Timberland List Thursday: 2/10/10

Another Super Bowl Sunday is in the books. It's usually the most bittersweet day on the calendar. We celebrate the culmination of another football season but mourn it's end. The minute the final whistle blows, we're as far away from more football than we can possibly be. To use a Christian analogy, it's like the mourning of Good Friday blended with the jubilation of Easter. Well, it would be, if Jesus was threatening to lock out all Christians if they didn't give him more money. Which I wouldn't put past him.

Anyway, because SBS is one of the defining events of the year, it's no surprise that it's inspired a couple of entries on this List. Surprisingly though, Christina Aguilera didn't make the List. Yeah, she F'ed up. I'm not defending her, quite the opposite, I don't care for her. But I'm not going to feed into this frenzy that she's some Anti-American flag-burning terrorist. Especially not when our President is a Muslim Socialist. 

#10. Ronald Reagan's Groupies. They're hard and wet because Sunday was the Gipper's 100th Birthday. Get over it. The dude pretty much is responsible for every pile of shit on America's plate. 

#9. Slash. Won't play with Axl. Will play with Fergie. Enough said. 

#8. Mark Sanchez. What's the age of consent in New York to lick somebody's feet? You're a 24 year old multi-millionaire quarterback in New York City. You can have any woman from the hottest 21 year old NYU Co-Ed to the most botoxed 45 year old Cougar on the Upper East side. Instead, you start a romantic relationship with a 17 year old highschooler. I'm going to paraphrase my buddy Doc, comparing this to Lawrence Taylor's most recent run in with the law: "LT is the old mutt you want to backhand when he drops a donk on the floor. Sanchez is like the cute puppy who gets a pass. But at the end of the day, shit is still shit."

#7. Starbucks. The never ending battle of Ed vs. Starbucks continues. I don't recognize your sizing scheme where small is tall and you have made up words for medium. Sometimes, the barista will simply oblige and fulfill my order without question. I appreciate that. What I have little tolerance for is when they either try and correct me (You mean Venti?) or repeat the order back to me using their lingo (One Tall Coffee). Don't lecture me on how to order a damn cup of coffee. Also, what's with this "Barista" nonsense? How come we didn't make up a word for the minimum wage employee who prepares a Whopper? And the tip jars. Jesus, the friggin tip jars. I asked you for a black coffee that I have to put my own sugar in, not a Long Island Iced Tea. 

#6. Donald Rumsfeld. The latest co-conspirator is on his make-nice tour, attempting to rewrite history. Along the way he made sure to praise Rush Limbaugh for being one of the only people willing to speak frankly about "Islamists". Note to those who seek pension reform: Maybe we can start by not giving pensions to war criminals? 

#5. Phillip Dennis. Speaking of "Islamists", the founder of the Texas Tea Party says not only does he have major problems with Islam as a religion, but he's not sure if Barack Obama is a Muslim or not. And in the greatest example of Tea Party Intelligence, within the same interview, chastised Obama for attending Jeremiah Wright's CHRISTIAN church.

#4. Jane Seymor. Why is it that every time the calendar calls for me to buy a gift for my wife or my mother, I'm inundated with your commercials for your gumball-machine jewelry inspired by your goddamn finger-painting projects? Also, who the hell are you? Does Kay Jewelers really think men between the ages of 25 and 55 are going to be inspired by "Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman"? Was nobody from "Falcon Crest" available?

#3. The Huffington Post/AOL Merger. First off, I didn't know AOL was still around. Second - can you think of an example where a major media merger went down and media content became MORE progressive? Me neither. 

#2. The Black Eyed Peas. Wow. What an abysmal half-time performance. As enjoyable as my facebook and twitter feeds were during their "show", nobody should ever have to sit through that type of visual and audio diarrhea. The robotic auto-tuning. The dancing snots. The vocal homicide of "Sweet Child O'Mine". The Tron-on-crack costumes. I know the NFL's responding to the backlash from last year's abysmal Who performance and how the world has been scarred by the image of Pete Townshend in skinny jeans with his 75 year old belly flab hanging out and all, but if you're trying to capture mass appeal to a younger audience, you can't do it in a way that's both "safe" AND "good".  

#1. Mississippi. You can keep telling me that my image of the South is off base and it's not 1963 anymore. I'll keep referencing stuff like this: 

JACKSON, Miss. – A fight is brewing in Mississippi over a proposal to issue specialty license plates honoring Confederate Gen. Nathan Bedford Forrest, who was an early leader of the Ku Klux Klan.
The Mississippi Division of Sons of Confederate Veterans wants to sponsor a series of state-issued license plates to mark the 150th anniversary of the Civil War, which it calls the "War Between the States." The group proposes a different design each year between now and 2015, with Forrest slated for 2014.

Top 25 Power Ballads: #10 - #6

It's the stretch run, the Top 10. Put the women and children to sleep, we're bringing out the Big Guns this week.

Previous entries on this rundown....

#25 - #21

#20 - #16

#15 - #11

#10: SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN, Poison (1990) Don't be fooled - behind all that lipstick, makeup and hairspray is a powerful progressive message. How we treat our homeless, our veterans, our poor and our lonely best friends of Bret Michaels. At the very least it answers the question "Is there a Lord Above?". Negatory.

#9: MORE THAN WORDS, Extreme (1991) The Last Great Power Ballad ever released. Not long after this it was time to don the flannels, cut the hair and get serious. It was nice of Nuno Bettencourt and Gary Cherone to give a cameo to the useless members of the band waiving their lighters in the video. Speaking of which, with the general decline of smoking in general, that's the most unfortunate side effect - no more swaying lighters demanding an encore, or for effect during a great power ballad such as this. Yes, I know there's an ap for that now. But it's not the same.

#8: WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE, Bon Jovi (1986) As disturbing as it is, JBJ's Cowboy Fetish has produced some great music. You've got this classic. You've got "Ride Cowboy Ride", and you've got the entire Young Guns II Soundtrack. Sure, it's hard to shake the image of a 14 year old Jon prancing around his Sayerville bedroom in assless chaps and a Red Rider but at the expense of never hearing "sometimes you tell the day by the bottle that you drink"? Well worth the imagery. What I find a little pretentious however, is that when this song was written, Bon Jovi was hardly the global success that they are today. So really, the only way Jon saw "a million faces" when he wrote this was if he was collecting Turnpike Tolls that summer.

#7: FLY HIGH MICHELLE, Enuff Z'Nuff (1989) Told you I wasn't done honoring the lost art of hair bands memorializing overdosees in song. Drugs? Check. Lipstick? Check. Hair? Check. Girls? Yup. And really, can you go wrong writing about a Michelle? I can think of 3 Michelle classics off the top of my head. Enuff Z'Nuff never really took off and that's a shame, because this album and their 1990 follow up "Strength" were quality cuts. Maybe it's because they went for the "Poison on Acid" look.

#6: PATIENCE, Guns N'Roses (1989) This was hard for me to include in my countdown. I cringe to put GNR in the classification of "Hair Bands". The era lines up. The look kind of does, though there was very little glamor in their motif. But their track record and their sound is hardly comparable to Bon Jovi, Poison, or even the Crue. But Patience can loosely, very, very loosely, be categorized as a Power Ballad. And a great one at that. Is there a better vocal solo than Axl's wailing at the end of this? Is there a more iconic (and symbolic) sequence from a music video than Slash's snake? Do you not think about this tune every time you're partying in a hotel room?

It's a topic for another time, especially with the million different classifications one could pick, but I'm a firm believer that Guns N Roses was the Last Great Rock'n Roll Band.

See ya'll for the Top Five later this week.

Music Madness: The Village - Sweet 16

It's regional finals time. Finally. Getting down to the nitty gritty and the developing story in this region is simple: Can anybody put a chink in Bob Dylan's armor? Two matchups. 5 Categories each. In those 10 categories, nobody's come close to registering a point.

Our other matchup should be closer. Party like it's 1988 and the top selling records are New Jersey and Appetite for Destruction.

For the curious among you, all rules, criteria and regulations can be found right here.

Going to switch up the format a tad, provide a bit more background since we're down to 2 matchups in the region.

Box Score Keys: EC (Entire Collection - 3 pts), DA (Defining Album - 2), PC (Personal Connection - 2), DS (Defining Song -1), HI (Historical Impact -1)

On to the action:

(1) Bob Dylan v (5) Red Hot Chili Peppers

How They Got Here:
DYLAN: def. (16) Skid Row 9-0; (9) Jack Johnson 9-0
RHCP: def. (12) Aerosmith 8-1; (4) White Stripes 8-1

BOX SCORE:
EC: RCHP have a vast and impressive one. They're still going strong. Bob Dylan's collection is 100 times better. And he's still kicking. ADVANTAGE: DYLAN
DA: Of the remaining 16, Dylan's Blood on the Tracks ranks 3. Blood Sugar Sex Magik is 13. ADV: DYLAN
PC: I haven't ranked these 1-16 yet, partially because I don't want to ruin my own personal suspense, but also because I think more than any other category, this needs to be a direct Head to Head. I have many memories shared with the Peppers contributions to my life's soundtrack. The summer of 2006 was underwritten by "Snow". But being "into Dylan" is life defining. I can't say that I look down upon people who don't get Bob Dylan. Unless they also profess to love music. Then it's inexplicable. Being into Bob Dylan is part of one's character. It doesn't get more personal than that. ADV: DYLAN
DS: "Hurricane" ranks #3. "Under the Bridge" #16. Not even close. ADV: DYLAN
HI: Does not even need to be discussed. ADV: DYLAN

FINAL SCORE: BOB DYLAN 9 - RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS 0

(2) Guns N Roses v (3) Bon Jovi

How They Got Here:
GNR: def (15) Weezer 9-0; (7) Stevie Wonder 5-4
JOVI: def (14) Counting Crows 9-0; (11) Metallica 7-2
 
BOX SCORE:
EC: No real room for debate here, unless you were to argue that proportionately, the Guns' is better. And if not for most of Use Your Illusions I  and The Spaghetti Incident and technically, Chinese Democracy, that might be the case. But the Jersey boys have been cutting quality work for almost 30 years now. Wow. 30 fucking years. That's longer than the Beatles work had existed when I first got into them. ADV: BON JOVI
DA: Slippery When Wet was the first album I ever loved. I had three albums before that: Thriller, Born in the USA, and A Different Light. (Use the google for that one). But Slippery was the first one I truly got into. I remember coming home in 4th grade and putting the record (yes, vinyl) on and listening to it all the way through. But about 2 years later, there was Appetite For Destruction. I remember being amazed that you could say "Fuck" in a song. There was something so rebellious about the album at the time. Just as I was coming into my own. Just as I was beginning to define myself and formulating my own opinions. I still listen to both of the albums. Slippery is nostalgic. Appetite still resonates today. Slippery is #8 of all remaining albums. Appetite is 3. ADV: GNR
PC: Much like what I said about Dylan, there's a special class of us who still revere the Guns some 25 years later. Don't matter that Axl's batshit crazy. Don't matter that we're never seeing a reunion. Don't matter that Slash is becoming a bigger pitchman than Billy Mays. There's a sum of 3 albums for the Guns: All of Appetite, all of Illusions II, 1/2 of Illusions I and side B of Lies. If you've been listening to them for the last quarter century, it's impacted you.
Bon Jovi's done the same. When you're from Jersey, you feel a certain ownership of Bon Jovi. Like Springsteen, "The Sopranos", Diners and Joe Piscopo. Interesting (not really) trivia: I danced with my wife to "Never Say Goodbye" at our 8th Grade Graduation Dance, our Senior Prom, and our Wedding. And it was a "focal" song at all three. Not some generic "Chicken Dance". That's not some random occurrance. That's staying power. That's a contribution to my life, to our lives. That is a personal connection. But it's a different connection. Bon Jovi is where you're from. Guns N Roses is who you are. ADV: GNR
HI: Guns N Roses needs 1 more point to move to the Elite Eight. They won't find it here. Their moment was fleeting, while Bon Jovi carries on. They've seen a million faces. And they've rocked them all. ADV: BON JOVI
DS: So it comes down to the defining song. One fluke category for the right to call yourself a "VILLAGE REGIONAL FINALIST IN A MAKE BELIEVE TOURNAMENT OF ONE MAN'S 64 FAVORITE MUSICIANS". Can you feel the pressure building? The tension? The drama? "Living on a Prayer" checks in at number 8. "Estranged" checks in at number 5. And that might be an insult to it. ADV: GNR 
 
A very close matchup. Probably the closest yet. But we keep to seed here. Bob Dylan, "Welcome to the Jungle". 
 
FINAL SCORE: GUNS N ROSES 5 - BON JOVI 4. 

Music Madness: The Village Region: 2nd Round

Surprisingly, the second round has a lot less drama than the first in this region.  Born Again Bob wrote "Slow Train Coming" but there's nothing slow about Dylan's plowing through the field so far. He's looking like the undisputed favorite to reach the final four. The question is, will he shut-out all comers?

As usual, all Rules and Criteria can be found here

SHUTOUTS
(1) Bob Dylan v (9) Jack Johnson. Not a single category where the Hawaiian was anything close to competitive.
FINAL SCORE: Bob Dylan 9 - Jack Johnson 0

BLOWOUTS
(4) White Stripes v (5) Red Hot Chili Peppers. Wow, I did not see this one coming. I assumed this had the makings of a 5-4/6-3 win and would have put the Stripes as a slight favorite. But lining it all up, all they took down was "song" with "Ball and Biscuit" narrowly beating out "Under the Bridge" (which I already regret deeming their best). I had already determined that  Stadium Arcadium had beaten out  Elephant in the album category, and the rest pretty much fell into place for RHCP. A tough, tough loss for the Stripes. The Peppers now have the unenviable task of taking on the Dylan Machine.  
FINAL SCORE: RHCP 8 - WHITE STRIPES 1

(3) Bon Jovi v (11) Metallica. It was a coin-toss of sorts for the historical impact between the two, and it came up in favor of Metallica. Both have the longevity. Bon Jovi's more popular but that's not the point. Both are still alive and kicking while their contemporaries are collecting residuals from VH1's reality television department. Metallica also wins the "song" competition, thanks to The Greatest Closer in baseball history. But everything else goes Jersey.
FINAL SCORE: BON JOVI 7 - METALLICA 2

NAIL BITERS
(2) Guns N Roses v (7) Stevie Wonder. All categories but one were blowouts. And it was the one that was the deciding factor, despite the seed disparity. Stevie Wonder takes Historic Impact and Entire Collection with relative ease. The Guns lock down "Song" with "Estranged" and personal connection with little trouble. So it all falls on the Defining Album. Songs in the Key of Life against Appetite For Destruction. Two legendary albums you'll find on just about any "All Time" countdown. But when I really think about the choice, I Think About You, Sweet Child O' Mine. And the answer? It's So Easy. And all of a sudden, a viable threat to Bob Dylan emerges.
FINAL SCORE: GUNS N ROSES 5 - STEVIE WONDER 4.

The Sweet Sixteen in this region:
(1) Bob Dylan v (5) Red Hot Chili Peppers
(2) Guns N Roses v (3) Bon Jovi

Music Madness 2010: The Village 1st Round

It's the first full day of action live from the deep recesses of my brain. The Village Regional First Round Action is ready to commence. The overwhelming favorite in the region is the legendary Bob Dylan, who likely will beat any and all comers in the "Entire Collection" category, which in turn would give him a three point advantage off the bat.

This is a region of heavy hitters. Bon Jovi. Guns N Roses. The Red Hot Chili Peppers. All possess the ability to make it out of other regions. But slaying Bob the Giant is no ordinary task. Speaking of which, a bunch of burnouts from Jersey have the unenviable task of being the first to make such an attempt...

A reminder, all Rules & Criteria can be found here

VILLAGE REGION: FIRST ROUND ACTION
(1) Bob Dylan vs. (16) Skid Row. The Skids eeked out a play-in match against the Barenaked Ladies. There's something they can hang their hat on. This one's a clean 9-0 sweep.
FINAL SCORE: BOB DYLAN 9 ~ SKID ROW 0

(8) Beastie Boys vs. (9) Jack Johnson. This one goes down to the wire. The Beasties take the prize for Defining Album with License to Ill. Can't deny how good it remains to this day. Even the politically incorrect "Girls". They take the Defining Song points as well, as "Fight For Your Right" beats any single Johnson tune. And seeing that they're going strong in their 3rd decade and are widely considered pioneers, they get the Impact point. Johnson fights back strong with Personal Connection however, despite having a 20 year disadvantage. For the last 5 years, Jack's been the go-to-guy for a mellow Sunday morning cup of coffee, a breezy Saturday afternoon on my deck, or a hungover car ride home from a hotel.
The big prize is still out there: 3 Points for "Entire Collection". As great as the Beasties are, as great as they've been, the Hawaiian takes this down. His entire catalogue - even if it's only a fraction of the Beastie Boys' - is nearly blemish-free. For the past decade he's churned out nothing but solid, borderline great music. And he pulls off the upset.
FINAL SCORE: JACK JOHNSON 5 ~ BEASTIE BOYS 4

(4) White Stripes vs. (13) Notorious B.I.G. This is a weird matchup, isn't it? The clearest advantage is Biggy's "Historical Impact". It's kind of an unfair advantage when you're shot to death. Ask Bobby Kennedy, whom you'd think was one of the best presidents ever, aside from the fact that he wasn't even nominated to run for president, let alone elected as such. I'm also giving the Notorious one the Song category, as Big Poppa squeaks past Ball and Biscuit. In short though, the Stripes are sweeping the rest behind the strength of their collection as a whole, "Elephant" as album, and the fact that they were an integral part of the soundtrack of my late 20s and early 30s.
FINAL SCORE: WHITE STRIPES 7 ~ NOTORIOUS B.I.G. 2

(5) Red Hot Chili Peppers vs. (12) Aerosmith. Aerosmith jumps out to a lead by winning the Song, as "Dream On" defeats "Under the Bridge" (I had a bitch of a time here, with "Scar Tissue", "Snow", "Apache Rose Peacock" and others in the running), but the Peppers run the table and turn this into a blowout by way of Album (Stadium Arcadium), Collection, Connection, and Impact, which I debated, but stand by.
FINAL SCORE: RHCP 8 ~ AEROSMITH 1 

(3) Bon Jovi vs.  (14) Counting Crows. Pump your fists New Jersey, you got yourself a clean sweep.
FINAL SCORE: BON JOVI 9 ~ COUNTING CROWS 0

(6) Black Crowes vs. (11) Metallica. From the top, Metallica takes the prize for Collection. Barely, but they do. Crowes claim Album, as Amorica narrowly defeats Metallica (Black Album) - which I never thought was as good as Justice...For All till I really considered it. Personal connection goes to the Crowes, namely for "Wiser Time" and all it's meant to me. With an assist from Mariano Rivera, "Enter Sandman" is declared the head to head song victor. We're at an even 4-4 score going into Historical Impact, and I think it's safe to say, we have our first somewhat big upset.
FINAL SCORE: METALLICA 5 ~ BLACK CROWES 4

(7) Stevie Wonder vs. (10) The Who. Fans of the British Conference are furious at The Who's seeding here. But they should be glad that they weren't set up for the upset. Damaged by a piss poor performance at the Super Bowl - the absurdity of singing "My Generation" when you can collect social security checks, and the tie-in to the CSI Franchise, they haven't done themselves many favors of late. Still, an intriguing matchup as they're able to claim personal connection despite all that (credit my own British Invasion of 1996-1999, who cares if it was 30 years too late), and the Song by way of "Baba O'Reilly". But on the strength of his own historical impact, the landmark album Songs in the Key of Life, and a better overall collection even if there's a little too much fluff, Stevie Wonder clinches this one.
FINAL SCORE: STEVIE WONDER 6 ~ THE WHO 3

(2) Guns N Roses vs. (15) Weezer. Initially I gave Weezer the credit for Entire Catalogue, reason being they're still making albums, while GNR mailed it in after Use Your Illusions II - and Illusions I wasn't that special anyway. Then I thought about it, I listened to some select tracks all over again, and realized Weezer's entire collection doesn't even match up to the B-Side of GNR Lies - to say nothing of Illusions II and Appettite For Destruction. Given all that, it's no surprise that this is a shutout.
FINAL SCORE: GUNS N ROSES 9 ~ WEEZER 0

-----------------------

When Round Two of the Region begins sometime next week, the matchups will be:
(1) Bob Dylan v (9) Jack Johnson
(4) White Stripes v (5) Red Hot Chili Peppers
(3) Bon Jovi v (11) Metallica
(2) Guns N Roses v (7) Stevie Wonder

At first glance it looks very favorable for the big seeds and that 4/5 matchup is tasty, going to have to send Gus Johnson to call that one. Can Metallica ride "Enter Sandman" to pull off the upset? Will Jack Johnson avoid a shutout? Does the winner of the Stripes/Peppers game have the ability to make a run at the prohibitive favorite? Who wins out between the blind versus the bat-shit crazy?


Next up is the Liverpool Region, here's the updated bracket