Another Super Bowl Sunday is in the books. It's usually the most bittersweet day on the calendar. We celebrate the culmination of another football season but mourn it's end. The minute the final whistle blows, we're as far away from more football than we can possibly be. To use a Christian analogy, it's like the mourning of Good Friday blended with the jubilation of Easter. Well, it would be, if Jesus was threatening to lock out all Christians if they didn't give him more money. Which I wouldn't put past him.
Anyway, because SBS is one of the defining events of the year, it's no surprise that it's inspired a couple of entries on this List. Surprisingly though, Christina Aguilera didn't make the List. Yeah, she F'ed up. I'm not defending her, quite the opposite, I don't care for her. But I'm not going to feed into this frenzy that she's some Anti-American flag-burning terrorist. Especially not when our President is a Muslim Socialist.
#10. Ronald Reagan's Groupies. They're hard and wet because Sunday was the Gipper's 100th Birthday. Get over it. The dude pretty much is responsible for every pile of shit on America's plate.
#9. Slash. Won't play with Axl. Will play with Fergie. Enough said.
#8. Mark Sanchez. What's the age of consent in New York to lick somebody's feet? You're a 24 year old multi-millionaire quarterback in New York City. You can have any woman from the hottest 21 year old NYU Co-Ed to the most botoxed 45 year old Cougar on the Upper East side. Instead, you start a romantic relationship with a 17 year old highschooler. I'm going to paraphrase my buddy Doc, comparing this to Lawrence Taylor's most recent run in with the law: "LT is the old mutt you want to backhand when he drops a donk on the floor. Sanchez is like the cute puppy who gets a pass. But at the end of the day, shit is still shit."
#7. Starbucks. The never ending battle of Ed vs. Starbucks continues. I don't recognize your sizing scheme where small is tall and you have made up words for medium. Sometimes, the barista will simply oblige and fulfill my order without question. I appreciate that. What I have little tolerance for is when they either try and correct me (You mean Venti?) or repeat the order back to me using their lingo (One Tall Coffee). Don't lecture me on how to order a damn cup of coffee. Also, what's with this "Barista" nonsense? How come we didn't make up a word for the minimum wage employee who prepares a Whopper? And the tip jars. Jesus, the friggin tip jars. I asked you for a black coffee that I have to put my own sugar in, not a Long Island Iced Tea.
#6. Donald Rumsfeld. The latest co-conspirator is on his make-nice tour, attempting to rewrite history. Along the way he made sure to praise Rush Limbaugh for being one of the only people willing to speak frankly about "Islamists". Note to those who seek pension reform: Maybe we can start by not giving pensions to war criminals?
#5. Phillip Dennis. Speaking of "Islamists", the founder of the Texas Tea Party says not only does he have major problems with Islam as a religion, but he's not sure if Barack Obama is a Muslim or not. And in the greatest example of Tea Party Intelligence, within the same interview, chastised Obama for attending Jeremiah Wright's CHRISTIAN church.
#4. Jane Seymor. Why is it that every time the calendar calls for me to buy a gift for my wife or my mother, I'm inundated with your commercials for your gumball-machine jewelry inspired by your goddamn finger-painting projects? Also, who the hell are you? Does Kay Jewelers really think men between the ages of 25 and 55 are going to be inspired by "Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman"? Was nobody from "Falcon Crest" available?
#3. The Huffington Post/AOL Merger. First off, I didn't know AOL was still around. Second - can you think of an example where a major media merger went down and media content became MORE progressive? Me neither.
#2. The Black Eyed Peas. Wow. What an abysmal half-time performance. As enjoyable as my facebook and twitter feeds were during their "show", nobody should ever have to sit through that type of visual and audio diarrhea. The robotic auto-tuning. The dancing snots. The vocal homicide of "Sweet Child O'Mine". The Tron-on-crack costumes. I know the NFL's responding to the backlash from last year's abysmal Who performance and how the world has been scarred by the image of Pete Townshend in skinny jeans with his 75 year old belly flab hanging out and all, but if you're trying to capture mass appeal to a younger audience, you can't do it in a way that's both "safe" AND "good".
#1. Mississippi. You can keep telling me that my image of the South is off base and it's not 1963 anymore. I'll keep referencing stuff like this:
JACKSON, Miss. – A fight is brewing in Mississippi over a proposal to issue specialty license plates honoring Confederate Gen. Nathan Bedford Forrest, who was an early leader of the Ku Klux Klan.
The Mississippi Division of Sons of Confederate Veterans wants to sponsor a series of state-issued license plates to mark the 150th anniversary of the Civil War, which it calls the "War Between the States." The group proposes a different design each year between now and 2015, with Forrest slated for 2014.
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