The more I read, the more it seems that it's highly unlikely the Yanks are going to take South Africa by storm and emerge victorious. Call it American Hubris, this idea that we the people are entitled to the Cup, when the reality is, all we've won since Japan surrendered was the Miracle on Ice in 1980 and the Coolest Invention Ever with the iPod. So in the event that The Star Spangled Banner isn't played at the conclusion of the World Cup Final (Do they do that? Or is it Olympics only), I've concocted a list of all 32 teams ranked in the order in which I'd like to see them win. It's not quite sensitive to all cultures and history, but whatever, we're grown men here, right? Feel free to adopt this as your own guide to who to cheer on and who to dismiss...
(and yes, almost all cultural references and statistics are courtesy of wikipedia)
1. The United States. Yeah, a rather obvious one but I gotta admit, it would make a great story and we could use one right now.
2. Mexico. Solely because it would drive the Teabaggers and the entire state of Arizona absolutely crazy. Also, rich people would have to watch their own kids and water their own lawns for a week. I'd like to see that.
3. The Netherlands. They settled New York. But more importantly: The Netherlands is one of the most secular countries in Western Europe, with only 39% being religiously affiliated (31% for those aged under 35), and fewer than 20% visiting church regularly. I want to go to there. And the cool thing is, they're intolerant of all religions. Not like the phony left in America that only wants to take on the Christian Establishment.
4. South Africa. I think it's fantastic that the event takes place on the continent of Africa. So might as well root root root for the home team. Not that me rooting for Bafana Bafana makes up for the extension of Apartheid at the hands of Ronald Reagan, but it's an olive branch. Also, I look forward to Invictus II: We Got Game.
5. Ivory Coast. They fly the Irish Flag.
6. North Korea. Too bad Iran didn't qualify because an Iran vs. North Korea final would be just enough to have the House Minority leader in the US draft a constitutional amendment banning soccer in the US. But I'll settle for a NK win and the inevitable batshit crazy reaction of Kim Shady.
7. Australia. Do if for Claire! And the rest of Oceanic 815.
8. Nigeria. Imperialized by the British. Go Africa.
9. Cameroon. Imperialized by the French, treated better than the Nigerians were. Go Africa.
10. Denmark. I love Scandinavia. Without them, there's no Minnesota. And Minnesotans are the closest thing we have to Canadians.
11. Chile. Comparatively speaking, there's no drama in Chile. Things have been relatively quiet since the Pinochet era. I applaud them for that.
12. Slovenia. Talk about a well-played hand. They saw Hurricane Milošević coming a mile away and they got the F outta Dodge. That's all I know about that.
13. Ghana. White Guilt strikes again. The last time I have to type "Go Africa" on this list.
14. New Zealand. While I didn't much care for the Lord of the Rings I don't hold it against New Zealanders.
15. Greece. No truth to the rumor that the official logo on their uniforms will be a canary in a coal mine.
16. Uruguay. A very left leaning country without the stigma or lunacy of a Hugo Chavez. I can get with that.
17. South Korea. Learning to Fly.
18. Slovakia. Totally got the short end of the stick on the dismantling of Czechoslovakia. At least in terms of perception.
19. Algeria. The pros: Booted the French. The cons: Extremely religious country. Still technically Africa though. Well, more than technically.
20. Honduras. Ever notice that Americans refer to all Central Americans as "Guatemalans"? Here's proof that there's other nations in Central America.
21. Spain. Never forget the Spanish Inquisition. Side note: a relative told me that she caught a segment on that crazy Catholic channel, EWTN, where the flying nun was pretty much denying the Inquisition took place. Right. And the fact that the Pope covered up a child sex ring is just some New York Times conspiracy. Still, I love me some Spanish food.
22. Paraguay. So they don't have the Inquisition. They still have a wacky religious right controlling their congress.
23. Portugal. They make good rolls, I'll give them that. Other than that, they don't share enough of the blame for their imperialism, even if they were basically relegated to the scraps of England, France and Spain.
24. Argentina. Just think of all those former officers of the Third Reich celebrating Argentina's World Cup Wins in 1978 and 1986. I'm sure there's not as many now, but still. There might be some. Also, I'm not as familiar with Juan Peron and his wife as I should be, but I hold that against them. If for nothing else than that deplorable Madonna movie.
25. Switzerland. Two historical facts that are really false: George Bush won the 2000 Election, and Switzerland is Neutral. Yes, they shot down a couple of Luftwaffe planes that invaded their airspace. While they were underwriting and financing the Nazis. Furthermore, "Privacy of Swiss Banking Laws" is just a fancy way of saying "A legal way for the ruling classes to bend you over". Yay on Cheese, Nay on neutrality.
26. Italy. Alright, technically Vatican City is it's own entity. And technically not all Jersey Shore douchebags are of Italian descent. But rooting against Italy gives me a chance to root against two large segments of the population that cause me massive heartburn.
27. Serbia. Two words: Slobodan Milošević
28: Japan. Three Words: Bataan Death March. Even after "The Pacific", Japan fails to take it's fair share of blame for WWII and acknowledgement of it's atrocities.
29. Germany. Then again...
30. Brazil. I've got nothing against Brazil. Other than the fact that they've won 2 of the 4 World Cups I've watched, and were in 3 of the finals. I guess this is why people hate the Yankees.
31. England. Oh, where to begin? We can start with the fabrication that is The Royal Family, and the useless infatuation that useless people have with it. I can play the "I'm Irish Card". I can play the "I'm American Card". I can play the "The only thing more pathetic than your leader being George Bush is your leader being George Bush's lapdog Card". I can play the "Simon Cowell Card". But I won't. I'll kindly say "Thank you for the Beatles" and move on.
32. France. F*ck you Thierry Henry and F*ck your uncalled handball you f*cking thief.
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