I don't care how good you claim the sequels were, I gave 6 hours to this and it couldn't reel me in. It's not you, it's me. No, that's a lie.

#8. MICHAEL CLAYTON. Here's where I feel like I'm missing something. The premise, the cast, it sounded interesting. The reviews were nothing short of stellar. But while watching it, I was longing for past experiences like teenage pregnancy scares, Saturday detentions, being arrested, going to the dentist and church.

#7. DREAMCATCHER. One of these days I'll stop being roped in by "Based on the Novel by Stephen King". I took two hours out of my life to learn about how a mentally challenged boy named Dudditz knew that aliens were coming all along. Compelling shit.

#6. THE HOURS. Dear Women: We're Even. Love, Ed. I don't know what experience was worse: Reading the Cliff's Notes to Virginia Wolf's "Mrs Dalloway", or watching this adaptation about 3 different women in a 125 year period impacted by the novel. The fact that I sat threw this rubbish should clearly absolve me of all past and some future use of the "C" word. Move over "Legends of the Fall", you're no longer the worst movie to ever be nominated for Best Picture.

#5. THE BREAKUP. Holy false advertising Batman! During the peak of Vince Vaughn's tolerability we had this gem, marketed as some sort of War of the Roses type anti-romantic comedy. And the first 20 minutes were just that. But then a serious drama about love and loss and heartbreak broke out. I was duped! And it wasn't even good! Even my wife, who loves a good tearjerker thought it was crap.

#4. THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. Alright, Alright, we get it. Per biblical accounts, the Romans beat the living shit out of Jesus Christ before his crucifixion. Yes, I bought into the hype and went to see it to check out what all the rage was about. What I saw was a 126 minute sadistic borderline-snuff film that wasn't even in English. And therein lies another problem. If you want to be historically acurate with the language, shouldn't Mel Gibson found an actor who looked like what Jesus likely looked like? Funny how the same people who bitch and whine about movies being too violent were taking their kids out of school to sit through this.

#3. THE BROTHERS SOLOMON. Oh good heavens. This was bad. So unbelivably bad. Walking through Blockbuster one day I saw this on the shelf and figured, hey, it might be a hidden gem. Will Forte (an integral part in SNL's mid-decade resurgence) and Will Arnet (Gob from Arrested Development) with Rip Torn thrown in for good measure. Holy shit was I wrong. This disaster set comedy back 30 years. Not a single redeeming quality, nothing worthwhile whatsoever. I'd rather be waterboarded than sit through this again.

#2. THE VILLAGE. While it was ruined for me about 6 minutes in when my wife completely figured out the entire premise of the story, that doesnt change the fact that this abomination was painful to sit through. I'd have been better off taking the $12 we spent on admission, cutting it up into tiny pieces, burning it and flushing it down the toilet. It's only contribution to humanity was making the phrase "Those We Don't Speak Of" a nice insult to family you don't want to deal witrh.

#1. I KNOW WHO KILLED ME. Wow. Somebody put this in very safe, very deep storage so anthropologists in the year 3000 can learn all they need to know about Lindsay Lohan. The only reason I picked this up at Blockbuster was because I can respect a really bad and really cheesey horror movie. It's an art, actually. I long for old slasher films like "April Fool's Day" or the "Sleepaway Camp Massacre" trilogy. Even the really bad supernatural ones like "Rumplestilskin" or "Jack Frost". But this was nothing of the sort. Filmed with a budget of about 37 dollars, it was still a waste of money. With a plot more ridiculous than the previous 9 films on this list combined, not once did it make the slightest attempt at being remotely interesting. Not once was there a hint of suspense. And not once was there anything to make you think Lohan's not ending up in cheap hardcore porn if she lives to be 35.