In a Boy's Dream: The State of the Union

As I write this, I'm sure the President is hard at work, looking into a mirror and practicing thinking about the audience in their undergarments, trying to nail down his third State of the Union. I'm sure the speech will be everything the pundits and the people expect. There will be promises to work together, gentle scoldings about political discourse, the annual pledge to keep Social Security safe and the required "brave men and women in uniform" applause lines. There might be a surprise or two, but really, I fully expect this SOTU to look much like the last 2. Or the last 10, just a lot more intelligent. 

But I can dream, right? In a perfect world, wouldn't the State of the Union 2011 sound something like this?

Thank You. Thank You. Mr. Vice President, Speaker Boner, Members of Congress both old and -uggh-new, Supreme Corporate Justices, Feel-good-Barbara-Walters-story-in-the-making guests of the First Lady...the State of Our Union is Fucked. 

I was watching television Sunday Morning and the new House Majority Leader, Eric Cantor, while graciously  letting the public know that he "thinks" I'm a citizen, said it wasn't right to say those who think otherwise were "crazy". I believe Mr. Cantor said something along the lines of how it's simply not nice to call people crazy. While I'm sure that Manny Ramirez, Tom Cruise, and the folks who believe Jesus walked with dinosaurs appreciate the Majority leader's compassion, I had to ask myself, "Are you shitting me?" 

A little more than 2 years into my Presidency and you ignorant morons are still convinced I'm a Kenyan Born Muslim that spend the last 15 years of my life at the altar of a radical black separatist Christian reverend.

On top of all of that, you think I'm a Communist when my continual handouts to big business probably represent the biggest blow job in modern Presidential History. Yes Monica, even bigger than yours.

You people complain that I'm not tough enough on China when, after 8 years of your leadership, you fostered a financial environment conducive to China not only taking our jobs, but financing our mere existence, because as you know, wars don't pay for themselves. Neither do tax cuts. 

Speaking of wars, to our Brave Men and Women in Uniform (raucous applause), I'm sorry. Because I'm a Democrat, I have an uncontrollable urge to whip it out measure it. So I had to quadruple down on Afghanistan. 

Sure, I was nominated by the strongest grassroots effort in American electoral history by a bunch of educated people who believed that true national security comes in the form of energy independence and seeing to it that those in impoverished corners of the globe are fed, educated and working instead of working out sweetheart deals with their corrupt governments. 

While I agree with them in principle, the reality is too many powerful people in this country, along with an educationally-stunted-by-design majority of Americans just want to blow shit up. 

Since this is an official State of the Union Address, I'm required by the PATRIOT ACT to say the following phrase: September the Eleventh, Two Thousand One. We remember that horrible day like it was yesterday. For many of us, time has failed to heal those wounds. For those of you who answered the call that day, we care about your well-being. Just not as much as we do tax cuts for Bill Gates. 

We must never forget how we were savagely attacked by Saudi and Egyptian Nationals, and how we had no choice but to ensure that Iraq and Afghanistan got just what they deserved.

Almost a decade later, there's no end in sight to our misguided quest for revenge. Oh, and did I already mention these trillion-dollar adventures were funded by China? Even though a return to 2000's tax code would have both paid for these wars AND true health care reform?

Speaking of health care reform, much to the dismay of my party's base, I tried to listen to the opposition party and work together to find middle ground. While my proposal was not nearly as liberal as those of card-carrying Communists like Dwight Eisenhower and Richard Nixon, I thought basically copying and pasting the proposal of a moderate Socialist like Comrade Bob Dole would be a reasonable compromise. Boy was I wrong.

Never again will I underestimate the American People's desire to be a slave to an HMO. Never again will I argue against the fundamental Right To Deny Coverage Based On Pre-Existing Conditions. Upon further review of the Constitution, I now see what you're talking about: The government has absolutely no right to prevent a lunatic from owning a nuclear warhead, but how dare we say you must be insured.

While I'm in the habit of throwing in the towel, let's move to the environment. My opponent in the last election was an advocate of a cap and trade system. But that's a little too pinko radical for most of you. Especially those of you convinced that there is no climate crisis because Jesus loves the earth too much to let anything bad happen to it. So let's abandon those solar and windmill plants that not only create working class jobs, but also protect our environment AND have the added bonus of weening ourselves off of Al Qaeda's oil. Go back to buying Hummers. Class Dismissed. 

I'd like to think that this divergent opinion on how the nation should be governed was just the demented musings of an aging slice of the electorate, clinging to their outdated belief structure and unable to come to grips with the fact that their President is named Barack Hussein Obama. And maybe it is. But you know what? Those loony old white folks voted last November. The rest of you didn't.

So we turn the page to a new election cycle. Another 12 months of hearing how I'm a foreign national that worships at the altar of Marx and Lenin, while the fringe on the other side talks about Blood Libel. I could easily get the band back together, write up some pretty speeches and throw a brand new slogan about change or progress your way, but really, what's the point? Change isn't supposed to be easy, but you people want it to be. You don't have the stomach for this fight, I don't have the patience. So I will not be seeking re-election. Enjoy President Mama Grizzly. 

Thank You, Good night. And God will Bless America when America decides to stop acting like a petulant little bastard.

Beer Review #0002: Otter Creek Stovepipe Porter

OTTER CREEK STOVEPIPE PORTER

Brewer: Otter Creek Brewing (Middlebury, VT)

Type: Porter

ABV: 5.4% 

Six Pack: $7.49

I like to admit my bias upfront: I friggin LOVE Otter Creek. I've never had a bad beer from OC and just about everyone of them ranks near "Best in Class" in my mind. Which is another thing that separates me from the so-called connoisseurs, who generally don't give their work good marks.  

Having said that, the Stovepipe Porter is probably the OC brew I've drank the least. The connotations that come along with "Porter" often psyche me out: A thick, hearty concoction best drank on cold evenings to ensure a lovely warm slumber. I'm doing my best to fight off that prejudice though, because a porter is a wonderful elixir and I'm going to do my damnedest to work them into the rotation.

As noted, I'm not that big on color but for what it's worth, this poured pretty black and settled a tad bit lighter. Looked thick enough to be serious though. It's head wasn't too overbearing but just substantial enough. But again, I'm not in the business of admiring the color, I'm all about making sure the glass ends up transparent. 

 

First thing I noticed after sip numero uno was this was hoppier than I expected a Porter to be. Once again, a good thing. Me like a the Hop. Also had a bit of a chocolatey-caramel taste to it, but not so much that it was overbearing like I was drinking liquified Snickers. I dug it. 

As far as how it went down, a little bit easier than I anticipated. It was hearty enough but not to the point of "Crap, I'm full". And like many beers, each sip gulp went down easier and easier. The last sip of each glass seemed to be the sweetest. The aftertaste - a term that conjures up some pretty negative imagery - was actually quite enjoyable. Like a band of chocolate dwarves doing somersaults in my mouth.  As I moved on through the sixer, I became more and more relaxed, though not drowsy.

As noted, I'm hardly a Porter expert so I really don't have too many points of comparison, at least not recent ones, but I'll absolutely recommend this to anybody who may share my occasional reservations about Porters. It seems it's smack in the middle of the spectrum of Porters in terms of ABV, so it's neither too weak or too debilitating. And there's certainly nothing wrong with the taste. Once again, The Creek delivers.

My final report card (numbered stats on a scale of 1-10): 

Bang For The Buck: 5. Middle of the road, though about 50 cents cheaper than other porters.

Taste: 7. Erring on the side of caution, as I can't compare it to the Porter field. But I enjoyed it. 

Drinkability: 8. Which is probably a very high mark for it's class. 

1 Makes You Feel: Content

3 Make You Feel: Reflective

6 Make You Feel: Like putting your arm around a shorter man and telling him that he's the shit, and then listing all the reasons why. 

Ideal Musical Companion: Johnny Cash's American IV: The Man Comes Around. Lotta good introspective tracks, though you'll be more inclined to cry during Danny Boy.

Ideal Cheeseburger: Shared plate of Sliders, with a sharp cheese like cheddar or Swiss. The beer is somewhat filling, a 900 calorie monster burger might be enough to lull you to sleep.

If this beer was an athlete, it'd be: David Ortiz. You might be intimidated by the appearance, and if you get stupid, you'll end up in trouble. But don't be scared, it's actually quite easy to handle.

Top 25 Power Ballads: #15 - 11

We're at the half-way point of the countdown. Usually the time where I start thinking what's the next useless waste of time countdown I'll come up with in my own head and spend way too many hours debating. But for the most part, we're moving onto the legendary stage of the list. Rock on.

If you need a refresher:

#25 - #21

#20 - #16

#15: THE BALLAD OF JAYNE, L.A. Guns (1990) Oh hair bands singing about untimely death. I admit, I'm a sucker for them. This ain't the first on the countdown, and it's not the last. The saddest part about this song though isn't the story being told, but rather how Tracii Guns became the 1980's version of Pete Best to Slash's Ringo. I don't watch music videos anymore, primarily because I'm pretty sure they're extinct, but do singers still clench their fists when the camera focuses on them?

#14: WIND OF CHANGE, Scorpions (1990). I miss the Cold War. And don't lie, you do too. This whole ambiguous war-on-terror hasn't lent itself to any great contributions to pop culture. There is no Rocky IV or Red Dawn. Sorry, Hurt Locker blew. But this...The Wind of Change. ICONIC. Regardless of your political leanings, you can't help but get chills down your back. The video? Ehh. I could do without the Pope and George Bush The Elder. But you can't change history.

#13: I WON'T FORGET YOU, Poison (1987) Hands down, Poison's most under-rated track ever. You could argue I'm under-rating it by denying it a place in the top 10 but let's just say there's plenty more of Brett, Ricki, CC and Bobby to come. I know Poison, and Brett Michaels are kind of looked at as a bit of a joke these days, and within reason. Many might consider them the poster-children for the Glam Band Era. And I do too, but for a different reason: Like the age itself, Poison is infinitely greater than it's given credit for. 

#12: I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU, Bon Jovi, 1988 I consider this track to be Richie Sambora's coming out party. No, I'm not talking about that type of coming out. This is a man who was happily involved with Cher. OK, bad example. Moving along. The insanely under appreciated opening guitar riff is one thing, but what's always stood out to me was the "Woman you know my hands are dirty" line he backs up JBJ with.

Side note to Jon though: Not there when she was happy OR down AND you missed her birthday? Forgive her if she finds your promise To Be There For Her to be shallow at best. 

#11: THE FLAME, Cheap Trick (1988) Like their predecessors on the list, Def Leppard and Aerosmith, Cheap Trick enjoyed a storied pre-Hair Band career. They certainly don't belong as a group in the same classification with a majority of these artists. But listen to "The Flame". There's no mistaking the fact that this is a Class A Power Ballad. And a great one at that. When I think of the summer of 1988, I think of the McDLT, Michael Dukakis, "The Flame" and Eric Carmen's "Make Me Lose Control". (Another great tune but I didn't feel like it qualified)

Next week, we bring out the Big Guns and move into the Top Ten. Many repeat artists, but there's three that haven't shown up on the list just yet. Including one that I cringe to put into this classification. I'm not trying to give anything away. Just asking for a little pa....

Timberland List Thursday: 1/20/10

Another week, the 1714th of my life, in the books, another 10 people, places or things that I humbly suggest deserve a figurative kick in the shins with some hefty Timberland boots...

#10. The Ricky Gervais Haters. I'll preface this by saying I don't think I've watched more than 30 continuous minutes of an award show since the 2 Live Crew performed Banned in the USA at the 1990 Video Music Awards. And I didn't catch this year's Golden Globes either. I did however, see a neatly prepared 3 minute news package on Gervais' alleged insulting miscues and I laughed my ass off. He called out a bunch of people who've made hundreds of millions of dollars taking themselves way too seriously. Enough with the victim treatment.

#9. Facebook Re-Posters. You know who I'm talking about. (Relative, Occupation, or Disease) is so super (great/bad) that everybody should (honor/fight) them. 90% of you won't have the (guts/balls) to repost this if you agree. Enough. We get it. We all love our moms, sisters and troops and we all hate cancer and terrorists. We just don't like being told to do so or having our integrity on such issues/people challenged. Repost if you agree with me.

#8. Antrelle Rolle. He'd rather get his toes sucked by Rex Ryan than get yelled at for missing tackle after tackle by Tom Coughlin. That's his prerogative. The funny thing is, he took more money than anyone at his position has ever taken to play for Coughlin, and it's not as if Coughlin's coaching style became some revelation this past July. Shut up and play. And if you played up to your contract, I'd have ranked you higher. 

#7. The House Of Representatives. A week after agreeing that discourse must become more civil in America, they propose, vote on and pass the "Repeal of the Job Killing Health Care Law". Even though a majority opposes. Even though it kills no jobs. What kind of outrage would we have if, upon taking power in 2007, Pelosi's House voted on "Repeal of the Troop and Civilian Killing War Powers Act". At least that would be factually accurate, no? 

#6. Brian Cashman. Yankees GM offered a 1 year contract to Carl Pavano. For anyone wondering what's wrong with that, it would be the sports equivalent of Tina Turner proposing to remarry Ike. But I guess you can't blame him for chasing the dream of rebuilding my 2002 Fantasy Baseball team with Pavano, Andruw Jones and Mark Prior (to say nothing of Jorge Posada). 

#5. Peter King. Not the SI writer, who's miraculously avoided a Listing for 3 straight weeks. Republican from New York takes control of the House Committee on Homeland Security and decides it's a suddenly a great idea to investigate Muslims. A proud heir to the lineage of Joe McCarthy and Joseph Goebbels. 

#4. TLC. The Learning Channel announced that it will be devoting a week of programing to the British Royal Family in anticipation of whatever wedding they're having this spring. Just what we need on TV: more crap. Call me old fashioned, but I'm of the mindset that these dipshits became irrelevant the minute the Magna Carta was signed. 

#3. American Idol. It's baaaaaaack. More glorified karaoke that will find a way to invade just about every casual conversation you're going to have over the next couple of months, coupled with the crowning of "The Next Great Artist" who's name you'll forget by the 4th of July and may run into playing the county fair in 5 years. 

#2. Pope Benedict XVI. Yeah. I'm not a fan of his. Recently he announced that the Church was proceeding with the Canonization of Pope John Paul II-putting the old bugger on the fast track to Sainthood. To be formally recognized as a "Saint", evidence must be provided that the candidate was responsible for performing a Miracle. I wonder if Benny and his jets consider the ability to be adored worldwide while being the official head of a global pedophilia ring to be "Miraculous"? 

#1. Alabama Governor Robert Bentley. I went into detail about this Good Ol' Boy yesterday so I'm not going to get myself worked up again. But know this - his words and actions are by design, and don't buy any of these faux apologies coming out of his office. His ilk simply doesn't consider anyone who doesn't share their distorted "values" as their equal or countrymen. 

That's a wrap on this week. May you thoroughly enjoy the conclave of rapists and toesuckers on the Monongahela River this weekend.

Beer Review #0001: Dale's Pale Ale

So recently it dawned on me that I display "Beer" right smack in the middle of the masthead (does a google-based template even qualify as a masthead?) - yet aside from a few references to my love of the oat soda, I really don't get too much into beer specifically. That ends now with my first in a Thousand Series of the Whiskey Tree Beer Reviews. 

But this isn't going to be some snobby Beer Advocate style review where I moan about the fruitcentric forwardness and how it spoiled my pairing with lox and bruschetta, or the abysmal addition of sulfates that upset me so much that I left my wife. Nah. Just a simple regular man's guide to beer. Basics only.

The question is not whether or not I can find 1,000 beers to review. The question as with everything else in my life is, Will I follow through?

DALE'S PALE ALE

Brewer: Oskar Blues Brewery (Lyons, CO)

Type: Pale Ale

ABV: 6.5% 

Six Pack: $8.49

I've seen Dale's in the beer coolers for years but was always turned off by my most basic of beer prejudices: The Can. Then on Christmas Eve, my wife and I met up with some friends at our old neighborhood pub and Dale's happened to be on tap. Andy's Corner Bar (Bogota, NJ) is renowned in the Northeast for it's craft beer selection, and the staff there is more knowledgeable about beer than Augustus Busch himself, and I was assured, quite bluntly, that the lingering can taste was "in my head" and Dale's would be a worthy purchase.

I don't know that canphobia is necessarily a mental hangup. I enjoy a Budweiser on tap, and I love a Budweiser in a nice cold bottle after mowing the lawn. But Bud in a can? I'm gagging just thinking of it. Then again, maybe those are some Cats in the Cradle issues I need to deal with separately.

So I picked up the sixer of Dales and figured I'd see if I could tackle the can issues. Of course, I poured it directly into a pint glass - but I do that with most beers anyway - bottle, can, tap, anything but a good .40 oz.

If you care about color, this was kinda copper-redish. Honestly, I don't keep up on what constitutes what hue of a drink I'm about to devour. It's a beer, not an accent for the curtains.

The most notable aspect of the pour was that the head was pretty small. To me, that's a good thing. There was no outburst of fizz from the can either, for whatever it was worth. Despite these symptoms, the taste was anything but flat. Nice and crisp with some lingering hops in the aftertaste, a little hoppier than most Pale Ales, but that's fine by me. Actually, it's a bonus in my mind.

Pale Ale is one of my favorite types of beer. Generally go down easy and they pack a solid-but-not-debilitating punch. But this went down super quick. I remember saying to my brother in law "Wow, that's the fastest i've ever drank a six pack of 6% or better beer". And it showed.

A couple of hours later, in 20 degree weather, we were walking 2 miles to the liquor store to load up on light beer.

My final report card (scale of 1-10): 

Bang For The Buck: 6. Average price, slightly above average punch

Taste: 8. About average for a Pale.

Drinkability: 10. Super Smooth. 

1 Makes You Feel: Happy 

3 Make You Feel: Excited 

6 Make You Feel: Like Solving the World's Problems

Ideal Musical Companion: Dave Matthews Band Live at Central Park 

Ideal Cheeseburger: Classic American Cheese with lettuce, tomato and raw onion 

If this beer was an athlete, it'd be: Allen Iverson. You're turned off by the appearance, but you look a little deeper and appreciate it's greatness.

In Birmingham They Love The Governor

I'd be even more pissed about this if I actually considered Alabama part of the 50 states, but even in spite of my reluctance to do so, boy does this grind my gears something fierce. New Alabama Governor Robert Bentley (I'll let you guess his party affiliation) thinks it's completely normal, standard operating procedure for a governor to tell his state, and the rest of the nation, that he does not consider those who have not accepted Jesus Christ as his "brother or sister".

This is acceptable why?

Look, you can have your own religious beliefs, that's as fundamental a constitutional right as it apparently is to own a semi-automatic assault weapon. That's not the point. The point is such divisive talk has no business coming from a freely elected public official, in Alabama or anywhere else within our borders. Of course, there was a half-assed retraction issued by the governor's office not long after the remarks were made, but you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.

Let's not kid ourselves - this statement was made on purpose, it was by design with the intent of more clearly defining what the right wing likes to call a "culture war" but in reality is just their most basic tool in their tool-shed of electoral dominance. I've said more times that I can count that the only way for the Republicans to survive - let alone thrive - is to convince (cough: white) people to continually vote against their own economic interests.

And really, should we expect anything less on the sensitivity front from a Good Ol' Boy who was attending the University of Alabama in 1963?

 

Crazy bible thumping white folks eat this shit up like deep fried Twinkies at the Calhoun County Fair. When they're not insinuating that people "like" Barack Obama "share your values" or "aren't really American", they're forging code altogether and bluntly telling you that if you're not a gay-hatin' contraception-bannin' science-denying Christian like themselves, Alabama is not yours, the United States of America is not yours.

Divisive, dangerous rhetoric doesn't always involve marksman targets. Sometimes the best place to hide your hate is in plain sight.

Top 25 Power Ballads: #20 - 16

It's a nice and balmy 8 degrees in Northern New Jersey on this lovely Friday morning. Just one of those beautiful days that makes you want to forget about politics for a while and focus on the lighter side of life. Since there's still about 8 hours before it's acceptable to get into my flip-flops, pop a Corona and chill on my deck, I figure there's no better time than now to resume the celebration of 1986's Silver Anniversary with the Top 25 Power Ballads of All Time...

#20: WITHOUT YOU, Motley Crue (1989). For some reason, SONY Records has removed every single Motley Crue video on YouTube. If you own stock in Sony, and the Crue is their bread and butter, the asset they must protect at all costs, I highly recommend you bail immediately. It was a little presumptuous of Nikki Sixx to craft a love letter from Tommy Lee to Heather Locklear though, don't ya think? Maybe there was a little Clapton/Harrison/Layla action going on in Crueland.

#19: LIVING IN SIN, Bon Jovi (1988).  The suspense is over. The Boys from Sayreville make their debut on the rundown with their first of four entries. I can't get enough of "Sin". I remember the Catholic Church getting their dresses in a knot over the fact that the band used imagery of the Blessed Sacrament in the video - for a song that advocated the most heinous of crimes...Cohabitation. Don't ya think that effort woulda been spent more wisely worrying about all their priests that were Living In Sin in the late 80s?

#18: WHAT IT TAKES, Aerosmith(1989). The one and only appearance for Aerosmith - who doesn't neccessarily fit the definition of a "Hair Band" based on their work both before and after this glorious era we speak of, but if the high heeled boot fits, wear it.

#17: SOMETIMES SHE CRIES, Warrant (1989). Man, in 7th Grade, I would have bet big money on Warrant being the next Rolling Stones.I also would have bet heavily that Ronald Reagan would go down as one of the best Presidents ever. I was much closer with Warrant.

#16: LOVE BITES, Def Leppard (1987). Much like Aerosmith, Def Leppard had a storied career before the Aqua-Net Age, but unlike them, they didn't quite survive the rise of grunge. I was shocked to find out that "Love Bites" was their only song to ever hit #1 on Billboard. I guess the Billboard guys don't frequent strip clubs because "Pour Some Sugar On Me" easily has to be considered the defining Def Leppard song. It's just a shame that 24 years later, we still don't have an answer to the age-old question: When you make love, do you look in the mirror? 

I'm also reminded of the most F'ed up question I ever heard on the old "Remote Control" game show (AKA: MTV's last original and quality program): "How many mittens would it take to cover the hands of all five members of Def Leppard"

Timberland List Thursday: 1/13/10

 

 In an attempt to tone down the rhetoric I'm officially changing the definition of the Timerland List to "people deserving of a swift kick to the SHINS with Timerland boots". There, I've done my part. To a degree. I'll do more of my part shortly when I formally List some, but not all, of the people who disgraced themselves in Tuscon this week.

Honestly, I could go on and on about the terrorist attack - and I have to a degree - but the President's uplifting address last night provided, in my opinion, a perfect launching point to move on, to pledge to never forget the lives lost, to keep the wounded in our thoughts and (if it's your thing) prayers, and to honor the heroes of the tragedy, of which there are many. And since it's Thursday, I can't think of a better return to Normalcy than the Timberland List. Those new to the List can check last week's entry to see exactly what it entails.

#10. NBC Entertainment. More specifically, whoever decided that the Thursday Night sitcoms didn't need to return last Thursday or this Thursday. It's bad enough you postponed Parks and Recreation till midseason so you can shove your insensitive and poorly timed Outsourced down our throats, but now you're 2 weeks behind the rest of the network January reboots? How much longer must I wait for Ron Bleeping Swanson?!?!?!?!?!?

#9. Pandora. Bob Dylan. Led Zepplin. Woodie Guthrie. Green Day. Guns N' Roses. The Beatles. The Grateful Dead. Springsteen. Simon & Garfunkel. Hendrix. This is a sampling of the artists which I have either "Liked" or "Requested" over the last year on Pandora. So why, might I ask, do you keep spamming me with commercials every 5 songs alerting me to a special pre-sale for the New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys at Madison Square Garden? You have a better chance of selling me smallpox.

#8. The New Orleans Saints. I don't bet on that many football games. I'll throw a small amount of money in the account every September and play around, nothing crazy, rarely make it to Columbus Day. This year was ok, found a couple bucks sitting in the account at the end of the year, and figured hey, might as well double it before withdrawing on the Defending Super Bowl Champs against The Worst Team To Ever Make The Playoffs. Nope. Any Given Sunday, Ed can get screwed. Silver lining though is this awesome re-cut of Marshawn Lynch's run.

#7. Oil Investors. I despise Energy trading. I'm in no way, shape or form even remotely qualified to offer even the slightest of investment advice, but Christ, the whole notion of betting on people needing vital resources and driving up those prices just seems like something so evil and inhumane that it would give Dick Cheney a chubby. I should not be paying $3.09 per gallon in January. 

#6. Antonio Cromartie. Dipshit New York Jets corner back revs up the nonsensical rhetoric calling Tom Brady an asshole. Great. More useless chatter. Forget about the fact that I tend to agree with him for a second, what I can not fathom for the life of me is why the entire Jets franchise, from their footsniffin' coach to their class-lackin' fans need to raise the bar to the point where anything short of a Super Bowl championship is considered an abysmal failure? I've never seen a team that's won so little talk so much. And they're going to look like even bigger dipshits Sunday when the Pats wipe their behinds with them. Also, bonus T-List points for forcing me to root for the Patriots.

#5. The Jersey Shore. It's baaaaaaack. So your facebook feed will now be littered with updates about grenades and laundry. Maybe I'm missing something, because I know way too many smart people who eat this shit up like a $4.99 Prime Rib Buffet, but if I wanted to spend 30 minutes with some Class A Douchebags, I'd just go out in public more often.  

#4. LeBron James. No backstory needed on what became of the Cleveland Cavaliers once The King vacated his thrown to go play Robin. LeBron left his hometown team, the fans that made him the most beloved athlete in a generation and they were naturally pissed (and a pitiful excuse for a pro basketball team). He takes out a full page add in Akron thanking them for their support throughout the first 7 years of his career, but what does he tweet when the Lakers practically double up the Cavs the other night? 

@KingJames Crazy. Karma is a b****.. Gets you every time. Its not good to wish bad on anybody. God sees everything!  

You stay Classy LeBron!!!!!! He just doesn't get it. Maybe it's time for another useless elaborate Nike commercial. Loser.

#3. Speaker John Boehner. Now we get a bit serious. The new Speaker of the House was invited to the memorial service in Tucson, Arizona last night. The President of the United States offered him a seat on Air Force One with other national and Arizonan Dignataries. But no, the 3rd Person in line for the Presidency declined so he could stay back and host a RNC Fundraiser. You could almost pinch your nose and deal with it if you're the Minority Leader. Or the Majority Leader. But Speaker of the House is supposed to transcend all of this. An absolute utter disgrace that made his opening, emotional statement to the House earlier that morning seem as phony as his tan.

#2. Sarah Palin. There's really nothing more to say about her that I, or countless others, haven't said already. But if you really want to juxtapose Obama's America against Palin's America, yesterday was all you needed to see. I'm sick of talking about this asshole, so I'm going to let Politico's Jonathan Martin sum it up: 

At sunrise in the east on Wednesday, Sarah Palin demonstrated that she has little interest—or capacity—in moving beyond her brand of grievance-based politics. And at sundown in the west, Barack Obama reminded even his critics of his ability to rally disparate Americans around a message of reconciliation.

#1. Jared Lee Loughner. Make no mistake, Loughner is the real culprit in this unspeakable tragedy. We can - and we should - debate our gun laws, our tone, our own basic human civility as a result of this terrorist attack. But we must never lose light of the fact that this deranged psychopath fired thirty shots that murdered Christina Taylor Green,  The Honorable John Roll, Gabe Zimmerman, Dorwin Stoddard, Dorothy Murray, and Phyllis Scheck, and left 11 others injured. This monster's name must live in infamy with the names of the most heinous of terrorists that have spilled blood in this country, including Osama bin Laden, Eric Rudolph and Timothy McVeigh. Regardless of the rhetoric or gun laws, nobody but Loughner is responsible for pulling that trigger.  

Attacking the Belly of the Beast?

Late last night (though most people would call 8:30 early) my phone vibrated and I got an emailed response to yesterday's posting "Not the Time For Kumbaya" (you can read it at the bottom). 

Not only am I more than gracious for the time the responder, Rich Cutrona, took to read the post, and the well thought out, articulate point of view he chose to take, I'm equally grateful for the light-bulb that he seemed to turn on in my head, and hopefully yours. Rich concludes with the following: 

However, because we live in America, I still have the ability to make a choice. I choose to fight with and for those who would fight for me. I choose ethics, social justice, and environmental responsibility. I will do everything within my power to aid in the creation of a left of center, progressive political party free from the shackles of corporate plutocracy. I will choose and vote Green. Never again will I sit back and be complicit in the lethal status quo…………………………. never again.

I'm not going to rehash the eternal battle that takes place between my heart (Green) and my head (Democrat). I registered as a Democrat on November 4, 2004 - the day after George W Bush beat John Kerry - who basically wrote the antithesis of another Democratic Massachusetts Senator and Presidential Candidate and called it "Profiles in Cowardice". My line of thinking was if I'm going to vote for this party, I'm going to have a say in this party. 

I'd be extremely generous if I were to say the results were mixed at best.

Moving away from that debate though, what Rich said struck a nerve. Sure, most of us on the political left would love a thoughtful, respectful, intelligent, diverse and socially conscious answer to the Tea Party: a united national network and a platform to air our grievances as one voice. Many of us thought we had that in 2008 but those we empowered squandered their political capitol faster than a gutter drunk at a blackjack table.

Too fast too soon? Maybe. A true Green Grassroots effort has always seemed like it's been percolating near the surface of the political establishment but utterly incapable of breaking through into the mainstream. I'm starting to think that the ultimate failures are a result of misplaced ambition. Simply put: We're a bunch of Junior Varsity Quarterbacks attempting to make the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Be it Ned Lamont defeating - then losing to - Joe Lieberman in Connecticut, or the near upset of Blanche Lincoln in a useless attempt to retain the Arkansas Senate seat in a toxic environment (or even Ralph Nader's eternal quest for 3% of the presidential vote), we're bypassing the foundation: The House of Representatives.

Using the Tea Party as a top-of-the-head example: they carried the GOPricks to an overwhelming House Majority, yet in turn, thanks to batshit crazy lunatics like Christine O'Donnell and Sharon Angle, cost the Republicans what should have been a Senate Majority. (To say nothing of the scorn and unreliability they now face with Lisa Murkowski in Alaska).

I don't have the numbers in front of me, but a substantial number of Senators got their start in the House of Representatives. By design, a House seat is extremely easier to pick off from an incumbent than a Senate seat. The past few electoral cycles alone have seen double digit swings in seats for both parties. It's much more volatile.

Furthermore - and this is where Rich's words truly resonated - where better to launch the offensive than in conservative districts of blue states? I'll point directly to my home district: New Jersey's 5th. Represented by the uber right wing warrior Scott Garrett, who never misses the opportunity to provide verbal and financial fellatio to the banks, gun nuts, pro-lifers and the rest of the Republican establishment.  

Granted, the NJ-5 is tailor made for Republican control. The extreme wealth of Upper Bergen County meets the Hunters Guild and Bitter White Man brigade of Sussex County and throw in all of the Rapture-anticipating Warren County and it's pretty safe to say Barry Goldwater's urn could take this Seat with 60% of the vote. 

Except it can't. In his first four elections, Garrett teetered between 55% - 59% of the vote. Impressive indeed. He hit 65% of the vote in this past election, the overwhelming Republican wave. But look a little deeper. In midterm years, he recorded 118,881 (2002), 112,11242 (2006), and 119,478 this year, 2010. All while running against completely unqualified, rather conservative and absolutely unfunded Democratic competition. I voted against Garrett in the three elections that I lived in the district and still had to look up the names of the people I voted for.

Yet this collection of misfits and losers managed to crack 40% in all but 2002. It's a seat that the GOP takes for granted and with good reason: the Democrats have completely abandoned it. Would this not be the place to start? Would a seemingly comfortable congressman like Garrett be much more inclined to be caught off guard than a Republican in a 50/50 district that forces both he or she and the Democratic candidate to run to the middle to the point of being indistinguishable?  

It's extremely Pollyanna to believe somebody like Bernie Sanders could win in NJ's 5th. Until you compare the demographics of Vermont to those of Northwest NJ. 

I do NOT believe that this is a question of "How?" 

It's a matter of "Who?"

Not the time for Kumbaya.

You knew it was going to come to this, didn't you? In the aftermath of the terrorist attack in Tucson that left six Americans dead and thirteen injured, the pleas are coming in by the boatload for everyone to "work together" and "respect our differences" and a whole grab bag full of platitudes that would make Rodney King blush.

What the mainstream media and a sizable majority of those who've chimed in on various social networks are yet to either realize (or lack the courage to admit) is that this is not like 9/11, or Hurricane Katrina, or the Haitian Earthquake or any other tragic event that required humanity to rise to the occasion. Not in the least.

We still don't know all of the details about what accused terrorist Jared Loughner had going in on his obviously twisted head. We're not privy to whatever sick inspirations took hold of him and forced him to act as he did. But what we do know is that Tea-Party inspired violence, both threatened and carried out, has been escalating sharply over the last two years, in the aftermath of the election of a black man with an Arabic name who has the audacity to prohibit Big Insurance from denying health-care coverage based on preexisting conditions.

If you want an actual, chronological rundown of the insanity, you can find two very comprehensive ones here and here. But if you've been paying even the slightest bit of attention for the last 20 months or so, you don't need a rundown in front of you to know exactly what I'm talking about. 

Is there any doubt in your mind that the Sarah Palins and Michelle Bachmans and Jim DeMints and Glen Becks of the world weren't pissing their pants in anxiety waiting for a connection between Loughner and a formal Tea Party organization? Be honest - what was your first reaction when you heard the news? I know mine. I texted my family "Tea Party shot a Congresswoman (D-WA)". And you know what? I ain't going to apologize for making such a claim. Even if Rush Limbaugh didn't specifically pull the trigger. 

Loughner may not have been a died-in-the wool Tea Party activist (after all, he was at one point intelligent enough to be admitted to community college, and he's too young for adult diapers) but make no mistake - it was the Tea Party's demonizing of the institution of Congress that made Gabrielle Giffords a viable target for his rage.

This is why these phony calls for "tolerance" and "working together" are an insult to everybody who never advocated bringing a loaded weapon to events where the President of the United States was speaking. If I steal my neighbor's car and he calls the police on me, should my defense be "Well I guess we need to learn how to be better neighbors?" 

Make no mistake about it: The vitriol from the Left for George W Bush was just as bad as the Right's for Barack Obama. I actually saw a bumper sticker on some yokel's pickup that made me laugh not that long ago: "I'll Treat Your President with the Same Respect You Treated Mine". That's fair. I'm not going to stoop to the level of the Iraqi babykilling yellow ribbon crowd and throw a faux "Love it or Leave It!" in their faces. I don't expect everyone in America to share my beliefs and I would never deny somebody their birthright to be pissed off at the state of the world.

But can you point me in the direction of those Republican Congressional Headquarters that were vandalized during the Iraq debate? 

Can you let me hear the voicemails that called Colin Powell a "filthy N-Word" when he committed the second major war crime in his life? 

Do you have footage of any liberals acting like Ritalin-deprived bipolar kindergartners throwing hissy fits at Tom DeLay's town hall meetings? 

The sentiments may be the same but the threat level is greatly different. I'm surprised it took this long for the violence to escalate to this point. Anybody who begs and pleads for more tolerance in our political discourse is not doing anybody any favors. Say what you want about Obama and the Democrats - they're soft, spineless, timid - I've said it all - you can't call them dangerous, threatening or violent. 

Violence and Hatred is not a bipartisan problem and should not be treated as such until liberals start opening fire on the Tea Party. Now is not the time for bipartisan come-together-lovie-dovie bullshit. It's time for the conservatives to start acting like mature, civilized, decent human beings.

Jon Kyl shoots the Messenger

Two blowhard conservatives from the great state of Arizona are crying about Pima County Sheriff Clarence Dupnik's candid, and let's face it: accurate description of the tone and pulse of the Tea Party.

We've been down this road before, going all the way back to the infancy of the Obama Administration when Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage had the audacity to suggest they were being picked on by the Department of Homeland Security when they issued a warning about escalating recruitment among radical right wing terrorist organizations.

For a group of people who love to preach about personal responsibility and accountability, they sure do get their panties in a bunch the minute you call them out on the carpet. You don't need a PhD in Psychology to realize that the right wing groups have been pushing the envelope with insinuating that violence just might be the answer. This isn't even about guns. I've never been one to get involved in the gun control debate, I believe criminals will have them whether they're legal or not. 

This is about veiled references to the violent overthrow of the government and a phony attempt to lay claim to the heritage of the American Revolution. As if the founding fathers were a bunch of abortion clinic bombers. This happens every time a Democrat is in office. Timmy McVeigh, anyone? 

America's Terrorists

These are the words of a close, brilliant and articulate friend of mine. I'm still unable to process this terrorist attack without stooping to the level of the Tea Party terrorists responsible for this attack on our freedom and our way of life. Great thanks to Pork Chop for this...

The shooting spree in Arizona has really fucked with my head today.  I keep thinking to myself, is this the United States of America? A (D) congresswoman can't hold a town hall meeting on a street corner without fearing for her life and the lives of others who choose to participate in our democracy? Notice I specify (D) because this sort of violence never, ever comes from the left which truly needs to be addressed if we're going to have an honest discussion about the growth of terrorism on our own land.  Apparently this incident did not completely spring out of nowhere, Giffords office was one of the many that were vandalized after healthcare reform passed and Sarah Palin, queen of the rifle-toting douchebags targeted  Giffords for defeat in November by putting the Congresswoman in a rifle crosshairs graphic on her SarahPAC website. Palin expressed her condolences for the congresswoman and her family today, she can shove that insincere bullshit straight up her ass as far as I'm concerned.

The judge who was killed ruled to hear a civil case brought by illegal immigrants against an Arizona rancher, soon after a conservative radio talk show host said and I quote,"We should kill him. He should be dead."

The next time someone shows up at a political rally with a sidearm or some asshole pundit decides it's a good idea to incite violence against elected officials we might want to take it a bit more seriously. I also urge people to really think hard about the people/parties they support, particularly on the right, because too many of them sound like the very terrorists they rail against day after day.
I still can't believe this shit actually happened.

I've Seen This Movie Before

Politico does a fantastic job this morning pointing out that President Obama's hiring of Bill Daley as his new, permanent, Chief of Staff is the last straw for the Left. I couldn't agree more. In November 2008, we thought we were getting a once in a lifetime, transformational Presidency. A 21st Century FDR if you will. But after 2 years and an electoral thumping, it's pretty clear that we're getting Bill Clinton 2.0. 

Politically speaking, the move makes sense. Try as we might to overstate our influence and importance, liberal ideology has been browbeaten by the Redneckification of America for the last 30 years. You can go back to Nixon's Southern Strategy. You can point to Ronald Reagan's brilliant demonizing of the word "Liberal" that worked so well that liberals had to start calling themselves Progressives. Forget about the fact that liberals ended slavery, extended the right to vote to women and guaranteed civil rights. To Joe The Plumber, the "L" word is more evil than the "N" word. Probably because Joe has no problem using the "N" Word. But that's another story. Not that I'd ever confuse him with Comrade Lenin, but it helps Obama shed the fabricated image that he's a Socialist Dictator.

Furthermore, while Obama lacks the Clintonian charm, he's vastly more liked personally. Clinton had a knack for empathy and an uncanny ability to piss on your face and tell you it's raining and all, but more than 50% of the electorate really couldn't stand the man. On both sides of the political spectrum. Obama's personal likeability numbers have steadily been higher than his job approval numbers, which would lead one to believe that the people, for the most part, want to get behind him. Sure, there's the wacko slice of the populace that hates him for his pigmentation and his crazy radical Socialist Muslim Terrorist platform, but you just got to tune those assholes out. Put it like this: They all showed up to vote against him in 2008 and Barack was the recipient of the biggest landslide victory in a generation. Those birthers, racists and evangelicals don't have nearly enough sway in a Presidential year as they do in a mid-term one. 

Now, I hold firm to my belief that if he actually pushed forward and fought for a truly liberal agenda: REAL Healthcare Reform, Immediate withdrawal from Bush's two wars, visible and viable Green Collar job programs (an environmental WPA of sorts), a return to Nixon era tax rates on the affluent and so on, that he'd be not only a popular president, but a legendary one. It's abundantly clear that's not happening. Not with Speaker Boner in charge now and a flacid, spineless, barely recognizable majority in the Senate. He had his chance. He punted. 

Politico points out that the left would routinely blame Rahm Emanuel for the centrist, moderate agenda at 1600 Pennsylvania. I for one would continue to point the finger at Harry Reid. It's time that we all come to grips with the fact that it's the Commander In Chief calling the shots.

I don't want to act as if the man's did nothing. He's done plenty and has brought legitimate, viable reform to both Main Street and Wall Street. Cash for Clunkers might be the most brilliant post-New Deal government program ever, when you consider how it (a) helped save the auto industry, (b) made cars more affordable during the Great Recession and (c) got hundreds of thousands of inefficient vehicles off the road. But what the White House doesn't get sometimes is that we've waited a very, very long time to have control. Why on earth should we play ball with the chickenhawks, corporatists, and other useless assholes who ran the country into the ground? 

The Daley hiring will help Obama's re-election efforts, I have no doubts about that. Much like bringing in David Gergen aided Clinton's. I think that 2012 is going to imitate 1996 in a few ways. For starters, the Republicans are going to nominate a pitiful and undesirable candidate. I can say that with certainty because I've seen their prospective nominees and I have an IQ above 55. Secondly, he will, by hook or by crook, have a series of moderate/compromised/bipartisan "victories" to counterbalance any insane notion that the man who's done more for Wall Street than anyone is somehow a "liberal". Finally, as painfully slow as it's been, there's plenty of reason to believe that the recovery will be real and obvious. Just like Bill Clinton, Obama will be cast as the "Comeback Kid". 

Just like Bill Clinton, those of us who proudly call ourselves Liberals will be left to wonder what might have been.

Timberland List Thursday: 1/6/10

Back in the fall of 1996 - my sophomore year in college - I had some anger issues. Actually, they never went away. How I've dealt with them over the years has changed from time to time: Ignore them, take them out on religious people, drink them away and occasionally (but quite rarely) attack them in a constructive nature. Back in the glory days of Pine Hall, in my true to form passive-aggressive nature, I developed what I called "The Timberland List": A weekly rundown of the 10 or so people, places or things that were driving me nuts. The main concept was that an appearance on this list entitled you to one swift kick to the head with my Timberland Boots.

Normally the honorees were affiliated with the school. The Director of Residence Life. Frat Boys. The creepy guy with the Perm in charge of planning the meals at the cafeteria. And usually Oprah Winfrey made her way on there.

After one or two Lists, the trend caught on. My friends would submit their own lists, and we'd calculate the Official Timberland List the same way the Associated Press would calculate college basketball rankings: A first place vote was 10 points, a 10th place vote was 1. Since we shared the same interests (cheap beer, a hatred of the Chicago Bulls and Dallas Cowboys, disdain for Collegiate Greeks buying their friends), the Official List usually worked out quite well. The biggest insult within our circle those days was being "Listed". To this day, when someone causes any of us grief, it's not uncommon to hear them referred to as Being Listed.  

Having lay dormant in an official capacity for so long, i think it's time to finally resurrect The Timberland List. Allow me to "kick" it off...

#10. Congresswoman Michelle Bachman. Batshit Crazy lunatic is mulling a run for President in 2012. I actually think it's a good thing. What this field is missing is a bible thumping, gun loving middle aged woman with no concept of reality or 21st Century America. Oh Wait. Nevermind.

#9.  Brett Favre. I used to love the guy. He was a thrill to watch, and an even bigger thrill to listen to John Madden's unyielding love and devotion to the man. Maybe it's because he missed Madden, but his act over the last three seasons was among the most irritating experiences a sports fan, even the most casual of ones, has had to endure. It made me yearn for the days of congressional steroid investigations, canceled NHL seasons and even OJ. The bipolar retirements. The sexting. The penis. Too much Brett. Don't go away mad. Just go away.

#8. Dick Clark. By comparison, Brett would have to un-retire every year until 2055 to match this guy. Give up the ghost Dick. Do you know what kind of a buzzkill it is to be hanging out with 20 of your closest friends and relatives, about 15 beers deep, all happy and jolly,  and then all of a sudden The Ghost of New Years Past makes his annual awkward appearance on a 54 inch HD LCD television? This is how we're supposed to start our new year?

#7. Congressman Steve King. The Iowa Republican just introduced a bill intended to strip Americans of their most fundamental right: CITIZENSHIP.The 14th Amendment states "All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside". You don't need to be a legal scholar to interpret that. These friggin people run on "restoring the constitution" yet have an open disdain for every word in the document outside of the 2nd Amendment.

#6. Tim Tebow. I don't like this preachy guy one bit. And his new biggest fan is John Elway. Never really cared for him either. 

#5. Oprah Winfrey. The Babe Ruth of the Timberland list just launched her own television network. Great! As if being told by the television that you're a crappy husband for one hour a day wasn't enough, you can multiply that by 24. 

#4. Pennsylvania State Police. Recently it was brought to my attention that they wrote about 750 citations for verbal obscenities during traffic stops in 2010. So much for Freedom of Speech. It's bad enough that you pull someone over for going 70 in a 65, write them up to the tune of $300 or so, plus a likely spike in insurance premiums, but when they say "Shit" you tack on another hundred dollars? If you don't mind me saying so, that's completely fucking bullshit.

#3. Our Lady of Lourdes Church. There's many different theories about Jesus Christ out there. Some believe he was married. Some think he fathered children. I've even heard allegations that he was gay. But according to  the Massapequa, New York church, the Body of Christ is infected with Hepatitis. I can honestly say I've never heard that one before.

#2. Captain Owen Honors. Hear about this guy? Making provocative, homophobic closed-circuit videos to show aboard the USS Enterprise? Freedom of Speech and Expression is fine. Everybody's got the right to be a racist/homophobic asshole if they wish. But not in the official capacity of a representative of the United States Government or Armed Forces. Borderline Treason if you ask me.

#1. Speaker of the House John Boehner. You cry a lot and you're orange. Welcome to the Top Spot.

Top 25 Power Ballads: #25 - 21

If it's 2011, that means that:

A. Children of the 90s will start infiltrating your bars and buying up your Smirnoff Ice, Twisted Tea and Jaegermeister.

B. America makes another step towards that More Perfect Union by breaking the Orange Barrier and swearing in the first Speaker of the House to match the hue and tone of an Ooompa-Loompa.

C. We celebrate the 25th Anniversary of the Golden Era of the Hair Band

D. All of the above.

If you haven't figured it out by now, anytime "All of the Above" is listed as an option, it's the correct one. But with all due respect to Speaker Boner and a new generation of barflies that we can only hope are more tolerable than the children of the Eighties, I'd rather focus on the Silver Anniversary of an era that lasted just long enough to make an impact without going overboard and becoming a joke like disco did.

Alright, I'm looking back with (Axl) rose colored glasses. It was a bit of a joke. But a damn good one. I love the hair bands and glam rockers and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Who else but the likes of Enuff Z'Nuff and Slaughter could put a romantic gloss on suicide and overdose? Who else but Poison could capture the mental angst and issues of a Vietnam Veteran? Who better than the Scorpions than to overshadow the empty platitudes of Ronald Reagan and tell the masses what the fall of the Iron Curtain really meant? For a select slice of the populous, these Masters of Mullets groomed our emotions, teaching us how to love, hate, fear, respect, mourn and thrive. 

I define the beginning of the era as the first time Jon Bon Jovi bought a can of Aqua Net, and the end likely came not long after Kurt Cobain said "Hey, wanna get high?" for the first time. But looking back to a time I remember all to well, the golden age of the hair band began in 1986. While I was home sick with bronchitis watching the Challenger go boom on my 9th birthday, the music world was being prepared to be rocked off their asses with releases such as Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet, Poison's Look What the Cat Dragged In, and Europe's Final Countdown and Somebody was making millions selling blow to Adam Curry.

For the remainder of the decade, we were treated to an all out blitz of boobs, hair, lipstick, cars and any other vice you could think of before rock decided it hated itself and wanted to die.

To honor these quasi-cross dressing men, I humbly begin my definitive countdown of the 25 Greatest Power Ballads. I'll get into criteria at a later date....

#25: HIGH ENOUGH, Damn Yankees (1990) - Sneaking in at the tail end of The Hair Age, something tells me that psycho gun-nut survivalist Ted Nugent isn't exactly encoring his Sean Hannity Concerts for Freedom, Jesus and Troops with this tune. Also, in true hair band fashion, the video (about robbing a liquor store and engaging in a hostage situation) has absolutely nothing to do with the lyrics.

#24: CARRIE, Europe(1986) - Apparently Europe is still huge in, well, Europe. They're even planning a tour and new album this year. I'm going to try and book them for my Fantasy Football Draft this summer. As long as they stick solely to songs from The Final Countdown. Especially this classic. When lights go down.

#23: FLY TO THE ANGELS, Slaughter(1990) - I was shocked to discover that frontman Mark Slaughter's given name was actually Mark Slaughter. Can't say the same for Tracii Guns or Chip Z'Nuff (and Messers Axl Rose and Jon Bon Jovi aren't exactly going straight off the birth certificate). I don't know if Mark's father was a Sergeant though. Here's our first song about suicide-and/or-accidental death, and I'll kill the suspense, no pun intended, and let you know that Kix's "Don't Close Your Eyes" just missed the cut. I had it at #28.

#22: WHEN THE CHILDREN CRY, White Lion (1987) - You may prefer to take your lessons from a crackhead like Whitney Houston telling you to believe the children are our future. Me? I'd rather be condescended to by a bunch of Danes. Then again, 1987. I was 10. Was I the child that cried?

#21: TO BE WITH YOU, Mr. Big (1991) - I remember a friend of my father's started dating a woman who looked just like the dude who sings for this bad. Shared many a chuckle at that. Anyway, whether you were making a movie or writing a song back in these days, there was one can't miss recipe for success: A plea to a beautiful woman who at the time was involved with a complete and utter asshole. Never failed.

Till we meet again, may you have Nuthin' But a Good Time.

Happy New Year Corporatists!

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