The Scale of Pretension

A rather enjoyable hillbilly once sang "I ain't big on social graces". I tend to live by that. I can't stand certain societal practices, especially anything that can be traced back to the Victorian era. I don't know if that's where the idea of a three-forked table setting where I'm supposed to start on the outside and work myself in originated or not, but nonsense like that just fills up what I assume is a finite capacity for knowledge. Remember your table-setting etiquette, forget how to change a tire. Or something like that.

I'm also not big on "Bless You". I think well-wishes and blessings should be reserved for severe illnesses and hardships, not allergies. And can we all agree buttoning the top button on dress shirts is not needed? It's awkward and uncomfortable, and it if everybody refused to do it, then it wouldn't look "sloppy". Don't believe me? Look at how every man under the age of 30 all of a sudden decided not to comb their hair anymore. It's no longer trashy looking, but rather the norm. 

I don't mean to be rude and I certainly appreciate the value of being polite. If your invited to somebody's house, you bring them food or drink. Excuse yourself when you burp. Or fart. I've never really seen an old lady struggle to cross the road, but if I did, I'd like to believe I'd help her. Though I ask, what makes crossing the street at a red light any more difficult than navigating a sidewalk with other pedestrians, pets, or bicyclists? Don't bore people. You want to hear about my fantasy football team as much as I want to hear about your kid's art project.

Then there's Pretentiousness. It's something that we're all guilty of. Sometimes we can't help it. Nobody's really immune to being being pretentious. Certainly not me. But if I can channel my inner Emily Post, maybe I can make a contribution to society by laying the groundwork for a Universal Scale of Pretension. (Which yeah, the irony of such a statement is not lost on me, thanks for asking).

For what it's worth, the context is not necessarily that one enjoys these items, activities or beliefs, it's that when one openly and/or frequently discusses them that they warrant consideration on the list. 

1.0 The Flight of the Conchords. Ever get into a conversation with someone who watches this show? Then you tell them that you gave it a chance but it didn't really do it for you? They look at you as if you'd be better of spending your time playing the banjo on a dilapidated porch in Appalachia. Newsflash: This Show Sucks. Freaks and Geeks may also be substituted. 


2.0 Cause Ribbons. I can appreciate - to a degree - somebody who literally dons a legitimate ribbon. Your still probably an asshole, but I admire the effort of actually pinning the ribbon to your lapel, dress, shirt, whatever. Magnetic ones? Stickers, hats and clothing that has the image of a ribbon? Spare us all, please? "I love Children/Soldiers/Insert-Disease-Here Awareness so much that to help support/eradicate it I'm going to wear this shirt or spend $5 on a made-in-china magnet for my made-in-China car." Would that $5 not be better spent being donated to a charity for said designated issue? I thought so.

3.0 Ani DiFranco. I'm not too proud to admit I enjoy some of Ani DiFranco's work. Be you didn't know that. Know why you didn't know that? Cause I'm the one person who enjoys it that doesn't shove it down your throat and end every musical conversation with "Oh without a doubt, Ani DiFranco".

4.0 Aging Sex Symbols. Can we start treating people who talk about how sexy they find Sean Connery or Raquel Welch as what they really are: Borderline Necrophiliacs? Sure, Connery may exude a certain grace or dignity about him and all, but you know how you can cure these feelings? Get your physician drunk and ask him what an 80 year old man looks like naked.

5.0 Being Agnostic. Here's the ultimate irony about people who are agnostic: They're basically telling you they don't prescribe to any religious dogma while confirming in their statement that they in fact do. Agnosticism has gone from a theory to basically Buddhism without the rock gardens. What's wrong with the following answer: "I believe in God, I'm just not religious."

6.0 The Independent Film Channel. As soon as someone begins a sentence with "I saw this movie on IFC last night..." I immediately start thinking about what I'm going to make for dinner for the rest of the month. I'm a film buff to a degree. I like to think I have a pretty good idea of what's a good movie, what's useless junk, and what's a guilty pleasure. But I can't psych myself up for 3 hours of black and white footage of a man in a ladies' nightgown drinking table wine and smoking cigarettes while pacing across a room. In Estonian, with German subtitles.  

7.0 Your Blog. What? You think the rest of the world cares what you consider to be Pretentious?

8.0 Serving Only Hummus. It might be 2010, we all might be trying to eat a little healthier, but for crying out loud, some of us still prefer some onion dip or spreadable cheese product! I'm not saying hummus doesn't have a place on your snack table when you're entertaining guests. I know many people all of a sudden enjoy it. But some, if not most of us, still have a 2009 mentality. We like cheese with our crackers. Dips with our chips. Salsa. Spare me the chickpeas. I'll watch what I eat on my own time, it's not your job to worry about my cholesterol.

9.0 Having More than 1 CD Tower on display. Having one CD Tower says "I like to have my limited music collection easily accessible and near my home entertainment system. I have no need for an mp3 player when I only own 1G of music". Perfectly fine and normal. Having 2 or more says "Look at me! Look at how much music I have! Sure I could condense all of this into binders and books and tuck them away but then you wouldn't be able to see it!" On the same note, if you're under 40, you shouldn't even have a CD collection displayed anywhere except in a box in your closet in case your computer crashes.

10.0 White People using Chopsticks. In no way, shape, or form are chopsticks more utilitarian or easier than the standard fork, knife and spoon. None at all. People love to show it off as if they've won some culinary decathlon. In reality, it's the dining equivalent of being able to make fart noises with your armpits. You look like an ass and it's a useless skill.

Riddle Me This: Barack and Christlam

On the way to work this morning, for no reason whatsoever, I started to think about the countless questions that I have - many for some time now - that remain completely unanswered. At least in a satisfactory way. I remember as a youngling, when I found myself puzzled, I could do one of two things: ask somebody, or go to the library. 

Being raised in a Catholic home and having attended a Catholic grammar school, ask someone inevitably meant bracing for the response "Because that's the way God wants it". Looking it up usually meant referring to either my father's Encyclopedia collection (that, no lie, when listing the Presidents, had "John Fitzgerald Kennedy: 1961 -" and well, didn't refer to African-Americans in a way I'm comfortable repeating on the internet) or going to a slightly (not by much) more updated library. 

But the internet changed all that. Or, at least it was supposed to. Still, things remain that not even Google will answer. I'm not talking about the philosophical ("Why are we here?") or the conspiratorial ("Who killed Kennedy?"). Simple questions that nobody has taken the time to answer for me, despite my ranting, and what I believe to be sensible queries into the times we live in. 

So, in borrowing a phrase from my favorite villain on my favorite horrible TV show as a kid,  I ask you, The Internet.... 

Riddle Me This: How can the same people who decried Barack Obama's Christian Pastor Jeremiah Wright now say with a straight face that they believe Obama is a Mulsim? 

I'm serious. For years my wife's favorite gripe about BushCheneyCo was "their inability to hold an opposing thoughts". Well my dear, the right wing has finally taken "holding opposing thoughts" to the extreme.

They spent the better part of 2008 screaming about "Black Liberation Theology" that allegedly took place at these Christian churches in the inner city. Now, 33% of Republicans think that the President is a Muslim. 

I'm not stupid. I know these people treat Muslim as a derogatory slur that they're somehow - in ways that they're too feeble-minded to understand - allowed to say in public (as opposed to what you and I absolutely know they call him behind closed doors). It's part of the klan-sans-sheets nature of the Tea Party. But I would think that even these simpletons could think back to their outrage at Reverend Wright and realize "Hey? Didn't I kill this guy for baptizing his children in the fucking name of Christ Jesus in this man's church?" 

Obviously we're dealing with some low-dangling fruit here. The same folks don't believe he was born in the United States. And I get that there's some backlash because they may feel we disrespected their President who broke the whole world and all. But I don't ever recall anybody on the left ever saying "George Bush is a Genius" after years of saying the complete opposite. 

So "cowboy up" teabaggers. How can one man be simultaneously be a Muslim and a White-Hatin' Christian? 

At least one inquiring mind wants to know.

The Book of Rock, Chapter 1

Some couples enjoy walks on the beach. Some enjoy an evening of fine dining and dancing (at least that’s what the movies say, I've never been out at a restaurant where people got up to dance to Tony Bennett). Some are into gardening.


My wife and I? We love nothing more than spending a Saturday morning with two pots of coffee and debating controversial issues of the day. Save for a few mornings where I'm nursing an unexpected hangover (I always think I'm gonna party on Fridays but usually pass out 20 minutes into "Numbers" after a beer and a half), our "Saturday Morning chats" have slowly become a ritual over the last 8 years.

Heck, I even have a custom playlist for it, which is the final step in my canonization of a tradition.


At the end of each match, er, morning, the cornucopia of topics is usually boiled down to one premise: my personal inability to grasp why 85% of this planet is so hell-bent on "Faith". So as not to offend, I generally stick to complaints about Christianity, since that's the culture I was raised in and I've noticed in this PC world, you're allowed to go off the handle, use offensive terminology and make broad, blanketing statements - as long as it's your own culture/heritage you're demeaning.


Occasionally, as I'm doing a little "Bible Bashing" my wife will point out that when you take away the bullshit that's used to polarize and politicize in our modern times, the Bible can offer some important life lessons. To me, the only lesson that sticks out is: Unless you've hired a miracle worker, make sure you have enough booze at a wedding.

Moving beyond  burning bulls to atone for homosexual acts, I'll take her word that indeed, there are valuable lessons to be learned. I will counter, however, that the same can be said for Rock'N Roll, and rock is eminently more enjoyable than reading a 2,000 year old book that's been translated over and over again.

Looking exclusively at "Classic Rock", I ask that you consider...

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need" - The Rolling Stones. As one who's currently trying to lose some baby-fat, I would point out how this is insanely good dieting advice. I want a Double Bacon Angry Whopper with extra pepper jack sauce. I need a granola bar. Problem solved.

"You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows" - Bob Dylan. Don't let someone piss on your face and tell you it's raining. Just because they call it a "Clear Skies Initiative" doesn't mean it's good for their environment, and here's another hint: Nobody hates you for your freedoms.

"The sun will shine on my backdoor someday" - The Grateful Dead. Life ain't always gonna suck, get over it. I mean, there's another way to interpret this too I guess, but I'll leave that up to you.

"In Birmingham they love the Governor, Now we all did what we can do" - Lynyrd Skynyrd. Um, white guys from Alabama are generally racist.

"You say you got a real solution, well you know, we'd all love to see the plans" - The Beatles. Lead, Follow, or Shut the Fuck Up.

"Into this house we're born. Into this world we're thrown" - The Doors. Life ain't always fair, you got to play the hand you're dealt. The sooner you realize this and adjust your expectations, the easier it all becomes.

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to loose" - Janis Joplin. The more you own, the less you have.

Call me irreverent, call me ornery and close-minded, call me crazy. But I ask, is this any crazier than relying on a manuscript penned 2600 years ago that declares how long, and under what circumstances, a woman shall remain "unclean" after child birth?

Keep on Truckin'