The 15 Worst Songs of the Decade

I’m generally more negative than positive - that’s your fault society – so it would only be fair to recognize the artists that raped my ears this decade. Most, if not all of these, were widely played everywhere: in stores, commercials and even on that archaic medium I only listen to on occasion: FM Radio. Some I had to google the actual name for, some I just guessed, and admittedly, some I kind of like. But liking something does not mean it’s not miserable (White Castle comes to mind). One more note: If I knew anything that Taylor Swift sang, it would be on this list. Away we go....

(Alright, it’s technically 16 but I didn’t feel like extending to 20)


#15 A. Toxicity - System of a Down. I believe this song hit it’s peak the same time that the Stacker 2 phenomena did. That’s not a coincidence.

#15 B. Crazy – Gnarls Barkley. I remember when, I remember when this song was everywheeeeeere. And I don’t miss it.

#14. Umbrella – Rihanna. This song is a living hella, hella, hella, hella. I’m not letting Chris Brown off the hook at all, but jeez, if I had to listen to this over and over again I don’t know that I could be responsible for my actions.

#13. Thank You – Dido. Eminem sampled it in “Stan”, and that was the perfect use of it. A touch of the chorus. We don’t need to hear the rest of your whining. And your “L” is missing.

#12. Hot In Here – Nelly. I don’t know what aggravates me more: The worst pickup line in history, or the hooker that concurs.

#11. Hey Ya – Outkast. My wife LOVES this song. It’s catchy, I can admit that. Doesn’t mean it’s not god awful.

#10. Cry Me a River – Justin Timberlake. While I can totally respect how the video turned Brittney Spears from rising diva to WT Joke, there’s three things this decade had too much of: George Bush, Natural Disasters, and Justin Timberlake. Even if he was the best SNL host since Ever.

#9. Where Is The Love – Black Eyed Peas. I might be making this up but I think Timberlake was involved in this musical stool softener.

#8. Since You’ve Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson. If I had avoided the “Live Earth” concert back in 2007 I probably wouldn’t even know this song. But they strategically placed this talentless bum in between Kanye West (who my wife wanted to see) and Dave Matthews Band (why I was there). And I’ve heard the song a million times since. Kurt Cobain’s dead. This woman sings on. Life aint fair at all.

#7. Your Body is a Wonderland – John Mayer. Melt all the teenage girls you want to John, but this is the most pathetic tripe tossed a woman’s way since Oz said “Suck Me, Beautiful” to that college chick.

#6. Before He Cheats – Carrie Underwood. To find out the name (and artist) of this song I googles “Lyrics + Key + Four Wheel Drive + Smash + Louisville Slugger”. Seriously folks, that aint cool at all. Imagine if some hillbilly like Tim McGraw wrote a song about his revenge on a cheating girlfriend that involved skinning her cat?

#5.Yellow – Coldplay. Take 2 parts cheese, 1 part whining, a dash of acoustic guitar and add piss-poor lyrics to taste, and you have Coldplay’s breakthrough single. I once read somebody compare these dudes to U2. That’s fine, if you don't mind me comparing my basketball abilities to LeBron James just because I'm from North America too.

#4. You’re Beautiful – James Blunt. Now take the worst parts of “Yellow”, line them up with “Your Body is a Wonderland, reduce it to its lowest common denominator and you have this abomination. Enough to make you hemorrhage from your ear drums. A good way to keep deer out of your yard though.

#3. Single Ladies – Beyonce. A moment of silence for Aretha Franklin. No longer is “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” the staple song at weddings and karaoke bars for the single, desperate and dejected. It was a hell of a run Aretha, but it’s time to pass the crown to Mrs. Z. The many bridesmaids over the years who brought their gay friend or coworker to weddings thank you for your years of service.

#2. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue – Toby Keith. “Time” just wrote a very long, 5 page cover story on everything that was wrong with this decade. They could have saved a tree and summed it up in two words: Toby Keith. Some people enlisted. Some gave blood. Some devoted their resources to finding renewable resources. Toby Keith was so outraged by what those Iraqis did on 9/11 that he wrote a song. I didn’t think the national discourse could be lowered after “Smoke’em outta their holes…dead or alive”. Well, that was before I heard “We’ll stick a boot in your ass, it’s the American Way”. FUTK.

#1. Hey There Delilah – The Plain White T’s. I follow congress pretty closely, but I admit, I missed that law they passed a few years ago that said if you were a girl between the ages of 15 and 25 that this had to be the profile song on your myspace page.
Easiest way to get me to hate your tune is to put it in a GAP commercial. But when that only accounts for 3% of the times I hear it, the blood starts to boil. Say this about James Blunt and Coldplay – they can squeal, but at least they know how to squeal. The screeching, scathing whines are brought to new heights by these song-molesters. And it’s now stuck in my head. Ooooooooooooooooooooh what you dooooooooooo to meeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Put me out of my misery.

My 30 Best Albums of the Decade: 30 - 26

Disclaimers:
1. These are my personal favorites, not a definitive list. I'm not a music critic, personally I think music critics, and people who think they are, should shampoo my scrotum.
2. Live Albums are not elligible. O.A.R. is the biggest loser here cause 33rd & 8th would be top 10. As would DMB @ Fenway. But it's an unfair advantage
3. No compilation soundtracks, comprised of pre-decade already recorded songs. All apologies to Almost Famous, which would rank very high. However, if a soundtrack was created and recorded specifically for a movie or play, that would qualify. But Chicago still didn't make it.
4. There is no Coldplay on my list cause I refuse to take part in a world that treats Bon Jovi as campy fluff rock while considering Chris Martin the British answer to Bob Dylan. I don't care how many trees he's planted.
5. Only albums which I own are elligible, so if I don't have it, I cant rank it.

Without any further delay, let me get this started:

#30: In Rainbows-Radiohead: I'm not as into Radiohead as I should be but this album did me solid. It's a rare unshuffleable (new word) album, reminiscent of pretty much everythin Pink Floyd's ever done - you kinda gotta let this album play out from start to finish, which you don't find happening too often. But I'm not kidding myself, I own this album because it was free to download. It could have sucked and it would have made the list because frankly, the recording industry owes me. I've sunk a lot of money into buying music over the last 25 years or so. I don't think that 99 cents for a song is insane, nor is 10 bucks for an album - but what about when I was dropping $16 for a Slippery When Wet cassette? You raped me Mercury Records! It was nice to finally win.

#29: Us Against the Crown-State Radio: Thank goodness for these guys. With Sublime and Bob Marley dead, I was prepared to spend the rest of my life without ever hearing another album that made me want a J, an IPA, a 70 degree afternoon and a hammock. State Radio provided and I am eternally grateful. The funny thing is, I never spend such afternoons with the aforementioned provisions, even though I have a hammock and can easily attain at least the IPA. Yet every winter I convince myself that I'll be spending a glorious afternoon doing just that when May rolls around. But the reality is, I'm pulling weeds and spreading mulch and hanging screen windows. FML.

#28: Dear Catastrophe Waitress-Belle & Sebastian: In the middle of the 00's I found myself DVR'ing reruns of "Dharma and Greg" on WE. Partly because I missed any and all TV that debuted in the late 90s, but mainly because, hell, I enjoyed it. It was hard to describe. As I would watch it, I would say to myself: I really should just put my testicles in a box and throw them in the Hackensack River cause it's hard to reconcile the production of testosterone with the viewing of D&G, but F it, I love this show and I'm not gonna apologize for it. Well, that's pretty much how I feel about this album.

#27: Late Registration-Kanye West: Much like the Cheesy Potato Burritos from Taco Bell, I can't make up my mind if Kanye West impresses or repulses me. Probably a little of both. He tied Joe Namath for the greatest unscripted moment on live television of the decade when, during the Katrina fundraiser, he said "George Bush doesn't care about black people". Heck, it was worth the Red Cross donation to see Mike Myers' face when it all went down (and you know, helping people out too). But on the flip side, this dude just absolutely loves himself to the point where you think he should have been an NFL Wide Receiver instead. But this album for the most part is quite entertaining, some good driving music (which I've come to appreciate more and more since buying a house 35 miles from work during the worst possible time so I aint gettin a shorter commute anytime soon), and plus, what kind of graduate of NJ's Public Liberal Arts college if the only rap album on my countdown was by a white dude?

#26: Good News for People Who Love Bad News-Modest Mouse: This album is raw, in a very good way, especially for the diversity of sounds on it. But thats sounding too much like a critic. In reality, this is just a great album to put on when you gotta get shit done, another practice I've grown to appreciate. Let it fade into the background and get to work. Preferably not on cheap earbuds though. Like I said, this album's raw. More fun useless countin down to come as the decade hits the home-stretch.