Timberland List Thursday: 1/20/10

Another week, the 1714th of my life, in the books, another 10 people, places or things that I humbly suggest deserve a figurative kick in the shins with some hefty Timberland boots...

#10. The Ricky Gervais Haters. I'll preface this by saying I don't think I've watched more than 30 continuous minutes of an award show since the 2 Live Crew performed Banned in the USA at the 1990 Video Music Awards. And I didn't catch this year's Golden Globes either. I did however, see a neatly prepared 3 minute news package on Gervais' alleged insulting miscues and I laughed my ass off. He called out a bunch of people who've made hundreds of millions of dollars taking themselves way too seriously. Enough with the victim treatment.

#9. Facebook Re-Posters. You know who I'm talking about. (Relative, Occupation, or Disease) is so super (great/bad) that everybody should (honor/fight) them. 90% of you won't have the (guts/balls) to repost this if you agree. Enough. We get it. We all love our moms, sisters and troops and we all hate cancer and terrorists. We just don't like being told to do so or having our integrity on such issues/people challenged. Repost if you agree with me.

#8. Antrelle Rolle. He'd rather get his toes sucked by Rex Ryan than get yelled at for missing tackle after tackle by Tom Coughlin. That's his prerogative. The funny thing is, he took more money than anyone at his position has ever taken to play for Coughlin, and it's not as if Coughlin's coaching style became some revelation this past July. Shut up and play. And if you played up to your contract, I'd have ranked you higher. 

#7. The House Of Representatives. A week after agreeing that discourse must become more civil in America, they propose, vote on and pass the "Repeal of the Job Killing Health Care Law". Even though a majority opposes. Even though it kills no jobs. What kind of outrage would we have if, upon taking power in 2007, Pelosi's House voted on "Repeal of the Troop and Civilian Killing War Powers Act". At least that would be factually accurate, no? 

#6. Brian Cashman. Yankees GM offered a 1 year contract to Carl Pavano. For anyone wondering what's wrong with that, it would be the sports equivalent of Tina Turner proposing to remarry Ike. But I guess you can't blame him for chasing the dream of rebuilding my 2002 Fantasy Baseball team with Pavano, Andruw Jones and Mark Prior (to say nothing of Jorge Posada). 

#5. Peter King. Not the SI writer, who's miraculously avoided a Listing for 3 straight weeks. Republican from New York takes control of the House Committee on Homeland Security and decides it's a suddenly a great idea to investigate Muslims. A proud heir to the lineage of Joe McCarthy and Joseph Goebbels. 

#4. TLC. The Learning Channel announced that it will be devoting a week of programing to the British Royal Family in anticipation of whatever wedding they're having this spring. Just what we need on TV: more crap. Call me old fashioned, but I'm of the mindset that these dipshits became irrelevant the minute the Magna Carta was signed. 

#3. American Idol. It's baaaaaaack. More glorified karaoke that will find a way to invade just about every casual conversation you're going to have over the next couple of months, coupled with the crowning of "The Next Great Artist" who's name you'll forget by the 4th of July and may run into playing the county fair in 5 years. 

#2. Pope Benedict XVI. Yeah. I'm not a fan of his. Recently he announced that the Church was proceeding with the Canonization of Pope John Paul II-putting the old bugger on the fast track to Sainthood. To be formally recognized as a "Saint", evidence must be provided that the candidate was responsible for performing a Miracle. I wonder if Benny and his jets consider the ability to be adored worldwide while being the official head of a global pedophilia ring to be "Miraculous"? 

#1. Alabama Governor Robert Bentley. I went into detail about this Good Ol' Boy yesterday so I'm not going to get myself worked up again. But know this - his words and actions are by design, and don't buy any of these faux apologies coming out of his office. His ilk simply doesn't consider anyone who doesn't share their distorted "values" as their equal or countrymen. 

That's a wrap on this week. May you thoroughly enjoy the conclave of rapists and toesuckers on the Monongahela River this weekend.

Up to the minute US Scenarios.

Here we go Yo! Here we go Yo! Just figured out the scenarios for he US to advance to the Knock Out Round of the FIFAo 2010 World Cup. All scenarios assume either a Yanks win or tie against Algeria. Also take into consideration all 3 possible outcomes of the UK/Algeria match about to kick-off. So in 3 hours, this will be reduced by 66%.

If the chart below makes your eyes hurt, you can see a full size chart right here. (Or just click on the chart below)

In a nut-shell, it looks very, very, very good for us obnoxious Americans with a win. A tie and we're going to need a lot of help, likely impossible help since we'll have a goal differential of Zero. And I didn't even bother figuring out a loss cause we'd be done:

Music Madness: Liverpool - Sweet 16

Forgive me if I'm a little disheveled this morning. I'm still coming to grips with what I will heretofore refer to as The Great Hanson Riots of 2010. I've been slacking a bit of late, but I want to make the nuns proud and follow the words of wisdom laid out by Sammy Hagar and Eddie Van Halen - Finish What Ya Started.

Today's region brings what should be a blowout on paper as the 1 seed takes on Cinderella, and a very, very intriguing 2 v 3 match up.

Confused? Here's all you need to know 
Box Score Keys: EC (Entire Collection - 3 pts), DA (Defining Album - 2), PC (Personal Connection - 2), DS (Defining Song -1), HI (Historical Impact -1)

(1) Beatles v (12) Sublime

How They Got Here:
BEATLES: def (16) Kings of Leon 9-0, (8) Wolffe tones 9-0
SUBLIME: def (5) Jimi Hendrix 5-4, (4) Johnny Cash 5-4
Box Score:
EC: Sublime is yet to win this category, which makes it even more impressive that they've advanced, as this is the most valuable one. And for the third straight time, they fail to win it. Does it mean good things ahead? ADV: BEATLES
PC: This is where the upstarts have made their noise, as I've mentioned the youthful, fun, illicit, illegal and bizarre memories set to their soundtrack. But that ends here. We're talking about the Beatles here. The one cool band my parents liked. The Babe Ruth of 101.1 CBS FM. Like most, I had a strong Beatles foundation to begin with, but going off to school, discovering each album on an individual basis, it was a whole new experience some 25, 30 years after their release. You can't just write off something like that. ADV: BEATLES
DA: This is officially in the books. Now it's just a matter of seeing if the Liverpudlians can match Dylan's 27-0 categorical start. Of the 16 teams to advance to the regional semi-finals, Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band ranks 6th among all albums. 40 oz to Freedom, though I love it so, comes in 16th. ADV: BEATLES
DS: "Hey Jude" you're number 11. If you're "Waiting for My Ruca", you'll find her at thirteen. ADV: BEATLES
HI: Like comparing Thomas Jefferson and George W. Bush. Yeah, they were both Presidents and all, but...ADV: BEATLES

The fairytale is over, it's down to the big boys now. And John, George, Paul and Ringo carry their undefeated streak into the Elite 8.

FINAL SCORE: BEATLES 9 - SUBLIME 0

(2) Led Zeppelin v (3) Pearl Jam
How They Got Here:
ZEPPELIN: Def (15) Raconteurs 9-0, (10) Willie Nelson 9-0
PEARL JAM: Def (14) Radiohead 9-0, (6) Rolling Stones 8-1
Box Score:
EC: What a battle of heavyweights we have going on right now. With the release of Backspacer, Pearl Jam has expanded their resume into some rarefied air. 9 albums. 18 years. Many classics among them. Most impressive, in my opinion, is that they're best 5 consist of their first 3 and last 2. Could it be that I was into other things in the middle? Maybe. Zeppelin likewise has 9 major releases to their name. And maybe it's because of the aforementioned middle-gap with Pearl Jam, but I have to declare this one to be property of Led Zeppelin. ADV: LZ
DA: On that chart I just mentioned, Zeppelin's Houses of the Holy comes in at a very respectable #9. That's eight spots behind Ten. You can do the math on that one. ADV: PJ
DS: I felt there was no choice but to name "Stairway" the defining Zeppelin songs. Some artists, I can make the choice. Sometimes, the choice makes itself despite what I may think. Bob Dylan's "Like a Rolling Stone" may be his most popular tune, but it's not the song that the masses define him by. The only other comp I can come with here is the relationship between Lynrd Skynrd and "Free Bird". I may prefer "Going to California" or "The Immigrant Song" personally, but "Stairway" it is, and that's ranked #10. Regardless of which song I went with though, it wasn't touching the fabled sheets of empty canvas. ADV: PJ 
HI: Hitting the homestretch at a 3-3 tie, could one expect any less? I struggled with this one and here's why: I grew up with the notion that Led Zeppelin was already classic rock. By the time I was buying music on my own, they were done making it, about 18 years after their debut. However, now we're 18 years into Pearl Jam's popular existence. Is it not time that they enter the same pantheon? I think it is. But some states of mind are impossible to exit. I still view the two in completely different ways. Maybe I'm holding on to the idea of youth, but I have to call this one for Zep. ADV: LZ 
PC: My favorite category. And I've probably made it clear already. I'll explain more in the Elite Eight how strong the bond is as they go head-to-head with the Undefeated Beatles - a connection match up that I have no idea how it may shake out. But Pearl Jam's going to be a tough beat in this category. For all comers. ADV: PJ 
FINAL SCORE: PEARL JAM 5 - LED ZEPPELIN 4 

REMAINING SCHEDULE
Charlottesville Sweet 16
(1) Dave Matthews Band v (5) Billy Joel
(2) The Doors v (3) Pink Floyd
San Francisco Sweet 16
(1) Grateful Dead v (4) Bob Marley
(2) Bruce Springsteen v (3) Simon & Garfunkel
The Village Regional Final
(1) Bob Dylan v (2) Guns N Roses
Liverpool Regional Final
(1) Beatles v (3) Pearl Jam.

  

Music Madness: Charlottesville Region: Round 2

One extremely competitive match between two heavy hitters, but the other three contests were so lopsided that President Obama would be jealous. The only thing of import there is that the 1 seed in the region has yet to record a shutout. Is that a harbinger of things to come?

As the framers would say, Rules and Criteria can be found here.

SHUTOUT 
(3) Pink Floyd v (6) Phish. Phish pays the bill for their controversial Round One victory over Public Enemy. There's no category here that they're remotely competitive in. I'd explain about personal connection to Floyd, but the internets really isn't the best place for that. 
FINAL SCORE: PINK FLOYD 9 - PHISH 0

BLOWOUTS 
(1) Dave Matthews Band v (8) Elvis Presley. For the second straight round, DMB concedes the historical impact category. Maybe it's just the draw. Maybe it's a potentially fatal flaw. Lucky for them, it's only 1 point, while they rank at or near the top in "connection". They move on. 
FINAL SCORE: DMB 8 - ELVIS 1 

(2) The Doors v (7) Jay-Z. I give Jay Z the Impact. You kind of have to. Being older doesn't mean being better. I also give him the Song. Boy it's tough to go against "Empire" isn't it? But the Doors take the Album, The Doors,  the collection, since everything they've cut is a timeless classic, and the personal connection, as I remember being told by a nun in 8th grade that "Jim Morrison is not a positive role model". I'd love to have that conversation with her today, as my retort would be  at least he was never a Nazi.
FINAL SCORE: THE DOORS 7 - JAY-Z 2

NAIL BITER
(4) U2 v (5) Billy Joel. This was probably the closest "Entire Collection" decision to this point. Both contestants rank really high, like Top 15 high or better if you were to rank the whole field 1-64. After spending about a full commute thinking about it, I have to give the category to the Piano Man. There are no real holes in his collection, as U2 has a pretty gaping one, in my mind, from 1993 - 2000. Granted Billy Joel hasn't exactly been churning out the albums for the past 20 years, but at least he doesn't have any that suck (*cough* Zooropa and Pop). 3 for the Pride of Long Island. 
The Irish strike back though, when we get to the album category. Joshua Tree - by a margin so thin you'd expect anorexia - over The Stranger. 2 points to U2. Seriously, Joshua Tree might be in the Top 10 all time. U2 also claims victory when it comes to the defining song. I love a lot of Billy Joel songs, and my favorite just might be "Leningrad". But it's impossible to say his defining song is anything other than "Piano Man". And as much as I love that as well, I prefer the anthem "Pride (In the Name of Love)".
Impact was another tough decision, but I go with U2 simply for their global appeal. Billy Joel may be a bigger name in the States (debatable, cause I am prone to a very justifiable NY bias). But U2's arguably the biggest active band in the world.
All of this brings us to a 4-3 lead for Bono and company, with only personal connection left. I have a strong connection to U2. One of the 10, maybe 5 best concerts I've ever seen (though Billy ranks nearly as high). They're Irish. They're political. But I bought Billy Joel's Greatest Hits: Volume I & II at the Sam Goody in the Paramus Park Mall in 1989 and I don't think I've gone more than 2 weeks in my life w/o listening to Billy since. "Scenes from an Italian Restaraunt" was one of the 5 most played songs after Midnight of my collegiate life. "We Didn't Start The Fire" is the same for gatherings with my in-laws. Billy is King.
FINAL SCORE: BILLY JOEL 5 - U2 4

The Sweet 16 in C-Ville:
(1) DMB v (4) Billy Joel. I smell some serious vulnerability for the top dog.
(2) The Doors v (3) Pink Floyd. I'm facing some Long, Seriously Deep thinking on this one.

I Hate To Tell Ya but...

-The best candidate that the College of Cardinals could come up with to be the successor of Saint Peter in 2005 was a former Nazi with a penchant for giving cover to pedophiles.

-Fortysomethings need to explain to me what's so special about The Police, The Eagles, and Genesis.

-Olympic hockey magnified how boring regular season hockey can be.

-If the federal government can mandate that each individual saves for retirement as they do with Social Security, I see no constitutional reason why they can't do the same for health insurance.

-Nothing makes the collective sports media stain their shorts like speculating about an all-pro QB north of 30 changing teams.

-Somebody really needs to explain to me who decides when Easter is and how they do it.

-It bothers me that people never say "goodbye" when hanging up the phone on television.

-The shock, awe and amazement at the Minnesota Twins signing Joe Mauer to the third richest contract in baseball history shouldn't be covered as shocking, awesome, or amazing. The Pohlad Family, which has owned the Twins since 1984, has a net-worth of about 3.6 billion. That's more than double the worth of the big, bad, evil Steinbrenner family.

-I have a hard time thinking of anything else by but Brian Fellow's Safari Planet when I hear Oprah narrate "Life"

-I'm not sure when exactly it became more enjoyable to watch sports at home than in person, but it happened.

-Calling Glen Beck "batshit crazy" insults guano.

-I fully expect "The Hangover 2" to be the most disappointing sequel in the history of movies.

-It's about effing Time that the Pacific Theater got the spotlight it deserved. I hope this helps close what I call the "Stigma Gap" between Germany and Japan.

-Eli Manning is the most successful quarterback in the Class of 2004 to never be accused of rape. 

-Europe really fucked up Africa, didn't it?

-If you were to judge me solely by the context of the "FWD" emails I receive, you'd swear I was a racist Evangelical Christian Republican fundraiser.

Five For Friday 2/12/10

And the Wheel of Topics stops on………..Politics. Happy Valentine’s Day



FIVE PEOPLE I’M GLAD WE DON’T HAVE TO HEAR FROM ANYMORE
5. Tony Snow. It’s a shame when someone doesn’t see their 60th birthday and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But when you spent what turned out to be your last decade on earth as a Fox News host AND White House Press Secretary for the Bush Administration, consider it Karmic Justice.
4. Strom Thurmond. Segregationist. With illegitimate black children. Yet consistently sent back to the Senate for half a decade. We totally mismanaged Reconstruction.
3. Jerry Falwell. Evangelical that blamed 9/11 on gays. And people continued to send him money. And people still pay to send their children his Madrasah known as “Liberty University”. Baffling.
2. Timothy McVeigh. Follow this train of thought: Tea Baggers think the President’s soft on terrorism. Timmy McV was the original Tea Bagger. I wonder if this dichotomy was discussed at the $500 per ticket convention for average folks.
1. Ronald Reagan. Every major problem of 2010: Terrorism emanating from Afghanistan, the lack of workers’ protections, the greatest disparity of wealth in history, and the lack of financial safeguards and regulations can be traced back to this shitbag. Yet anti-gay conservatives are so unbelievably gay for him. His chickens all came home to roost over the last 10 years and lucky for us, we get to see Reaganism in all it’s glory manifested in this shitstorm we call Life On Earth 2010.

FOUR PEOPLE WE UNFORTUNATELY DO HEAR FROM
4. Sean Hannity. I don’t care about demagogues like Glen Beck and Rush Limbaugh. They only reach a small, bitter, aging, angry, lilywhite portion of the population. What’s dangerous about Hannity is that people think he’s a middle of the road analyst who tells it like it is, when the reality is he’s squarely in the Beck/Limbaugh/Savage/Goebbels camp.
3. Sarah Palin. I have a love/hate relationship with Misses Reproduce Like Rabbits and Pass That Core Family Value On To My Daughter. On one hand, I despise every sentence uttered from that vast open space between her ears. On the other, despite the fact that Bushie got “elected” twice, I can’t possibly see America voting for someone that fucking dumb so having her in a prominent position within the GOP is probably good for America.
2. Tim Tebow. I’m pretty much convinced he’s a Jihadist. I think Homeland Security needs to be on alert the first time he travels to play in San Francisco, New York or Seattle this upcoming season.
1. Joe Lieberman. Self-serving prick. Nothing left to say.


THREE SIMPLE QUESTIONS I’VE ASKED MANY TIMES THAT STILL HAVE NOT BEEN ANSWERED INTELLIGENTLY
3. How Does Same-Sex Marriage Threaten The Institution of Marriage Itself? Seriously? Is everyone going to divorce their spouse and go marry someone of the same gender? Honestly, can somebody PLEASE answer this w/o referring to God or Scripture?
2. What “Freedoms” Do “They” Hate Us For? Dubya uttered this bullshit about 4 hours after the attacks and people just took him at his word (No need to examine the track record of “His Word” is there?). But nobody’s quite translated this into something that people who can read at the 4th Grade Level or better can understand. Do they not like that we can choose between Coke and Pepsi? Does our freedom to petition our government in a chain-link-fenced in “Free Speech Zone” piss them off so much that they had to commit an act of war?
1. How, Over The Span of One Lifetime, Do You Go From Nazi Labor Camp Guard To Pope? From guardian of the Third Reich to Successor of Saint Peter. Amazing. What’s more amazing is how many people just shrug it off, especially considering that he signed up long after it was compulsory. Next time you hear a rags-to-riches story and some hillbilly inevitably says “Only in America”, you say “Nah-ah. Did you know that in the Vatican you can go from decorated Nazi to Jesus’ earthly representative?”


TWO TRAITS I’VE NOTICED IN GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE THAT SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME:


2. He Was Once A US Attorney
1. He Has A Slight Lisp
How long until we find out that he once married his cousin and likes to dress in drag? The minute he tells you to “Walk North” you should run for the hills instead.

ONE PERSON WHO I’LL DEFEND EVEN IF I’M THE LAST ONE TO DO SO
1. Nancy Pelosi. Forget about the criticisms from the far right, as noted they’re old and decaying and for the most part, will be dead soon. But the Left is (understandably) mad as hell about the inaction in DC. I am too. However, like 5% of the nation, I know how government works. I know the difference between a Speaker of the House and Senate Majority Leader (Cough: And President). Anything the Prez asked for from the House, Speaker Pelosi’s delivered: Stimulus, Jobs, Cap’n Trade, and of course, Health Care. Despite being demonized and caricaturized, she keeps fuckin’ that chicken and providing results.


The problem lies in the Senate where Harry Reid can’t get 2 Democrats to order a seltzer with lime without them both asking “What’s in it for me?” Likewise, the White House has done a miserable job in strong-arming said senate democrats. But leave the Speaker out of this. She’s passed everything that we elected a majority to pass, and as an added bonus, those bigots and misogynists known as Tea Baggers have to not only deal with a black president, but a female Speaker of the House. From San Francisco!