Timberland List Thursday: 2/3/10

The T-List is rip-roarin' and ready to go after a weather-induced absence last week that left me unable to think about anything other than snow. And wine.

#10. Ben Roethlisberger. This being Super Bowl weekend and all, it's a pretty good time to remind the public that you're a rapist.

#9. The Borgata Hotel, Atlantic City, NJ. They bill themselves as AC's only Vegas-style casino, and the Borgata is actually an impressive structure. Good casino. Good eats. Good hotel. Except for one liberty-depriving policy: A six pack limit on beer in the hotel room. I'm not making this up. Four of my friends arrived with a 12 pack and were told they could each bring one six pack, in a six pack container. Being the resourceful rock stars that we are, we were able to smuggle a couple of cases up in our luggage and all, but that's not the issue. The issue is not only this horribly puntative policy for folks just looking to have a good time, but the sheer stupidity of it from a business standpoint. If I drink 3 beers, I'm going to gamble conservatively at your tables. If I drink an unlimited quantity, I'mstill up playing your tables and slots at 7 in the morning

#8.  MTV. As if Jersey Shore isn't enough to make an upright human being cringe, now I have to hear about all this hoopla regarding some teenage soft-core porn called "Skins"? Whatever happened to "Dial MTV" or "Headbangers Ball" or "Yo! MTV Raps"? Or music videos in general for that matter. Also, I'm tired of otherwise educated people saying "I know it's horrible but I can't help enjoying it". You know who else says that? Meth Addicts.

#7. The NFL. No, this has nothing to do with the Labor Situation...yet. This entry on the List is solely for giving the Black Eyed Peas a platform this weekend.

#6. Democratic National Committee. Hosting the 2012 Convention in Charlotte? A Banking hub with non-union hotels and a Board of Ed that used the Martin Luther King Holiday as a make-up for lost snow days? Plus, you're not carrying North Carolina again. Under any circumstances. Time to stop rewarding ignorance.

#5. Pastor John Hagee. Brace yourself, as I'm about to defend Rand Paul. The Tea Party poster child announced his support for a measure that would dramatically slash foreign aid across the board. By roughly one third. Hagee, who had no problem with what that might mean for the starving children of sub-Saharan Africa, responded by saying "Cutting funding to Israel" does not align with Tea Party Principles. Excuse me, I must have missed that memo about taking from the American Poor and giving it to Benjamin Netanyahu. I thought you fucktards only wanted to redistribute the wealth to the American rich?

#4. Groundhog Day. ENOUGH. Stupid. Fucking. Holiday. For. Stupid. Fucking. People. Granted, unlike the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Jesus and the Tooth Fairy, the groundhog itself is physical and tangible. But the entire notion is about as dumb as dogshit.

#3. Hosni Mubarak. Closing Time. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

#2. Chris Christie. New Jersey's very own Jabba The Cut, who's spent the last year pissing on teachers, laborers, firefighters, police, the elderly, the poor and just about everyone else who didn't clear $250G in salary last year just gave a $261 Million hand-job to private Atlantic City developers. 

#1. The Winter. I surrender. 

Top 25 Power Ballads: #10 - #6

It's the stretch run, the Top 10. Put the women and children to sleep, we're bringing out the Big Guns this week.

Previous entries on this rundown....

#25 - #21

#20 - #16

#15 - #11

#10: SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN, Poison (1990) Don't be fooled - behind all that lipstick, makeup and hairspray is a powerful progressive message. How we treat our homeless, our veterans, our poor and our lonely best friends of Bret Michaels. At the very least it answers the question "Is there a Lord Above?". Negatory.

#9: MORE THAN WORDS, Extreme (1991) The Last Great Power Ballad ever released. Not long after this it was time to don the flannels, cut the hair and get serious. It was nice of Nuno Bettencourt and Gary Cherone to give a cameo to the useless members of the band waiving their lighters in the video. Speaking of which, with the general decline of smoking in general, that's the most unfortunate side effect - no more swaying lighters demanding an encore, or for effect during a great power ballad such as this. Yes, I know there's an ap for that now. But it's not the same.

#8: WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE, Bon Jovi (1986) As disturbing as it is, JBJ's Cowboy Fetish has produced some great music. You've got this classic. You've got "Ride Cowboy Ride", and you've got the entire Young Guns II Soundtrack. Sure, it's hard to shake the image of a 14 year old Jon prancing around his Sayerville bedroom in assless chaps and a Red Rider but at the expense of never hearing "sometimes you tell the day by the bottle that you drink"? Well worth the imagery. What I find a little pretentious however, is that when this song was written, Bon Jovi was hardly the global success that they are today. So really, the only way Jon saw "a million faces" when he wrote this was if he was collecting Turnpike Tolls that summer.

#7: FLY HIGH MICHELLE, Enuff Z'Nuff (1989) Told you I wasn't done honoring the lost art of hair bands memorializing overdosees in song. Drugs? Check. Lipstick? Check. Hair? Check. Girls? Yup. And really, can you go wrong writing about a Michelle? I can think of 3 Michelle classics off the top of my head. Enuff Z'Nuff never really took off and that's a shame, because this album and their 1990 follow up "Strength" were quality cuts. Maybe it's because they went for the "Poison on Acid" look.

#6: PATIENCE, Guns N'Roses (1989) This was hard for me to include in my countdown. I cringe to put GNR in the classification of "Hair Bands". The era lines up. The look kind of does, though there was very little glamor in their motif. But their track record and their sound is hardly comparable to Bon Jovi, Poison, or even the Crue. But Patience can loosely, very, very loosely, be categorized as a Power Ballad. And a great one at that. Is there a better vocal solo than Axl's wailing at the end of this? Is there a more iconic (and symbolic) sequence from a music video than Slash's snake? Do you not think about this tune every time you're partying in a hotel room?

It's a topic for another time, especially with the million different classifications one could pick, but I'm a firm believer that Guns N Roses was the Last Great Rock'n Roll Band.

See ya'll for the Top Five later this week.

In a Boy's Dream: The State of the Union

As I write this, I'm sure the President is hard at work, looking into a mirror and practicing thinking about the audience in their undergarments, trying to nail down his third State of the Union. I'm sure the speech will be everything the pundits and the people expect. There will be promises to work together, gentle scoldings about political discourse, the annual pledge to keep Social Security safe and the required "brave men and women in uniform" applause lines. There might be a surprise or two, but really, I fully expect this SOTU to look much like the last 2. Or the last 10, just a lot more intelligent. 

But I can dream, right? In a perfect world, wouldn't the State of the Union 2011 sound something like this?

Thank You. Thank You. Mr. Vice President, Speaker Boner, Members of Congress both old and -uggh-new, Supreme Corporate Justices, Feel-good-Barbara-Walters-story-in-the-making guests of the First Lady...the State of Our Union is Fucked. 

I was watching television Sunday Morning and the new House Majority Leader, Eric Cantor, while graciously  letting the public know that he "thinks" I'm a citizen, said it wasn't right to say those who think otherwise were "crazy". I believe Mr. Cantor said something along the lines of how it's simply not nice to call people crazy. While I'm sure that Manny Ramirez, Tom Cruise, and the folks who believe Jesus walked with dinosaurs appreciate the Majority leader's compassion, I had to ask myself, "Are you shitting me?" 

A little more than 2 years into my Presidency and you ignorant morons are still convinced I'm a Kenyan Born Muslim that spend the last 15 years of my life at the altar of a radical black separatist Christian reverend.

On top of all of that, you think I'm a Communist when my continual handouts to big business probably represent the biggest blow job in modern Presidential History. Yes Monica, even bigger than yours.

You people complain that I'm not tough enough on China when, after 8 years of your leadership, you fostered a financial environment conducive to China not only taking our jobs, but financing our mere existence, because as you know, wars don't pay for themselves. Neither do tax cuts. 

Speaking of wars, to our Brave Men and Women in Uniform (raucous applause), I'm sorry. Because I'm a Democrat, I have an uncontrollable urge to whip it out measure it. So I had to quadruple down on Afghanistan. 

Sure, I was nominated by the strongest grassroots effort in American electoral history by a bunch of educated people who believed that true national security comes in the form of energy independence and seeing to it that those in impoverished corners of the globe are fed, educated and working instead of working out sweetheart deals with their corrupt governments. 

While I agree with them in principle, the reality is too many powerful people in this country, along with an educationally-stunted-by-design majority of Americans just want to blow shit up. 

Since this is an official State of the Union Address, I'm required by the PATRIOT ACT to say the following phrase: September the Eleventh, Two Thousand One. We remember that horrible day like it was yesterday. For many of us, time has failed to heal those wounds. For those of you who answered the call that day, we care about your well-being. Just not as much as we do tax cuts for Bill Gates. 

We must never forget how we were savagely attacked by Saudi and Egyptian Nationals, and how we had no choice but to ensure that Iraq and Afghanistan got just what they deserved.

Almost a decade later, there's no end in sight to our misguided quest for revenge. Oh, and did I already mention these trillion-dollar adventures were funded by China? Even though a return to 2000's tax code would have both paid for these wars AND true health care reform?

Speaking of health care reform, much to the dismay of my party's base, I tried to listen to the opposition party and work together to find middle ground. While my proposal was not nearly as liberal as those of card-carrying Communists like Dwight Eisenhower and Richard Nixon, I thought basically copying and pasting the proposal of a moderate Socialist like Comrade Bob Dole would be a reasonable compromise. Boy was I wrong.

Never again will I underestimate the American People's desire to be a slave to an HMO. Never again will I argue against the fundamental Right To Deny Coverage Based On Pre-Existing Conditions. Upon further review of the Constitution, I now see what you're talking about: The government has absolutely no right to prevent a lunatic from owning a nuclear warhead, but how dare we say you must be insured.

While I'm in the habit of throwing in the towel, let's move to the environment. My opponent in the last election was an advocate of a cap and trade system. But that's a little too pinko radical for most of you. Especially those of you convinced that there is no climate crisis because Jesus loves the earth too much to let anything bad happen to it. So let's abandon those solar and windmill plants that not only create working class jobs, but also protect our environment AND have the added bonus of weening ourselves off of Al Qaeda's oil. Go back to buying Hummers. Class Dismissed. 

I'd like to think that this divergent opinion on how the nation should be governed was just the demented musings of an aging slice of the electorate, clinging to their outdated belief structure and unable to come to grips with the fact that their President is named Barack Hussein Obama. And maybe it is. But you know what? Those loony old white folks voted last November. The rest of you didn't.

So we turn the page to a new election cycle. Another 12 months of hearing how I'm a foreign national that worships at the altar of Marx and Lenin, while the fringe on the other side talks about Blood Libel. I could easily get the band back together, write up some pretty speeches and throw a brand new slogan about change or progress your way, but really, what's the point? Change isn't supposed to be easy, but you people want it to be. You don't have the stomach for this fight, I don't have the patience. So I will not be seeking re-election. Enjoy President Mama Grizzly. 

Thank You, Good night. And God will Bless America when America decides to stop acting like a petulant little bastard.

Beer Review #0002: Otter Creek Stovepipe Porter

OTTER CREEK STOVEPIPE PORTER

Brewer: Otter Creek Brewing (Middlebury, VT)

Type: Porter

ABV: 5.4% 

Six Pack: $7.49

I like to admit my bias upfront: I friggin LOVE Otter Creek. I've never had a bad beer from OC and just about everyone of them ranks near "Best in Class" in my mind. Which is another thing that separates me from the so-called connoisseurs, who generally don't give their work good marks.  

Having said that, the Stovepipe Porter is probably the OC brew I've drank the least. The connotations that come along with "Porter" often psyche me out: A thick, hearty concoction best drank on cold evenings to ensure a lovely warm slumber. I'm doing my best to fight off that prejudice though, because a porter is a wonderful elixir and I'm going to do my damnedest to work them into the rotation.

As noted, I'm not that big on color but for what it's worth, this poured pretty black and settled a tad bit lighter. Looked thick enough to be serious though. It's head wasn't too overbearing but just substantial enough. But again, I'm not in the business of admiring the color, I'm all about making sure the glass ends up transparent. 

 

First thing I noticed after sip numero uno was this was hoppier than I expected a Porter to be. Once again, a good thing. Me like a the Hop. Also had a bit of a chocolatey-caramel taste to it, but not so much that it was overbearing like I was drinking liquified Snickers. I dug it. 

As far as how it went down, a little bit easier than I anticipated. It was hearty enough but not to the point of "Crap, I'm full". And like many beers, each sip gulp went down easier and easier. The last sip of each glass seemed to be the sweetest. The aftertaste - a term that conjures up some pretty negative imagery - was actually quite enjoyable. Like a band of chocolate dwarves doing somersaults in my mouth.  As I moved on through the sixer, I became more and more relaxed, though not drowsy.

As noted, I'm hardly a Porter expert so I really don't have too many points of comparison, at least not recent ones, but I'll absolutely recommend this to anybody who may share my occasional reservations about Porters. It seems it's smack in the middle of the spectrum of Porters in terms of ABV, so it's neither too weak or too debilitating. And there's certainly nothing wrong with the taste. Once again, The Creek delivers.

My final report card (numbered stats on a scale of 1-10): 

Bang For The Buck: 5. Middle of the road, though about 50 cents cheaper than other porters.

Taste: 7. Erring on the side of caution, as I can't compare it to the Porter field. But I enjoyed it. 

Drinkability: 8. Which is probably a very high mark for it's class. 

1 Makes You Feel: Content

3 Make You Feel: Reflective

6 Make You Feel: Like putting your arm around a shorter man and telling him that he's the shit, and then listing all the reasons why. 

Ideal Musical Companion: Johnny Cash's American IV: The Man Comes Around. Lotta good introspective tracks, though you'll be more inclined to cry during Danny Boy.

Ideal Cheeseburger: Shared plate of Sliders, with a sharp cheese like cheddar or Swiss. The beer is somewhat filling, a 900 calorie monster burger might be enough to lull you to sleep.

If this beer was an athlete, it'd be: David Ortiz. You might be intimidated by the appearance, and if you get stupid, you'll end up in trouble. But don't be scared, it's actually quite easy to handle.

Top 25 Power Ballads: #15 - 11

We're at the half-way point of the countdown. Usually the time where I start thinking what's the next useless waste of time countdown I'll come up with in my own head and spend way too many hours debating. But for the most part, we're moving onto the legendary stage of the list. Rock on.

If you need a refresher:

#25 - #21

#20 - #16

#15: THE BALLAD OF JAYNE, L.A. Guns (1990) Oh hair bands singing about untimely death. I admit, I'm a sucker for them. This ain't the first on the countdown, and it's not the last. The saddest part about this song though isn't the story being told, but rather how Tracii Guns became the 1980's version of Pete Best to Slash's Ringo. I don't watch music videos anymore, primarily because I'm pretty sure they're extinct, but do singers still clench their fists when the camera focuses on them?

#14: WIND OF CHANGE, Scorpions (1990). I miss the Cold War. And don't lie, you do too. This whole ambiguous war-on-terror hasn't lent itself to any great contributions to pop culture. There is no Rocky IV or Red Dawn. Sorry, Hurt Locker blew. But this...The Wind of Change. ICONIC. Regardless of your political leanings, you can't help but get chills down your back. The video? Ehh. I could do without the Pope and George Bush The Elder. But you can't change history.

#13: I WON'T FORGET YOU, Poison (1987) Hands down, Poison's most under-rated track ever. You could argue I'm under-rating it by denying it a place in the top 10 but let's just say there's plenty more of Brett, Ricki, CC and Bobby to come. I know Poison, and Brett Michaels are kind of looked at as a bit of a joke these days, and within reason. Many might consider them the poster-children for the Glam Band Era. And I do too, but for a different reason: Like the age itself, Poison is infinitely greater than it's given credit for. 

#12: I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU, Bon Jovi, 1988 I consider this track to be Richie Sambora's coming out party. No, I'm not talking about that type of coming out. This is a man who was happily involved with Cher. OK, bad example. Moving along. The insanely under appreciated opening guitar riff is one thing, but what's always stood out to me was the "Woman you know my hands are dirty" line he backs up JBJ with.

Side note to Jon though: Not there when she was happy OR down AND you missed her birthday? Forgive her if she finds your promise To Be There For Her to be shallow at best. 

#11: THE FLAME, Cheap Trick (1988) Like their predecessors on the list, Def Leppard and Aerosmith, Cheap Trick enjoyed a storied pre-Hair Band career. They certainly don't belong as a group in the same classification with a majority of these artists. But listen to "The Flame". There's no mistaking the fact that this is a Class A Power Ballad. And a great one at that. When I think of the summer of 1988, I think of the McDLT, Michael Dukakis, "The Flame" and Eric Carmen's "Make Me Lose Control". (Another great tune but I didn't feel like it qualified)

Next week, we bring out the Big Guns and move into the Top Ten. Many repeat artists, but there's three that haven't shown up on the list just yet. Including one that I cringe to put into this classification. I'm not trying to give anything away. Just asking for a little pa....

Timberland List Thursday: 1/20/10

Another week, the 1714th of my life, in the books, another 10 people, places or things that I humbly suggest deserve a figurative kick in the shins with some hefty Timberland boots...

#10. The Ricky Gervais Haters. I'll preface this by saying I don't think I've watched more than 30 continuous minutes of an award show since the 2 Live Crew performed Banned in the USA at the 1990 Video Music Awards. And I didn't catch this year's Golden Globes either. I did however, see a neatly prepared 3 minute news package on Gervais' alleged insulting miscues and I laughed my ass off. He called out a bunch of people who've made hundreds of millions of dollars taking themselves way too seriously. Enough with the victim treatment.

#9. Facebook Re-Posters. You know who I'm talking about. (Relative, Occupation, or Disease) is so super (great/bad) that everybody should (honor/fight) them. 90% of you won't have the (guts/balls) to repost this if you agree. Enough. We get it. We all love our moms, sisters and troops and we all hate cancer and terrorists. We just don't like being told to do so or having our integrity on such issues/people challenged. Repost if you agree with me.

#8. Antrelle Rolle. He'd rather get his toes sucked by Rex Ryan than get yelled at for missing tackle after tackle by Tom Coughlin. That's his prerogative. The funny thing is, he took more money than anyone at his position has ever taken to play for Coughlin, and it's not as if Coughlin's coaching style became some revelation this past July. Shut up and play. And if you played up to your contract, I'd have ranked you higher. 

#7. The House Of Representatives. A week after agreeing that discourse must become more civil in America, they propose, vote on and pass the "Repeal of the Job Killing Health Care Law". Even though a majority opposes. Even though it kills no jobs. What kind of outrage would we have if, upon taking power in 2007, Pelosi's House voted on "Repeal of the Troop and Civilian Killing War Powers Act". At least that would be factually accurate, no? 

#6. Brian Cashman. Yankees GM offered a 1 year contract to Carl Pavano. For anyone wondering what's wrong with that, it would be the sports equivalent of Tina Turner proposing to remarry Ike. But I guess you can't blame him for chasing the dream of rebuilding my 2002 Fantasy Baseball team with Pavano, Andruw Jones and Mark Prior (to say nothing of Jorge Posada). 

#5. Peter King. Not the SI writer, who's miraculously avoided a Listing for 3 straight weeks. Republican from New York takes control of the House Committee on Homeland Security and decides it's a suddenly a great idea to investigate Muslims. A proud heir to the lineage of Joe McCarthy and Joseph Goebbels. 

#4. TLC. The Learning Channel announced that it will be devoting a week of programing to the British Royal Family in anticipation of whatever wedding they're having this spring. Just what we need on TV: more crap. Call me old fashioned, but I'm of the mindset that these dipshits became irrelevant the minute the Magna Carta was signed. 

#3. American Idol. It's baaaaaaack. More glorified karaoke that will find a way to invade just about every casual conversation you're going to have over the next couple of months, coupled with the crowning of "The Next Great Artist" who's name you'll forget by the 4th of July and may run into playing the county fair in 5 years. 

#2. Pope Benedict XVI. Yeah. I'm not a fan of his. Recently he announced that the Church was proceeding with the Canonization of Pope John Paul II-putting the old bugger on the fast track to Sainthood. To be formally recognized as a "Saint", evidence must be provided that the candidate was responsible for performing a Miracle. I wonder if Benny and his jets consider the ability to be adored worldwide while being the official head of a global pedophilia ring to be "Miraculous"? 

#1. Alabama Governor Robert Bentley. I went into detail about this Good Ol' Boy yesterday so I'm not going to get myself worked up again. But know this - his words and actions are by design, and don't buy any of these faux apologies coming out of his office. His ilk simply doesn't consider anyone who doesn't share their distorted "values" as their equal or countrymen. 

That's a wrap on this week. May you thoroughly enjoy the conclave of rapists and toesuckers on the Monongahela River this weekend.

Beer Review #0001: Dale's Pale Ale

So recently it dawned on me that I display "Beer" right smack in the middle of the masthead (does a google-based template even qualify as a masthead?) - yet aside from a few references to my love of the oat soda, I really don't get too much into beer specifically. That ends now with my first in a Thousand Series of the Whiskey Tree Beer Reviews. 

But this isn't going to be some snobby Beer Advocate style review where I moan about the fruitcentric forwardness and how it spoiled my pairing with lox and bruschetta, or the abysmal addition of sulfates that upset me so much that I left my wife. Nah. Just a simple regular man's guide to beer. Basics only.

The question is not whether or not I can find 1,000 beers to review. The question as with everything else in my life is, Will I follow through?

DALE'S PALE ALE

Brewer: Oskar Blues Brewery (Lyons, CO)

Type: Pale Ale

ABV: 6.5% 

Six Pack: $8.49

I've seen Dale's in the beer coolers for years but was always turned off by my most basic of beer prejudices: The Can. Then on Christmas Eve, my wife and I met up with some friends at our old neighborhood pub and Dale's happened to be on tap. Andy's Corner Bar (Bogota, NJ) is renowned in the Northeast for it's craft beer selection, and the staff there is more knowledgeable about beer than Augustus Busch himself, and I was assured, quite bluntly, that the lingering can taste was "in my head" and Dale's would be a worthy purchase.

I don't know that canphobia is necessarily a mental hangup. I enjoy a Budweiser on tap, and I love a Budweiser in a nice cold bottle after mowing the lawn. But Bud in a can? I'm gagging just thinking of it. Then again, maybe those are some Cats in the Cradle issues I need to deal with separately.

So I picked up the sixer of Dales and figured I'd see if I could tackle the can issues. Of course, I poured it directly into a pint glass - but I do that with most beers anyway - bottle, can, tap, anything but a good .40 oz.

If you care about color, this was kinda copper-redish. Honestly, I don't keep up on what constitutes what hue of a drink I'm about to devour. It's a beer, not an accent for the curtains.

The most notable aspect of the pour was that the head was pretty small. To me, that's a good thing. There was no outburst of fizz from the can either, for whatever it was worth. Despite these symptoms, the taste was anything but flat. Nice and crisp with some lingering hops in the aftertaste, a little hoppier than most Pale Ales, but that's fine by me. Actually, it's a bonus in my mind.

Pale Ale is one of my favorite types of beer. Generally go down easy and they pack a solid-but-not-debilitating punch. But this went down super quick. I remember saying to my brother in law "Wow, that's the fastest i've ever drank a six pack of 6% or better beer". And it showed.

A couple of hours later, in 20 degree weather, we were walking 2 miles to the liquor store to load up on light beer.

My final report card (scale of 1-10): 

Bang For The Buck: 6. Average price, slightly above average punch

Taste: 8. About average for a Pale.

Drinkability: 10. Super Smooth. 

1 Makes You Feel: Happy 

3 Make You Feel: Excited 

6 Make You Feel: Like Solving the World's Problems

Ideal Musical Companion: Dave Matthews Band Live at Central Park 

Ideal Cheeseburger: Classic American Cheese with lettuce, tomato and raw onion 

If this beer was an athlete, it'd be: Allen Iverson. You're turned off by the appearance, but you look a little deeper and appreciate it's greatness.